Some Quotes….

And a link to some more quotes.

"I can't be bothered fighting hostile takeovers in paradise. Too many mixed drinks to enjoy on the beach." - Chiquita.

"Hey, do you want to play a quick game of 'you know you're psycho when...?' Okay, I'll start then. You know you're psycho when you reprimand your boyfriend for eating too many Doritos because you're the one who's going to have to organize his pills [...] when he's 70, and you're the one who's going to have to cut them in half because you'll be living on nothing but your meager social security monthly allowance and having to take half a pill a day to save money." -Tay

Mi: "Boycotting Valentine's day?"

Me: "Not this year."

M: "Hell froze over."

"No, you will not have eighty cats, because then everyone will know you are single. Try for birds." -Katherine, on being single at an old age.

"So it's not the world that needs to change, it's my counting." -Nadia, while trying to convince me that there are eight continents.

This editorial is great.

"Three days a week I go sit at the house and make sure my children don't kill or fuck each other." -Nick, in response to my question about what he's up to these days. Luckily (I think) they aren't actually *his* children.

"I didn't say it had to be intentional, but if anyone could accidentally take out an entire city... It'd be you." -Nick

"Yeah, there's something sexy about buying in bulk." -Jason, during a discussion on Sam's Club.

"Yeah, raising a small child is a lot of work. I think Taylor's and my relationship has become like that of two parents who meet at a parenting club, exchanging stories, trading advice. So I think if D is milder form of future children to come, then it's going to be a loooooong 18 years until those motherfuckers (my kids) are out of the house." --Alex, on Tay's bf.

Me: "If you hate us all so much, why are you still here?"

Vladimir: "I didn't have the money to go somewhere else."

"It's scary though how after a few months they morph into attractive beings. Like seeing an oasis in the desert, you know? Your mind is so starved for good looking men that your brain lets you see them." -Trish

Me: "I am so incompetent. How did I get into grad school?"

Sapan: "Wow, what a winning attitude!"

"You know how when you walk into a public restroom and the integrity of every stall has been compromised and you have to pick the least disgusting one? That's how I feel about dating." -Trish

"They are suicidal. They want to die a cold, icy death." -Chiquita, the night I was questioning why there are still birds in Syracuse even though there's snow.

Me: "They wanted to know why we're still talking three years later."
Ben: "Because we chat like little girls about nonsense all night long, so that makes us friends."

"Normal. You don't throw that one out there often, do you?" -Kasey

Me: "I need to work on this procrastination thing."
Chiquita: "Maybe, but you can wait till later to get started on that."

Me: "I'm going to go stalk some guys in the apartment building."
Mi: "I'm sure they're scared."
(I need to hang out with less sarcastic people)

Lots of quotes from my friend Erin...

"He thinks he's God's gift. Unfortunately for females everywhere, it appears that he is." -On a friend of ours.

"No, I still maintain it isn't us that's fucked up... Just everyone else." -She's great for my self-esteem. ;-)

"Maybe that is what we should do in real life. Meet a guy, attempt to create a solution to some nagging problem, like, say -- global warming -- make some posters about CFCs and hit the hay. It could work." -During a discussion about trashy romance novels.

"It's like that Lewis Black joke. 'If it hadn't been for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that semester in college.' It's the kind of comment that makes your brain explode if you think about it for more than thirty seconds."

Me: “Hold on. I need to edit the stream of bad words that are forming to describe this bastard.”
Erin: “You? Censorship?”

Greg: “I can’t talk to women if I’m not drunk.”
Ryan: “Yeah, it’s a great substitute for social skills.”

"Yeah, after he was attacking me like a rat on a mountain of cheese..." -Christina, during a conversation on the merits of the Invent-A-Boyfriend.

"Who have I known for thirty-five years? I can't answer that right now. But if I were thirty-five, I'd point to everyone here." -Tim.

"I've never done this before... I went to his apartment; I had to say it in person -- NO." -Christina

"No trying to molest me this week!! I know how you are." -Jeff.

On love/hate relationships...
Me: "He hates me. It's all good."
Ioana: "Does he? On even days?"

Gabriel: "I never know what I'm talking aboot."
Me: "Aboot?!"
Gabriel: ::shrugs:: "We are close to Canada."

“I am not promiscuous, you know. Promiscuity implies that attraction is not necessary.” -Tallulah Bankhead... I love this one.

Me: "Mom, I'm joining a convent. I found one."
Mom: "There's one that will take you????"

"At the rate you're going, you should be able to clean out the continental U.S. and most of Europe by the time you get out of grad school." -Ben. Sometimes I hate my ex.

Me: "I'd like to read your paper when you're done with it."
Sapan: "I'd like to read my paper also... without having to do it."

"If I wanted brainless and reaching a wide audience, I'd go to the bar and pick up a slut." -Ben, on books.

“If he wants a fuck buddy… You aren’t required to be emotional. That’s the deal.” –Christina… Sums it up perfectly.

