Disclaimer: If you read this and you think you know what it's about, you're probably wrong, especially if you're a guy. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately -- probably too much -- and this is what I've concluded. This in no way reflects anything but decisions I've made and things I've done.


Note: If you can relate to this and it applies to you in some way, that's great and it makes me happy. A lot of things have happened in my life lately and, from some of the reactions I've gotten on this, in the lives of a lot of my friends. But this is NOT a reference to anyone in particular or how anyone in particular should be feeling, thinking, etc. It's based on several different things and only applies to me at this point in time. But, like I said, if you can relate to what I'm saying, that's lovely. Just don't take it any one way.


Justin: We look out for each other around here.
Kendal: Which is cool. Some people did that back home, but it was kind of sketchy. Here, you just have to figure out which direction the knife is coming from.


I felt the need to resurrect an old quote from Kendal in light of what's been going on lately. Trust is a sketchy thing. Everyone can be trusted to a degree, but sometimes it's hard to figure out what that degree is. Sometimes people hurt you. This fact cannot be escaped. And I don't think I can name one person who hasn't been hurt in some way. But...

How you react to being hurt is up to you. I run away. It's a habit I've picked up. Not necessarily a good one, but a habit nonetheless. Sometimes I manage to work through it, but often it has a tendency to fester. Then I get angry. I'm the first to admit this reaction isn't good. Anger doesn't help anything, but then again, neither does running away.

I can be very cold and distant. It's the first defense mechanism that springs to life when I'm hurt. I separate myself from whatever might have caused it. And while this may not make me any happier, it serves its purpose. In removing myself from the situation, I can think about what's happened and where to go from whichever point I find myself standing at. But life does not stay still and wait for anyone to come to a decision. It dances around us, perhaps taunting and perhaps comforting, but always impatient.

We might find ourselves wondering if it's worth it. Honestly, why even bother? It's so easy to get hurt and so hard to get over it. And, like me, you might find yourself lowering those levels of trust until everything becomes impersonal and safe.

Someone will always find a way to break through those shields, even if they don't mean to. Then, in leaving yourself defenseless, you might be hurt again. The hurt builds, grows, and thickens the shell you build around yourself.

Maybe your trust drops down until it trickles through you like a stream in the middle of a summer drought. It might as well be nonexistent. The risks you might have once taken are no longer risks. They are simply questions and hopes you already know how to answer. Because with no trust, you will protect yourself from feeling even the smallest loss. You play it safe.

One day you might realize that by insulating yourself from any sort of pain, you lose more than you could ever comprehend. So many little things can hurt you, but you learn so much from them. Sometimes relationships and attachments must be destroyed in order for each of us to find what we really need. You can't go through life thinking that because you were hurt once or twice, you should give up on anything. Every tiny wound has its place in making us what we are.

I personally would not go back and change anything in my life. So many things have happened and there are things that I should probably regret. But regret, like anger and running away, is useless. It only makes us dwell on what could have been instead of what could be. The future holds so much potential for beauty, but beauty is nothing unless we have something to hold against it and compare. Unless we learn from our mistakes, our reality goes nowhere. It stays stagnant and unresolved while we seep ourselves in the belief that what we have is enough, because it cannot get any worse. If you are happy, so be it. But think about what you might be losing.

Always take your chances when you have them. Maybe not every prospect you have is right for you and maybe you have several different options to choose from. But if you take the risk for what you think you might want, at least you know you can't think back and ask yourself what might have happened. Even if it turns out badly, you took a chance and now you know. If that means running away or getting angry, those are things you have to deal with. Very few wounds cannot be healed. It may just take the right situation or the right change.

Would you rather spend your life wondering what you missed or knowing that you tried?

I want to know I tried.



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