main

SCANDALOUSSEXINESS #

i·den·ti·ty
ms.chu · twenty · in love · inspired

brest friend- lisa nguyen

[march one. two zero zero five]
I don’t really know where to even begin, and here I am already on the brink of turning 21, where has all of the time gone? Seriously? Wow… looking back I have a lot to be ashamed of but I must say that I have even more that I am thankful for. I am thankful for all of my wonderful and supportive family and friends. I know that this sounds so cliché but it’s the truth. For those whom have known me for all of these years I hope that I have touched your life in a way that has bettered it and I hope that I have never cause you to much grief… haha… even though I know that I always cause a ruckus when I am around... hah lil gangster. Please forgive me. As much as I don’t want to admit it, I have really grown up in the past couple of years, my eyes have widened and my perspective of this world has changed dramatically. I have learned that no matter what, when all else fails, my family will always be here to catch me and to cheer me on with whatever I choose as my path through life. Just this act alone of unconditional love has taught me to love the life that I live and to try and love the people that surround me in my daily life. I have learnt to let petty and unnecessary troubles not get to my head. To my parents, I love you and thank you. I was mostly worried that something would happen at home if I left, but I am glad that everything is stable and okay. After my father had a heart attack I felt responsible and so helpless in his recovery, but that has all passed now, he is healthy once again.

I must say that the greatest person that I have been blessed with is Marvin, I know that this sounds so cheesy and disgusting, but I never thought that a day would come where I could truly be myself without having to pretend that I was hardcore, cool or anything else that I am not. I love that through my stubbornness and my thick skin he has managed to stay by my side and love me one hundred percent. What more can I ask for?

To all of my friends, whether you may be my friends from Calgary or Edmonton, every step that we have taken together I have cherished. I never thought that people genuinely cared for me until I left. It really shows you who your friends are at the end of the day. When I go back to Calgs I always have a wicked time, whoever I spend my time with. My girls, my god bros, school friends, church friends, work friends, ex-boyfriends… haha(oops) and my e-town friends… you all mean a lot. Thanks for making me feel so loved wherever I am.

To my bestest, I love you LISA. Without you in my life I would have never survived Edmonton. I never thought that I could have a best girlfriend, but here we are since grade 6. WOW!!!! I love the confidence that we possess when we are together and that we can conquer anything that lies in our way. I know that we will achieve what we have set out for: awesome careers, big house, nice cars, trophy husbands… hahaha… but I know that at the end of the day, and with the bottom line, we will always be there for each other. Thanks.

Well I have learnt that I always have to be thankful. I know that this is a delayed beginning of the year thing, but here it is. Thanks for everything. I mean it

[august two seven. two zero zero four]

wow i turned 20 this month. i still remember the days when jon and i used to play in our old house and watch carebears back in Marlbrough. crazy. and now??? i live on my own in a stange new city. oh well... we all have to grow up some time or other right? plus i must say that i love edmonton. it's my home.

it's weird when i go home to Calgs.. it just feels like something is missing, maybe it's just the freedom that i have in edmonton or that i have realised that i am able to build a life of my own without the help of my parents... yes i am spoiled and they do still pay my rent and for some of my groceries.. but i sitll pay for my internet, phone line, cell phone, bus pass, laundry, clothes, shoes, haircut... and it all adds up...so this summer has really been all about work work work... but i love it i must say.

since i started working at urban i have made a bunch of really good friends and done even more with the company... we have huge company bbqs, i helped with our fashion show during our fashion months, partied with chip and pepper... just experience after experience. i love that i have been able to find friends, a good home, two good jobs and been really happy up here in edmonton by myself (excluding family). oh and of course my loving boyfriend. hhahaha cheesey... just kids... but really times have changed for Crystal Chu. i am fairly proud of myself... and once school starts it's going to be 5 classes, 3 labs and a bitchload of work... haha and of course volunteer and who knows... maybe work?? just not too much so that i can still relax and have a good time... anyways... nothing much for me to really rant about now... byee

[march one. three. two zero zero four]

i know that i should really be in bed right now because i have an eight am lab tomorrow morning and then class until 5 with no breaks... but what i 'should' do and what i am 'going to' do is always contradictory is it not? well it has officially been six months since i moved out of my comfortable home in Calgary and traded it for my little space in the wall to join the other two thousand other people that live in HUB residence. my current education aspirations are aimed at receiving a degree in biological sciences with a specialization in environmental biology, but the real question is what is this degree going to do for me... or even more importantly where is it going to take me? if anywhere? i feel like i am wasting so much of my time as i pursue something that i am not totally enthusiastic about. is that right? or is the necessary more important than self-fullfillment? i am so confused right now.