Me: “My nails look like shit. I need to get them filled.”
Mi: “How’s that relevant to your paper?”

Me: “Do I have ‘stalker’ tattooed on my forehead?”
Mi: “Quite.”
Me: ::looks disgusted:: “How do I get it off?”
Mi: “Surgery.”
Me: “That’s expensive.”
Mi: “Wear a hat, chica.”
Me: “It’s like the ‘booty call’ one on my ass… They can see it through my clothes.”
Mi: “Then you need to get better clothing.”

"God, I would kill for a steady relationship with someone I didn't want to choke." -Ben

"Yeah, but nobody can take your place." -Jeff... Why aren't most guys this sweet?

Frank: "You're gorgeous, and you can marry me any time you get lonely. How's that?"
Me: "Thanks... I'll keep that in mind. How would your girlfriend feel about that, though?"
Frank: "Eh, if you married me, that'd be you. And then I figure you'd be okay with it."
I guess he missed the part where I was talking about his current gf...

"How was I a bigger whore than you were this weekend?" -My ex. Not sure if I should feel insulted by the implications of this statement...

"It's like this. If I cook a flat piece of dough with tomato sauce, pepperoni, and cheese on it, and I call it soup... It's not soup, it's pizza. It always was pizza, and it always will be pizza. No matter how much I call it soup, it will still be pizza." -Frank, on semantics.

Me: "Benjamin, I love you dearly, you know that?"
Ben: "Don't say that. I'm in danger of feeling like a good person."

"It's hard to spice up nightly threesomes." -Anonymous

“Apparently Bean thought I was dead. And here I was thinking she had snuck back to Spain and was living in some Spanish harem where men were HER bitches. But she’s not.” –Molly, after the frightening away message I left her.

“So for Halloween…. Very effective pushup or implants? Because, wow, Bean.” -Cat

"I miss the fires, too, but they're gone now. You have snow and I have riots where they overturn cars..." -Frank, getting nostalgic about good old WVU.

After dinner and a few drinks...

Ioana: "Oh, how cute! You're a Russian who speaks Spanish!"
Daniel: "And you're a Romanian who's not getting any more vodka."

"There are going to be some couches on fire tonight..." -The ESPN announcer after WVU beat Virginia Tech. How hilarious...

"'Dude' is like chicken pox for me... Had it, now I'm cool." -Alex

Ben: I'm a good cook. I make the best soup. I add a couple more chicken broth cubes and some seasoning salt.
Me: Is there anything else in your soup?
Ben: Whatever else comes in the can.

"It says on the side of the box, 'Cooking instructions.' If you follow those, it's cooking." -Ben, who used to think that cooking meant heating something in the microwave. At least it's progress.

"A muskrat? Good God, girl, what are you talking about?!" -Alex. If you're not Chiquita, you won't get this, but suffice to say, at the time, the voicemail message seemed hilarious.

"Your away messages are very bitter, you need to settle down." -Ben. This is especially funny coming from him.

"What conversation ever begins with, 'Speaking of Hannibal Lecter...?' I'm not sure I want to hear this one." -Erin

"Right. You in bed before 4am... When did hell freeze over?" -Cat

"I am Bulgarian. We do not accept favors. But don't worry... We fix computers for free." -Zdravko, the day after I destroyed some system files, when I offered to take him to Carousel Mall as a thank you for promising to fix it.

Sharona: “How are you?”
Me: “I’m wonderful!”
Sharona: “You’re young. Things will change.”

“When we finally get some good collectors, Becka, you don’t fucking drown them.” -Sharona, after I threatened Laura for the eight hundredth time one day.

“You know, we try to make you feel as alienated as possible.” -Jonathan, after I yelled at him.

“Your language is a whole something else.” -Tim

"Honey, you need to get a train of thought." -Cat, during a conversation in which I started about fifteen sentences and completed none of them.

“It's all fun and games until you spill the Jager." -Kent, last night, when Adam was trying (unsuccessfully) to pour a shot.

When the waitress busted out some really bad Spanish...

Me: “Con kweso? The look on your face was priceless.”
Tay: “The look on your face was priceless... You looked like you had been deeply offended.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t room together in grad school. We’ll have no friends.” -Chiquita, after lunch with Billy, who spent the two previous hours looking like he was trying to figure out a way to escape... desperately.

Me: “How tall are you again?”
Billy: “6’3”. I have big feet, too. I’d just thought I’d throw that out there.”

“It’s hard to hang out with people sober. You have to be really good friends.” -Chiquita, after lunch with some random people.

Me: "He said, 'You sent back our $20 check! That won't hold up in a court of law!'"
Laura: "Yes, the law has a funny way of not holding up in court."

(According to law, since we're a private collection agency, we don't have to accept anything less than payment in full. He did not send payment in full... on a $25 account.)

Me: "I don't know if I should call him. He used too much tongue."
Shay: "Dude, that could be good for other things."

