(I Feel) Just Like A Newborn Baby
So Leggo My Airplane



On Babies And Bedrolls (a symposium)
(suggested donation at the door, no prior warning of this so beware of embarrassment those of you who enter spiritually dedicated spaces without any possesions in your hands or pockets, especially wallets, gold is the satan ey?)

morning pages now isn't that obvious already, November 4th 2002, day before SHIT election day which I am SO unprepared for hello

Yesterday a guy in AA here in Maui named "old school mike" was one of the two speakers at the 42nd anniversary of The Wailuku Group (meetings on Thursday night, maybe I'll go now that I feel so disconnected from the maui live poets that I don't think I'll do Thurday poetry anymore, and cause Jim knows my car and has threatened to rape me the next time he gets the chance and though I'm intrigued with the challenge and confident that as long as I can avoid getting into a position where he can slap cuffs on me that I will get away, he, on the other hand, is getting fat and lazy and out of shape, is drinking again though he doesn't admit it and/or minimizes it thank ya very much, and the Thursday meeting I used to goto is like 5 blocks down the road from him) okay back to 'old school'

So he's either Garys (my life love) age or older, and he just got married, bought a house, and now his wife is pregnant.


His Hot Young Chick
I am not playing house here, I am not playing with my life
Why? When I know so well the theraputic value of play?

I have surrendered to this I am young thing with my Love. In fact, I'm learning to think its cute, beginning to pleasure in it. Sure, my Beautiful Sweet and Sacred Lover, call me a good girl, call me your young chick, believe it, you know, I wonder that the clan was not right, I mean, what right does someone like me have mating with a mortal..... moreover RISING IN LOVE with one.... jeez..... really..... HELLO !

But I Feel Empty!
(The exclamation of someone surprised into enlightenment)
morning pages, election day 2002

Here I am and what the fuck is it for? Not sure I even want and/or need to write. Everything is swirling around my head..... skewering. My man has gone insane. Maybe he was already, who knows, I don't know surely, ey Plato laugh now right here
so what do I even have to write to you today?

I just came in to the living room and noticed the two wooden tables I really liked are gone. I told Gary I wanted them, when he told me he's now REALLY getting rid of PRETTY MUCH COMPLETLY EVERYTHING but that, I guess he has some fucking rational grain in da brain realizing that in the now empty raft he's set me and the children who love me onto..... perhaps I could use some of the furniture. But he thinks of this when he's in my arms after one of our OH GOD HOW COULD THIS BE, SO BEAUTIFUL, SO INCREDIBLY INCREDIBLE

love makings. Man, does almost no one know this? I can name and count every man I've ever had sex with in this lifetime..... 3 of them I was married to, you'd think there'd be some lovemaking there..... but I only had sex till Gary. And this is even beyond lovemaking. From the first we've likened ourselves to two planetesmals. Do planets experiance insanity? And is it the accretion that does it, or.....

Teh. A planet. What, then, did he try to do barely 2 weeks ago, put a thermo-nuclear detonating device in to the core..... YEAH.... THIS IS TOO INTENSE/GOODFORTHELIKESOFME, LET'S JUST BLOW THE FUCKING INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL LUMINOUS THING TO SMITHEREENS

sOZ ANYWAYS, HE ASKS ME, IN OUR BED WHILE i AM STILL IN WHATEVER GALAXY THIS SILLY PLANET OF OURS IS IN, which furniture if any in the living room I may want. I think my mouth in my body still in this galaxy mumbled somethin bout lookin at it in da mornin or somethin and

The next morning, he told me where the various pieces were going, and claimed he gave me the chance yesterday to decide if I wanted anything and I snooze/lose and I reminded him when he opened this proposistion to me and where we were and he blushed and said 'well, yeah okay.... so what DO you want?" and I told him, and the beautiful thick stackable woodgrained tables were a part of that, and now their gone.