i am confused about what i want in my life, but this may just be the type of person that i am. always calculating and never satisfied with what i have achieved, only to see it as something that i did, but constantly looking for more that i am accomplish, but have i even done that much? there are soo many times when i was younger where i always busted my ass and cried over so many tests and exams, only to look back and laugh a little to myself because i was so foolish to get so upset. but another realisation is that, if i never stressed about those things i may have never been able to make it to where i am today.

in this six month period that i have been away from home, the biggest change that i have noticed are the people that i cherish. i know deep down that i really don't care about a lot of people, when i was home it was more that i felt obligated to spend time and care for others. yeah it's sad but true, i am a bitter and sad person. haha not. truthfully though... there are probably only a handful of people that i really do give a damn for. losing so many of my 'friends' in the past couple of years has made me realize that maybe i just worry and care for too many people and by cutting that number down that i might be better off, especially if anything happens to them (may God forbid that). but also deep down i miss so many of you... aii... i wished that you were here with me up here...

as much as i would like to deny it.. but i always envied my friends that had those long term relationships that seemed to go on and on.. and some how my friends were able to find that one person that understood them so well, the person that they could absolutely tell everything to (more than you tell your bestest), the person that could make everything better when their world was falling all around them... they always called it 'love'. the one thing that i despised because i could never find it, or was too scared to try because i fear rejection above all things. i know that i am an egoistical person, plus i feel that this is all that i possess control over, that i have left. i am scared because people change, 'what if we change and we are not good for each other anymore?', 'what if he cheats?', 'what if he stops loving me?' aii... so many 'what ifs'. despite all of the internal and external flaws that i have accumulated in this short life time... i know that i don't have to be envious anymore. mahal kita. through this short period of six months who would have known? *haha I try not to be cheesy and girly, but at the same time i have no idea how to express myself.. i have a hard time saying this in person, but thank you. you helped me realize a lot of things about myself, a new approach to my life and the way that i see my world. this maybe the first time where i feel that i cannot let go. crazy isn't it?

[january. two four. two zero zero four]

another moment of deep thought?!?! so i am going to be turning 20 this year.. pretty crazy isn't?? i still feel like i am a little kid... the simplist of pleasures seem to keep me quite satisfied... of course some of my taste has matured.. but i think that we all take life a little too seriously and we start to take things for granted and we never really take time to appreciate the things that are around us. the other night when i was talking to Salim... he told me something that really made me think "when you are in the moment, nothing else matters, the most important thing is that moment, what you are doing in that moment and the people that are in that moment with you. if you are thinking about what you are going to say next, or what you are going to do later on, not only would you have missed that moment, you would have lost it." think about it...

i know that a lot of the time i can't wait to spend time with people that i haven't seen in a long time or even when i am just having fun or when i am trying to sleep... i am constantly worried about what i am going to do later, tomorrow or what i am going to say. i realized that i lost a lot of important moments, because i am always worried about what might happen later on instead of taking the risk and finding out the consequences.. whether they be good or bad... i am a "play -it-safe" type of person.. but really that doesn't work out for me because i always end up overanalyzing or overthinking instead of just enjoying. simple eh? yeah sometimes the answers to the most complex problems are just that easy. i love it.

in this short time that i have had to live, i have learnt, seen and done already my fair share... but i can't wait to see what else the world has to offer me... there is still much more to learn, see and do. i can't wait...

[january. one eight. two zero zero four]

if you only knew how proud i am of you.

[november. one nine. two zero zero three]

have you ever felt so insignificant? that things that you do are totally not what you want to accomplish in life.. yet you cannot stop yourself from doing those things? since i moved up to edmonton i feel like i have disappointed myself.. in that there is so much that i constantly accomplish in Calgary but once i am in edmonton all that i do is play and do school and sleep. nothing that i have done benefits others, so lately i have finally gotten off my ass and i am going to start volunteering for children's programs and a daycare and try to actually do things that i have always wanted to do. i can't wait until i get to go see the ballet. its weird how i constantly have this uneasy feeling inside.. it's like an aching or tension in my chest... it's not so much physiological but rather emotional. when i am in edmonton i feel so helpless, vulnerable and sensitive... someone completely different to who i really am when i am home. since i have been up here when i am frustrated all i can do is cry and i feel like the only person that truly cares for me here is lisa.. thanks honey. i love you soo much... i really miss all my friends in Calgs. i enver thought that i could admit this, i really realized who is important to me once i moved away... king i miss you soo much, same with chris and jeff... people that i can usually just sit down with a pour out my heart and people that are constantly there to help me up instead of dragging me down with their troubles and apathy are not here with me anymore.