Patrick: "Will Santa bring presents tomorrow night, too?"
Aunt Ginny: "No, just one night."
Aunt Karen: "This isn't Hanukkah."

On sleeping arrangements...

Me: "I can cram myself into the chair; Ben can cram himself into the loveseat... Oh, but he's taller."
Aunt Ginny: "Hon, I hate to tell you, but there are only two people in the house who aren't."

(Those two people would be my 4- and 5-year- old cousins.)

Me: "Why don't I just get 'stalker' tattooed across my forehead?"
Nick: "Because it would give you away?"

"If there's one thing you've learned from this class, it's that people are whacked." -Dr. Myers, talking about the relationship/communication class.

"Just as a word of advice... If they do suck, you don't want them anyway, because they don't swing your way." -Tommie, our gay waiter at E'n'P the other night, on guys and how much they suck.

Me: "I'm so confused."

Nate: "How is that different from usual?"

"You buy them cologne, you buy them a sweater... You don't buy them a dildo." -Scott, on what to get friends as gifts.

"Pussy is *not* a gross term. It used to mean cat!" -Scott

Greg: "I've never found Adam attractive."
Me: "You've never met him!"
Greg: "I don't think that would change matters much."

"I think I’m getting the misplaced revenge from all of the girls who were wronged once and are now out to make the opposite sex frustrated." -Matt

"I'm going to miss the boys. And the sun. I really like them both." -Kae, on going to a women's college in Virginia. She lives in Cali now.

"I promises funnelcake with corn." -Delaware Mark, trying to translate a French sentence that read, 'he promised that he would do it.' Hey, at least he got one word right.

"I can fall off skates. If there was an Olympic competition for skidding across a rink, arms wheeling, shrieking loudly before crashing gracelessly into the side and sliding onto the floor, I would not so much win gold as win world acclaim." -Ki, on ice skating.

"There's a fundamental difference between dating and screwing." -Mi, during a conversation on guys.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

"I told you WVU doesn't require you to spell your correct name." -Crissy, commenting on the very high and stupid males sitting at the table behind us, who apparently go to school here.

Jon: "Am I a non-friend? I go to the gym, too, you know."
Mi: "You're a non-best friend, yes."
Jon: "That sounds like a contradiction."
Mi: "Why?"
Jon: "I am a non-existent best friend. An imaginary friend. So instead of the usual six-foot bunny, you picture a sorta muscular Jewish kid with a big nose. I think you have problems and need a better imagination."
Mi: "You exist. You're just not my friend."

On going to the gym...

Mi: "Not *that* place?"
Me: "Yeah. *That* place."
Mi: "That's it. We are no longer friends. I can't be friends with someone who goes *there.*"

Later on...

Mi: "We can be non-friends."
Me: "What are 'non-friends?'"
Mi: "People who are friends even though they shouldn't be and aren't. I'm sure you've used that on guys..."
Me: "No, but I might start."
Mi: "You might want to classify them as 'scum' first."

"I'm putting off procrastinating until the weekend. I'm too unmotivated for it to be full blown procrastination." -Benji... ::grin:: Now that's talent...

On a past relationship:

Nichole: "And we were engaged..."
Scott: "Why were you engaged?"
N: "You know, that's another question."

"The problem with being a Baptist is that you have to get married before you have sex, so *that's* a big hassle." -some guy in my comm class

On GC's song, Boys and Girls (more specifically, the line that says, "Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money”)...

Me: "A lot of girls are like that, though..."
Cat: "Yeah, and we went to high school with most of them."

On behaving...

Me: "Boag, I need to be tethered to a bed or a chair that's bolted to the floor."
Cat: "I don't think being tethered to a bed is a very good idea..."

“No one should be at the rec center for four hours and fifty-three minutes. That's your public service announcement for today." -Chiquita

"Felix acts like the damn thing is the biggest threat to my living room that he’s ever seen." -Molly, on her new cats and their toy that resembles a fake, dead mouse -- complete with x's over their eyes. ;-)

"I've got the Polish libido, which just means it's big and fat." -Anonymous, talking about a significant other.

Shay: "I was not a good girl today."
Everyone in the office: "What...?"
Shay (grins): "My ex, ex, ex boyfriend from like tenth grade."

In Spanish, after the prof made us pick people for group projects....

Lee: Do you want to work with us, Becka?
Me: I don't want to *do* it.
Mary: Well, are you going to do it?
Me: Um... No.
Matt: Simple as that, huh?

"You know you're in West Virginia when the band has a shotgun." -Laura, during a parade, where all we could hear was the Mountaineer getting a little trigger happy.

"I freaking hate you... Do you realize that every time you have an obsession you pass it around like a disease?!" -Cat

"Always choose out of state males. There's always a level of intrigue about them... Until you visit their home and realize that their Walmart is no cooler than yours." -Chiquita, on dating men out of state.