After the word smithereens there wuz a break in the writing, I went into the bedroom to get my note book cause I wrote THE FIRST OF MY SIGNATURE SHORT SHORT STORIES IN OVER A YEAR! YEAH THE BLOCK IS OVER! soz I wanted to type it in, and Gary was deep asleep even snoring lightly, bless his soft cinfused heart.... oh, I so love his body too. I was so not attracted to him through all these years.... didn't even notice him at many of the meetings we I guess went to together like the zoo crew..... thought he was actually one of the most pompous, soul-constipated boors I'd ever met, and now I don't shower for as long as possible after he takes me, like he did between smithereens and soz, for even though I was completly quiet I think he felt me looking at his body and desiring to be one with myself again and

Oh, Gary. what are we to do? You actually think its possible to blow up our planet. You say you've blown up planets before. Well, FOR YOUR IMFORMATION BUDDY I have not ever been a planet before. Sometimes I feel that I wish you were not such a coward and would just kill me with your bare hands, strangle the life out of me, but..... well, guess I'm destined to live with my grief.

For now. Maybe Allen'll let me rent his room. Then I could have the beach house to do my writing in..... perhaps I could even start playing guitar and/or doing my poetry on front street to raise money for self publishing of my books and stuff. There's plentee noni there. Allen would be okay with not fucking me.... he knows I love Gary...... and he wanted me to give him a baby.... maybe HE can enjoy Thor.... such a fucking tragedy that Gary is throwing away this precious chance..... once again..... doesn't he have even  A SMALL SUSPICION that this is G-O-D giving him another chance to fullfill this destiny, this part of his lifework that he fucking rejected many years ago?

God, if only Gary knew how easy and joyful it is to be with young children..... how enlightening.

Well, maybe its the insanity.

You tink?

Cause to throw away a woman like me, that takes true insanity.

Rose Blooming In Da Desert

Life Has Become A Mystery So Please Pass The Butter
(morning pages 11/6/02)

Mice scurry crost the very busy roadway. I feel what the world calls misplaced compassion, but I call being a 'real girl', a human being, again.

Funny that it would be so much more practical timewise to not goto the meeting this morning, but I wanna go, like, that I'd miss it.

Shit, I even just remembered that my rags aren't cleaned. Shit. So much to do. No, not rags gang bandanas, rags for CONDO CLEANING.... starting to write more Aloha Chronicles episodes (short short chapters) after years hiatus. My writing is taking off like never before, even as my Love takes off to places unknown..... NOW he's talking about living in the wilds...... bed in the van to sleep at night.... that he needs NO

toilet toothbrush or anything it

Sounds asif he is getting in touch with the wilderbeast inside of him. Hum. Quite possible. If so, it is true that I am his one. There actually can be a 'one' for another. Split aparts. I donno. I face moving to the beach house...... remember, craig who would be so pleased to know his favorite stories I ever wrote are alive again, remember my fantasy of being an 'older' woman, beautiful, on the back porch (front?) of a house on the beach, sitting back there typing and snuggling warm coffee while I wear a big oversized sweater? Wisps of my hair are gently hanging from where I've, almost like a loose afterthought of the automatic doing soul, put it up in a bun.... how I look a little like and feel a lot like the energy of Katherine Hepburn......

Well, Allens place could be that place. I could take care of him. He'd get better and better with me around.... and even younger and younger..... look at Gary after all.

Shoots- gotta go. If I don't start waking up earlier soz I can do the COMPLETE morning pages on a consistant basis soon, maybe I'll have to shoot myself to relieve the misery.

OR NOT Hell-------ooooooooo! I am happy and content even though all that I love has been snatched from me, all my writings destroyed, all my things busted and stolen, over the last 2 years, a nearly non stop barrage of unimaginable to survive events by themselves have come and hit and hit and hit and hit and

Hit me. Fuck. How did I do it?

How did I do it and still keep my happy thoughts, my soul, my mana, the Liquid Lust of my being?

Hum. Life TRUELY IS  a very very very very exceptionally great mystery.

3singingeagles :)