i finally got my next 2 years of education planned out... after the uncertainty and going on everyday without really knowing the direction that i am going... just running blindly all the time.. i have finally made a decision and have to all planned out so that i don't waste any more time and money. i have made some awesome friends up here... but it's weird... imagine living all your life in a place where your best friend lives down the hill and your other best guy friend lives down the street... knowing and having friends in chinese school, karate school, church, swim club, volunteer work, and then just people that casually are just fun to be with and of course family that is totally supportive although strict, and of course my brother. the one person that i depend on the most... but i can never talk to him because we are either too busy or it's just awkward to talk on the phone. i can drive and get around on my own without feeling unsafe or feeling like i don't know where i am going... imagine all this and then suddenly choosing to move away to a city there you know no one... and try to do well in school where you are stripped of all of your support, so many strangers and so much that is unknown... especially knowing that i am totally uncertain of what i want from myself.

so many people with so many expectations from me... i know that i am the one that expects the most out of me... but a lot of the time i am afraid to disappoint the people that are around me, especially my parents. i know that most people think that my life is soo simple and that i am always a happy person... i try to be.. but lately i feel soo broken that i can't even be myself...

i really miss pastor steve.. aii why are you gone? it's soo unfair... you always said that you would be here no matter what... to always follow my heart... i hope that i have not disappointed you... and i really miss you too casey...how can people that have only been good to others and everything that they have touched be taken away soo easily? i am just so confused and i feel like i am just running around in circles... adrian if you ever read this... thank you for being there for me you make me truly happy, i don't think that i could have made it through some things that i have if you weren't there just to hug me better. thank you for being such a good friend/ boyfriend.

it's hard to function sometimes when there is so much disappointment around you... like there was a suicide about 2 weeks ago because an eng student failed himself... i pray that this never happens to anyone that i know...

this hasn't been a total failure though. after moving away i learnt that even though i find it annoying sometimes... i really appreicate the time and the thought that comes from my parents. they really support and love me unconditionally even though i constantly cannot meet their expectations... i have made some awesome friends, i have learnt how to cook amazing food, pay bills on time, budget finances, have self-control and make sure that all my work is done and handed in on time, not to party too hard esp when there is a 9am class the next day, and most important i have learnt right from wrong. the most difficult thing to learn...

overall. i know. i am blessed.

view my Guestbook sign my guestbook

april two one, two zero zero five
12:38>> well i think that i am done with this page.. haha if you feel like reading what i have to write.. go here now--> http://spaces.msn.com/members/mschu

yes i am getting lazy.. time to join the blogging world. yum

2003.december. 2004.january. february. march. april. may.

april seven, two zero zero five
9:00am>> well it's early in the morning, i woke up got ready and my friend came to pick up my report because i just didn't feel like going to class... haha.. thanks GEO you are the best.lately i can't sleep well... maybe there is too much on my mind... i have really been trying to reevaluate my life...

what do i want?
who do i want?
what do i want to do?
who do i want to do?? haha oops just kidding...

final exams are only a week away, lab exams are starting to pile up and last minute preparations for presentations are in the works... for some reason i always have a life breakdown when it comes to this point in the year. i am worried that i registered for the wrong classes, that maybe i am going down the wrong career path or maybe, just maybe i should be doing something else with my life?

i know that i have this burning passion to help with watewater treatment in China (haha after 3 years in university i want to do shit literally), but the thing is that i have no idea how to get to that point in my life. Maybe it's finally time for me to put my stubbornness and my pride aside for one and ask my parents to help me because they have the resources to make this dream happen for me.

since i was a child until now, i feel like i have been fighting an uphill battle with my parents, trying to prove to them that i can do it on my own and that all i need is monetary aid. this past weekend definitely proved me wrong. it was never meant to become this way.. but i have realized that i do take my parents for granted even though i promised myself that i never would. With all of the money that they have invested in me, i hope that i will be able to demonstrate that their investment is one with growth and will reep benefits in the future.

as for relationships... that's a whole other story... i have figured that my parents will never accept the people that i love or date. they want what all parents want, a nerdy doctor or laywer that graduated from university that has a disgustingly rich family behind him as his cheering squad. *pukes if you know me... then you know that such a person would bore me to death... hahaha... ewwwwwwwwww get away from me... HAHA

i know that i am one of the most scared people around, yes i am very insecure sometimes, i am always scared to fail, to be ugly, to be fat, to be unaccepted by the status quo. but now when i think about it who the hell cares? everyone else is too busy with their lives being scared of the same things that they don't even notice me anyways... haha how silly.