"I miss the beach. Though I repaired a lot of fluoride filters, and those have sand and water in them, too... It wasn't quite the same." -Ben, when I told him about the beach in Mexico.

When trying to figure out how to tell someone what I felt about something...

Me: “Why is honesty not always the best policy?”
Mi Young: “Because people are pricks.”

“I'll alert the National Guard." -One of Nick's ever creative responses to my away message of "misbehaving," as if I'd ever actually misbehave.

"I looked at the menu and suddenly felt like Becka... I couldn't decide on anything." -Erin at E'n'P tonight, because I never know what I want and usually have to have the waiter choose for me.

After Eric said I annoyed him -- mostly because I talk too much -- the first time I met him...

Me: Do I still annoy you?
Eric: No, you grew on me a little bit...
Erin: Like a flesh-eating virus.

God, I love my friends. They so heighten my self-esteem.

Me: "I had an awesome weekend."
Shay: "What did you do? (pause) Wait. *Who* did you do?"

My co-workers have such faith in me... Is it that hard to believe that I'd behave? Eh... I know the quote makes me sound like a slut, but that amuses me since I've been so damned *good*.

"Yes, whoever said diamonds were a girl's best friend obviously forgot about the 3 inch pumps." -Kae, during a conversation about being short and tall guys.

Me: I'm boycotting relationships. I'm becoming a nun.
Erin: You can't do that! You're not even a good Catholic!

"I just want to be a college town slumlord." -Erin. After listening to Tim describing Travis' house for over an hour last night, this is far funnier than it should be.

"I have a crush on our gay waiter... Oh, wait, he's not ours." -On the good-looking waiter who helped wait on us anyway (even though we weren't in his section) and frequently stopped by to chat. Too bad it wasn't us he was checking out.

On large farm animals...

Me: "What do you mean, 'acclimated?'"
Crissy: "I touch it's head; I don't freak out. I'm acclimated."

Me: I'm trying to talk myself out of wanting a boy.
Frank: Hmmm. Well, boys lie. They suck. :-)
Me: It's a particular boy.
Frank: See above.

"Girlfriends and boyfriends are essentially just obstacles; they are *not* permanent." -Matt

Mi Young: Chica, ignore him.
Me: Now you have to back that up. Preferably with sound reasoning, but I'll take what I can get at this point.
Mi Young: He was drunk. He was babbling.
Me: ::sigh:: Right. Well, fuck me.
Mi Young: Tell him that. I'm sure he'd be delighted.

"It's rare, but there have been documented instances when guys say things with other intentions besides getting ass. For example, sometimes they want food. Or beer." - Chiquita

"I have concluded that I cannot carry on a conversation with the opposite sex unless it's about school, business, or food." -Mi, who I am inclined to agree with at this point.

"You are always honest, but you change your thoughts so much that your honesty is almost irrelevant." -Benji, on me. I'm not sure whether to be flattered or insulted. ;-)

"I'm going to consider away messages that say "Misbehaving" and don't change after a certain number of hours to be a sign that you're somewhere waiting for bail money." -Nick... Isn't it nice to know my friends have such faith in me?

Chiquita's reaction to my "taking Jen to the airport" all weekend (though in reality I just forgot to change my away message)...

Friday 2:15 p.m.: you take her to the airport alot
Friday 8:42 p.m: where the hell is this airport? dallas?
Saturday 12:36 p.m.: is the airport in alaska? you would have made it to dallas by now

kesi643: mississippi has a gulf
Moreta12: I'll throw myself in
kesi643: oh, that's encouraging
Moreta12: isn't it?
Moreta12: I'm copying your glorious example [of being melodramatic]

On my away message about things I hate...

taydiggs402: you also hate winter quarter, finding a job in journalism, and the fact that hot Oscar is 29
Mokey0304: I think you forgot to mention February
Troya821: I think you should mention Valentine's Day for me... Okay?
Paradox: Self-absorbed assholes?

Quotes from Work...

Debtor: "If I paid back every doctor I saw and every surgery I had, I'd be in debt."
Me: "Sir, you're already in debt."

And from Theater Chris...

"You wanna get addicted? Snood... It's electronic crack!"

Me: “I used to want to be a pamplemousse, but now I think I want to be a mouton.”
Shay: “What *is* that?”
Me: “A sheep.”
Sharon: “You know, those country boys screw them sheep.”

The randomness kills me...

"What would I rather do: die of an STD or die in a plane crash? I think I'd rather die of an STD because then at least I know I got some action." -Randi

"I think that this week, I will have to use the phrase: 'Boag, I've really got to bust it out,' in relation to a guy. If nothing else, I will feel empowered... before I sound like an idiot." -Chiquita

"... and last time i checked, stealing bubble bath was not on the list of sexual misconduct." - Randi, on Elmo.

"Guys suck and I hate them all... Except the ones I don't hate." -Chiquita

QUOTE OF THE DAY:

Randi: "I'm an angel."
Me: "Oh, yeah, by the way, I dropped your halo off at the repair shop."
Randi: "Are my wings still taped together? I can't see."

In case you were curious, yes, we are freaks.

"Becka, I really think that if you and Sharon tried, you could talk someone into giving you their house." -Shay (my supervisor), on me and my co-worker, because we keep talking scads of people into paying us with a check by phone instead of sending it in the mail.

Me: "You see five of me??"

Randi: "No, I see like one and a half, but it varies."

"It's kind of like tan -- sober, drunk, drunk, drunk -- asymptote." -Rich, while trying to explain why he wasn't more drunk, even though he kept drinking.

On the Collective and their stories…

kesi643: i think you should mail her and ask for your own special copy of all of them

Moreta12: ::looks revolted:: how about asking for a rope?

"I don't care if there was a witness! I didn't run the goddamn red-light!" -Joe, who later claimed that maybe it just *looked* green from a distance.

"I used to read! Hell, I used to read all the time... but then they got rid of Spot." -Greg, about which there will be no comment.

Jjshea1282: you guys don't smoke too much crack up there without me

"Another outburst like that and I'm tethering you!" -Randi, to me.

Sharon: Is he a predator?

Me: I don't know... He seems nice.

Sharon: He probably is a predator, but you won't know that until you've been predatated.

"The people from my grade are like, whatever, but the people in your grade are especially overbearing. " -Chiquita, on old high school classmates.

"Chipper, it's like you're allergic to questions!" -Randi, because my dog sneezes every time you ask him a question when the answer is yes.

"I was just calling him on a personal business matter. It's not serious or anything. I'm not a serial killer!" -What Sharon actually said to some nosy old bitch who insisted on knowing why we were calling her son.

"We handled it like two mature adults. What'd you know? Something the anteater doesn't do, hence the reason he's an anteater and not an adult." -Randi, on a random hook-up.

"Anteater? Damn child. You have some fucked up friends." -Chad. :-D

"That "logic" rant makes as much sense as a singing, dancing, drunk monkey in heat taking an Orgo exam." -Chad, lol…

"I don't want them to become what we despise... I want them to be better than that!" -Randi, on her male children and guys in general.

"When you're drunk you're almost more... subdued. No you're not! Something in the water must have made me say that!" -Randi

"'Becka' and 'subdued' should not be in the same sentence." -Nicholas, on Randi's comment.

"I don't know if I'm proud saying I fooled around with an anteater." -Randi, LOL

The sober conclusion for the night...

No anteaters are guys.

Matt is an anteater.

Therefore, Matt is not a guy.

Randi: He is sucking Hardesty's ass!

Me: Well, at least he's doing something constructive at the office.

(She can't put the quote up, because he'd see, so I put it up for her.)

Me: That's almost as fulfilling as ghetto therapy, but not quite. It's just missing that--

Randi: That whole screaming concept.

A little note on ghetto therapy... It mostly involves singing at the top of your lungs with the windows down... Preferably down High St. or Grant about the time everyone in Motown is walking to a club or a house party. It wouldn't be fun if we weren't making complete and total fools of ourselves. :-)

"He's an emotional rollercoaster ready to crash -- and I'm the front car passenger."

"Life is like an oyster. Really pretty, small and enclosing, all built around a small piece of crap." -Ki

Randi: Still, even with the "I've really gotta bust it out," I'm scared.

Me: I know. You're supposed to be.

Randi: Well, whoever laid down that law needs shot.

"This is the only female I've met that's ever fucked with my goddamn mind." -Greg, on me. The funny thing... I don't even try.

Sean: "Jenn-i-fer. Jenn-i-fer. It's two syllables."

Randi: "Um... It's three syllables, Sean."

On guys...

Me: "I really hated him three days ago..."

Randi: "Join my world!"

"They may *tell* you the British are polite, but don't believe it. All that tea makes us into tanine-high fiendish bastards." -Ki

Greg: "I'm a gentle fucking person!"

Sean: "Minus the bloodstains on my jeans..."

(Greg cut his hand earlier.)

"I can't rollerblade. Put me on anything that requires coordination of feet, and I turn into this flailing, screaming maniac. Akin to a vulture on drugs." -Ki

"I'm just glad you're not so intoxicated you're rolling off the roof, because with the stories I've heard, you'd be the one to do it." -Shay

"This is the perfect college scene: ghetto music coming out of the house and we're on the roof drinking beer." - Randi

"There are three things people associate with West Virginia: drinking, hicks, and 'Is that anywhere near Richmond?'" -Forest Ranger Joe

"The problem is that I drink so much on Saturday night that I can't even get up for the fucking 8 PM mass." -Tedesco

"It happened on the little couch downstairs. I Febreezed it when we were done. It probably would have happened on the big couch except there was an air conditioner there." -Ran, on the excitement the little couch saw last weekend.