this summer i am going to be going back home to Calgs, hopefully i can find a decent job and make some money, and if all fails i think that i am going to go to China and work there for a few months.. haha.. yes i do hate the people there and aside from the pollution, the country is beautiful and breath-taking. i think i need some soul seraching.

aii.. it's so beautiful outside.. 20C i'm going out for a commercialized starbucks coffee.. yum

april five, two zero zero five
11:38pm>> so here i am... it's been along ass time since the last time that i had this layout on this page, but i decided to go back to it.. haha maybe because my creative juices are just dead or that i just don't really care to look at the old one... i don't really have anything exciting to write about. school is about to end once again and summer is upon us. thank GOD. this past week has been extremely difficult for me. i was faced with one of the biggest decisions of my life... i never thought that i would encounter a problem like this in my life. i have always been able to disassociate my personal life from my family life. but i am sure that we will all have to own up to our beliefs once in a while

marvin and i were together for almost a year and a bit... but that has come to a screeching halt. i bet that you all never thought that it would come to this, a year of perfect bliss, yes of course we had our down times, but who doesn't? i am faced with the issue of what is important to me now and what do i see for my future? like i learnt before... if i know that there is going to be an earthquake do i run away scared or live life to it's fullest and then deal with it when it comes around? that is something that i have never really been able to figure out... haha i know that a lot of you think that i am pretty shallow and cold hearted when it comes to relationships but i really do love him... but i must say that i love my family more. blood right? i am confused. i know that the opinion of my family should not matter..so on and so forth... but my family is really tight and in everything that i do i hope that they will approve of it. i know that sounds really cliche and disgusting but that is how i was raised. i am sot even really sure what i am even rambling about.

this summer is going to be an important one... i want to find a good job or maybe go off to china and work for a couple of months. i think that i need to find myself some more... i left Calgs to get away from a lot of things and now i feel that i am even more lost. i just want to get school done and then find myself again... i know that there isn't anyone else out there that i possible can see myself with right now either... meh.... school is first and then we will see right? aii i am just sick of everything and everyone... please just all keep your big mouths shut and let me be happy for a bit.... thanks

december one three

marvin + crys gingy

gingy buddies in a circle

3:30pm>> wow, i have 4 finals left and i get to go home the day of my last exam... damn only a week left before my brain has a total melt down... haha... just kidding. i am not doing that bad this sem.. haha all that crazy hard work hasn't been all for nothing thank goodness. hmm almost done my christmas shopping, just need to think of what to get my dad and some of my other friends... hmm... what to get... i will figure this out very very soon. yesterday we had our annual christmas party at andrea's home and we made our gingerbread people.. haha marvin's first time doing that... damn we take a lot for granted with all of this Christmas stuff. yeah. i am just excited to go home and see my parents and eat like there is no tomorrow... i got my hair done the other day.. haha it's pretty black with a whole bunch of streaks going through it, hahaha blond, orange and this weird yellow color... hmm... well.. it's time to get back to my studies. happy holidays

november two seven

1:30pm>> wow the month is almost over... hmmm christmas time.. hahah i still have soo much to freaking buy... hahaha... oh well... i love buying stuff for people... well ppl i love that it:) haha. hmm yesterday was soo fun.. went out to eat with marvin.. yummm i have the seafood linguine... then after we went to Death by Chocolate for dessert and Belgium waffles... aii.. sooooo good... hahaha... hmmm finals are coming up really soon... i will be home on the 20th of december...this week is going to be crazy too... 2 labs, bio presentation, customer appreciation night at Urban Women and stat exam... aii... kill me now.. hahhaa just kidding.. i have it all under control... yum*

november two three
10:19pm>> wow i can't believe that it's been 10 months already. i love you. i can't believe that i have been in edmonton for almost 2 years now.. the time has really flown by really quickly... school is hectic.. and it's only getting harder as time goes by.. hahaha who would have thought that my third year would be soo damn hard?? dang it. went home for the long weekend... aii that was really nice... i miss my family a lot... i remember when i first left for Calgs all i could think about was spending time with my friends when i went home to visit Calgs.. but now all i want to do is lounge around in my house and just chill with my parents or just shop with my brother... haha... maybe i am just becoming a loser... meh. don't care. hahaha... lately.. all i have been doing is work, volunteer, school, school, school and more school.... aii... it's almost over and then i will be home in Calgs.. aii QUEEN BED... sweetness... hmm.. maybe go out to banff for some quality time... we'll see...nothing is really new with me... just feeling a little hopeless some days.. but i snap out of that... blah... just soo tired.. i feel like i can never get enough sleep... why is that?? and some night i can't even sleep a wink... boooooo i love sleep... ai.. i better start Christmas shopping too.. soo many ppl to buy things or.. or do i? hmmm... haha maybe if you are lucky... hahaha... i hate buy stuf for ppl that i don't really know or feel obligated to buy for... aii... ok.. enough ranting... don't want to bore you all. hahahaa peace out