"There are times when you can't bust it out... 'Boag, I've got to bust it out. I'm pregnant,' I mean, come on!" -Randi... Yes, at times, busting it out is not appropriate.

Me: I told you Marty is getting married, didn't I?

Randi: Yeah... To a woman!

Random guy: Fancy that!

On edible clothes, which we discussed for nearly an hour, thanks to Chiquita and her theory that grass is not only edible but tasty...

Me: Okay, we've covered grass, candy... meat would rot...

Randi: Fruit? Fruit salad!

"That's super 93!" -Randi, on our new habit of using various grades of fuel as a level of coolness.

"Boag, you've really got to bust it out." -The most overused phrase I think my roommates and I have ever used.

"If you're going to be a fuck-up, you're not going to get fucked... at least not literally." -What Randita *should* say to her guy when she busts it out.

On the 4th of July...

"How much is a 22 of Coors light?"

"Like a dollar."

"God bless America!"

"I came in and woke you up. You were awake for about five minutes. You were conscious for probably about two and a half." -Randi, on trying to wake me up.

kesi643: can't e-mail him until tomorrow

Mokey0304: you better not

Mokey0304: and if you do, just don't tell me

kesi643: it's okay. i've been manipulative enough for the day

Mokey0304: good. everyone has to have a stopping point.

"My entire year is the poster child for lifesucks.com." -Ki

On Orientation Tours and what the students will hear...

Randi: "I get to speak on the loudspeaker!"

Me: "Do you know what you're going to say?"

Randi: "Well, what I can't say is: 'If you can't get served come on down to my house and my neighbor will hook you up.'"

"When you ask a stuffed animal a question and they tell you, 'I'm not sure,' you know you have a friend." -Randi, on Ask Me More Tigger… A random but typical late night purchase for us on a very bored Wal-Mart shopping spree. I think that, combined with the Elmo bubble bath and the Princess Band-aids, were a lovely combination.

Me: "We're all crackheads."

Brooke: "We've got a few problems -- a couple of issues here and there. So when are you going to look at the penises on these dinosaurs?"

"He just hates fat, stupid girls, Randi. You're fine." -Jen, on JR.

Brooke: "I'm so hungry right now that if a cockroach went by, I would eat it."

Me: "There are enough in this building that that's a possibility."

Brooke: "Yeah, well, I'm waiting."

"I had a great discussion with my grandpa today. He basically said the girls who won't cheat on you and don't use your money are the keepers. He didn't know what to say to, 'What if they're insane?'" - My ex, on me.

"They sell ghetto and ghetto fabulous, so of course, I got the ghetto fab... but it was still pretty ghetto." -Brooke, on her cast.

After asking some guy if he wanted to do a check by phone to get his balance taken care of...

Guy: "I wouldn't trust you with my life!"

Me: "It's not your life, sir, just your checking account."

*click*

Dahlia: "Oh, Becka, Becka, Becka..."

Crissy: "It's not her fault. The boy likes to suck. He's a regular vacuum cleaner!"

As we were trying to clean up the mess from General Tso's...

Me: "It's going to make a mess, is what it's going to do."

Crissy: "You don't trust me!! [as the oil puddles between the stove and the counter] ...and you shouldn't..."

"You can't really burn rice, can you?" -Crissy, about two minutes before burning the rice.

"...and pigeons are fuzzy little rats with wings. I hate pigeons. They are so damn dirty." -Mike

kesi643: Okay, so I'm starving, exhausted, and I don't feel well. Plus I haven't had any nicotine. You know what happens now?

TheBrakes3: the murder spree?

"I'm always getting left behind. I must fade into the background. I'm like elevator music." -Chris, on having to walk home from numerous places on numerous occasions.

On ambiguous people...

Randi: Hmmm...

Me: What? Any thoughts on this?

Randi: Idaknow. He's a boy and boys are stupid.

Ooooh.... Quote from Space:

"Don't waste your time on someone who isn't willing to waste their time on you."

Conversation between me and some lady...

Me: Hi, may I please speak to Victor?

Lady: This is his sister.

Me: Is Victor not available?

Lady: No, this is his sister.

Me: Does he have a wife I could speak with?

Lady: This is his sister.

Me: IS HE MARRIED?

Lady: No, this is his sister. (pause) Did you want to talk to Victor?

Me: YES. Is he available?

Lady: Oh... No. This is his sister.

On Jared...

Me: See? This is why I didn't come over all last semester. I swear you guys hate me.

Jared: Really? I thought it was because you didn't know how to use a door handle.

"I'm sorry, because of my limited vocabulary, I have no idea what is the proper term for 'horny.'" -Jonathon, the foreign grad TA who taught my Comm class the other day.

"She needs to learn to keep her fucking clothes on." -Chad... How often do you hear this from a guy?

Randi: "He's mocking you."

Me: "I know."

Randi: "That's rude. Kick him. You have my permission."

"I don't go to school, I go to prison." -Cat, on our old HS… I think my class terrorized the faculty and administration so much that we ruined it for everyone else…

Me: "Are you going to be here tomorrow?"

Randi: "Yes."

Me: "That's good."

Randi: "Why? What are you plotting?"

"If you're calling to complain about me, you might as well just hang up, because it's not going to do you any good." -Amy, to the lady who'd called four times.

"Will someone please explain to me why the hell it's snowing?" -Nate, although this was funnier when it was still snowing.

"It kind of comes back to that, 'if you love something set it free and if it's truly yours, it'll come back...' And then later there's always the option of hunting it down and killing it." -Sharona

"Did I miss the memo that said we have to pay extra for heat?" -Aaron, a senior at my old HS.

Tay: "Who are Nate and Chris?"

Me: "They're guys and they're weird."

Tay: "That's like saying, 'It's water and it's wet.'"

"Men suck, Becka. They aren't worth it. Well, the sex is, but they aren't. If it were possible to have sex w/out guys, I'd be set... Oh, nevermind. That's a bad road to go down." -Molly, after V-day.

Me: "I don't know... Because I like getting what I can't have."

Chris: "You should try a prison inmate then."

"So, Becka, what would you give Jared on the Asshole scale? You know, where 0 equals Martha Stewart and 10 equals Jared." -Chris

"You are NOT going over there tonight! I cannot do a damn thing about it but you are not going over there!" -Randi, because I've visited two specific friends EVERY DAY for the last month.

Kesi643: "Yeah, you know what I'm going to be doing on Valentine's Day?"

Mokey0304: "Wearing black?"

"I feel like I'm watching 'Days of Our Lives' on my own friggin' computer." -Chris. This does not require and will not get an explanation. If you really want to know, ask.

Nick on his car…

N Miano: It hates me.

N Miano: I hate it.

N Miano: We make it work.

"Do you know where we are? Besides West Virginia?" -Randi, after I forgot--randomly--where Applebee's was. I think if we'd played "If I were Applebee's, where would I hide?" we would have found it.

chaitrah: 7. Drop out of college and go to bartending school in Pittsburgh, hoping they send me somewhere exciting.

N Miano: I like 7.

chaitrah: Yes. But mom said no. She's not funding that.

N Miano: Can't you find a bartending scholarship? I'm sure there are plenty of wealthy alcoholics that could get behind that.

"Men are like chocolate. They are sweet and smooth and go straight to your ass." -Stacey, probably quoting someone.

Me: "Hey, I mentioned France in my story. I couldn't help it."

Nick: "I should have known that was coming. I saw exciting crept in as well."

"There are many ways to say I love you, but fucking is the fastest." -Jill

Jared: "Are you trying to hurt me or something?"

Me: "No, then I really would have kicked you."

Jared: "Then I would have ignored the pain and tackled you into the towel section."

"Okay, coherence was not your strong suit last night." -Nick, about what could have been classified as a rant. But realistically, how often am I actually coherent?

"I'm not easy, but I'm negotiable." -Jill

Me: Not you. Never you.

Nick: Now I'm truly confused.

Me: Angelic. You're never angelic.

Nick: Oh. Well, there's not one with horns and flames shooting from their eyes.

"So you're actually switching from third-person to second-person. Is that legal?" -Cat, on my English paper that is FINALLY done.

Me: "I am way too hyper. In French, they pronounce it 'ipp-air.'"

Bean: "Yeah. In Spanish they pronounce it 'lo-co.'"

"Good luck Mexico." -Nick, when I told him I was spending this summer in Mexico.

"I'll accept any of three languages. That's not one of them." -Nick, on French

Me: "I can become ordained?"

Nick: "Honey, for ninety-three dollars, plus shipping and handling, you can become a goddess."

Auto response from nMIANO: Out on the Great Mountain Odyssey with my gracious friend Becka...

If you don't hear from me by morning, send the cops to Goshen Road.

chaitrah: I have a chippy

nMIANO: I have a poptart

nMIANO: What's your point?

"Even the cookie monster hates those damn ginger cookies." -Houser, saying something I I think is based on Chad's away message, which would make it funny. Of course, if you've not seen Chad's away message, it really loses all meaning.

nMIANO: and i hope he can put up with your "all boys are stupid" tirades.

chaitrah: i like guys better anyway

nMIANO: except for when you don't

"If I didn't look like a Cabbage Patch Kid on crack, I would wear a hat." -Natalie

"I asked the kid, "Can I speak with your mom or dad?" He said, "I was talking to Kyle." I was like, "You're four years old, how important can it be?" - Natalie

 "You all look so.... Catholic." -Dan or Charlie, on a group cheerleading picture from high school. Maybe he's right.

Dr. V: "Cette partie de Turkey est où?" (This part of Turkey is where?)

Lucy (Dr. V's five year old daughter who joined us in class): "La plage?"