october one two
11:06am>> wow... the long weekend is already over... that was really quick... hahah damn i am sick like a dog... i hope that i don't have bronchitis... pray for me please. hmm this weekend... didn't really do much, just spent a lot of time with marvin just chilling out and of course studying for my biochem midterm that is tomorrow... i have a lab tomorrow too.. hahaha why am i such a procrastinator?? it's not a good thing... oh yeah i also went to Chase over the weekend... haha eva's birthday.. damn my boss is getting old.. haha jkjk... all good... i love my life. it's great. haha now to hit the books again... happy THANKSGIVING... remember that there is always lots to be thanksful.. i kind of missed being home with my fam... last weekend was awesome.. i love going home for the weekend... sushi, fam time, shopping with jon, met up with oliver from switerland, bb tea with the church crew and of course fam thanksgiving with my fav fam the cheungs, my god family.. haha my 3 brothers and of course my wonderful parents. aii.. i am hungry... time to get some food... later. bang bang
home for the holidays

september two seven
11:08pm>> over the weekend, lisa, marvin and i went to barcode and chase to celebrate roger's birthday... wow can you believe that we have all known each other for a year now?? time really does fly. hmmm school is starting to get crazy... i cna't wait to go home this weekend... i haven't been back to Calgs in a while... it will be good to se some friends, my cousin and of course chill out with my parents... damn i know that i take them for granted way to much of the time... but who doesnt?? we think that our parents are always out to get us when really they are just there to look out for us.. haha i always find myself lecturing my friends the way my mom used to do it to me... it scares me sometimes but i guess that we only learn from the best right? haha i always catch myself talking about business or life like my dad does when we go out for lunch or coffee together... aii... home i can't wait.... welll some new pics are going to be up in a bit... check for them later.. ps. happy birthday budgie bird.. sorry i wasn't in calgs to celebrate with you. love you lots

september two three
11:08pm>> wow can you believe that today is my 8th month anniversary???? wow i think that i have really changed relationship wise... things in my life couldn't be better... hahaha school is crazy, but that is always the case right? so many different things that i have gone though this year and it's only half done. next month is going to be my parent's silver anniversary too (25 years) that's insane... hahaha do you think that i will ever be able to get to that point in my life?? wow... hahah only time will tell... i am really confused i guess... somtimes i can't have enough time with marvin, but other times we can't stand each other... hmm i wonder if that is healthy?? hahahhaa it's probably because we spend wayyy too much time together.. aii with school, work, volunteer... all that crap.. ther eis hardly time to sleep... i think that i need to quit work so that i have more time to sleep... oh and of course more time to study... hmmm... nothing really else has happened. i miss home. i think that i am starting to get a bit homesick too... blah

new me

lisa and i

us

august two three
1:56pm>> damn this web page was definitely needing a face lift... hahaha... well i am officially twenty now... crazy... i love being half way through uni now and things are going exceptionally well. lisa is finally back in edmonton with me.. hahaha lil hermit crystal will be back in the clubs now... ahaha just playing. hmmm... so what have i been up to???? went to stampeed, k-days (in e-town), taste of edmonton, Canada day fireworks, dinner theatre, trips to calgs to see fam and friends... haha mint was bunk ass.. but that's ok i still had fun with my cuz and some friends:) chris you are the best. i am still working at urban and for the uni... hahahhaa bling bling... finally bought all the stuff i wanted too.. haha including my couch and of course my shocks... hahahaha damn who would hvae thought that i would start buying jeans for $200 and think that they are on sale.. dammit. oh well... i love you marvin... hahaha HAPPY 7 MONTHS:) wow!!!!!! saturday ngiht was marvin's grandpa's 81st b-day that was soo fun... we also went to his cousin's wedding... hmmm oh yeha there was jeff and cuc's wedding... congrats.. that was soo awesome too... hmmm well school starts in about 3 weeks... crazy... trip to hk for christmas maybe?? family?? hahahaha... well here are some pics of our lobster dinner a few weeks ago. i amg oing to keep my dailies back now.. hahah the whole summer without internet has been crazy... but it's all good that i have it back now:) oh yeah i cut my hair really short.. haha pics of that soon too. byeeee... sorry my thoughts are sooo all over the place. i will start writing better later:)