She said "the beach" because it's on the Mediterranean. As it turns out, Dr. V was looking more for a continent and not a topographical term.

"Working for the University is like working for the mob. You're like, "Wow! Look at all this money!" and then someone comes over and says, "Oh, [makes motion like taking a big pile of money and shoving a little bit towards himself] this is yours." -Dr. Weber, on getting grants at the U.

“Andrea, I’ll give you my paycheck to take the headset. The check’s in my car... I’m serious. I’ll hand it over.” -Melissa, during a particularly trying day.

“Roz, that man just asked me for a small mudsucker with a wet Pepsi.” -Amanda

“I called the FedEx people. I’m shipping myself to South Africa in twenty minutes.” -Christopher Thomas

Me: “Ben stole my chicken. Would it be okay if I killed him?”

Nick: “Is that some kind of slang?”

“Has anyone just flat out laughed at you yet?” -Christina, the day I wore wings to work.

Me: “That man is almost pretty.”

Amanda: “He also asked if you were nuts.”

“Hon, don’t worry about it. Tim and I have it under control. You just stand there and look angelic.” -Andrea, as we started to get a lot of customers.

Me: “Don’t make fun of me.”

John: “Oh, it’s too late.”

“God was having a really off day when he made Christopher.” -Christina

“You can pull out now if you want... or you can fake it. I really don’t care.” -Jamie, on cleaning the topping cart.

"I like it better when they say, 'I think I'm going to McDonald's now.'" -Brian, after some customer in the drive-through said, "I think we're just going to come inside."

 "I was so happy he wasn't cheating on us!" -Brandi, about Kevin the K-Mart guy, after she obsessed that he wasn't coming because she saw him at McDonald's. As it turns out, he came twice.

Me: "If you were a burger, where would you hide?"

Melissa: "John's killing the cow, you gotta wait."

("John" and "speed" are never used in the same sentence at the DQ.)

On his grades...
Brad: "Hey, I brought my grades up!"
Christina: "Yeah, he brought them up to a 'C.'"
Brad: "Hey, at least I brought them up."

"I don't think you're going home at nine o'clock, Brad." -Andrea, at ten o'clock.

Jessica: "I fully believe that I will sleep my way through the dorm before the semester is over."
Andrea: "Nah, you'll grow resistance eventually."

Elisa: "When do you start, Becka?"
Me: "When my socks are dry."
(Thank God DQ has a washer and dryer.)

Me: "My clothes are on the floor."
Roz: "Are they? (looks down) Oh, Becka, what are we going to do with you?"
Jason: "Have you ever thought about therapy?"

"I don't have a girlfriend because I suffer from SLOP--Severe Lack of Play." -Mark, my best friend Dieg's roomie.

"If there was one thing in my life I wanted to be, it wouldn't be a Dilly box." -Christina, after I asked her where she would hide if she were Dilly boxes.

"You're so sweet, Kevin. No wonder no one likes you." -Allison, on a day Kevin was being particularly trying.

"No, there was no funeral, but we did have a moment of silence." -Alvin, after mentioning the plant they never watered or put in the light had finally died.

"It was like a rectal exam with a cactus." -Mark, after his calc exam.

"You have to put me on. I love cheese." -Amanda, after she found out about the quotes page.

Tony: "A single's one burger, a double's two."

Me: "Yes, but she didn't understand that."

Tony: "Yeah, well… Look at her."

As we were trying to read a note left by a coworker....

Me: “Look at this. What does it say?”

Tony: “I’m an evil whore? An evil slut? Am I close?”

"Gwen, I committed cardinal sin #2. Are you going to fire me now? (pause) Please?" -Christopher Thomas

"Well, I guess that goes in that special file called the trash can." -Allyson, when Kevin picked up the file she asked about and tossed it in the garbage.

"What? No wings today?" -Some customer who clearly had visited DQ the night I decided I was an angel.

On Brad...

Ben: Well, is he really a drug addict?

Me: He's clean right now. His big plans seem to be waiting for his drug classes to end so he can start again.

Ben: Oh, good. At least he has goals.

As the DQ flooded...

Me: "Roz, can I go swimming?"

Roz: "No..."

Me: "Are you sure? The water's deep enough."

Conversation between Heather and the waiter...

Heather: "So I've decided that I'm going to drop out of school and drive trucks cross-country despite the fact I can't parallel park and train to be a parapsychologist and a princess getting a dual degree."

Chad (our waiter): Oh, you have a future!

 "Shh! I'm practicing u-turns!" -Heather, after our second scenic side trip to McKeesport on the way to Kennywood.

"Any young drug addict would be happy to date you." -Jason, when I asked him if I looked okay after a hellish day at the DQ before going out.

Ben (to his mom): "Mom, if you were your keys, where would you be?"

His mom: "Lost."

"I had a nervous breakdown from doing Chem, so I said fuck it and went to bed." -Stephanie, my friend from Notre Dame, on a class that can only get worse.

""You don't need an excuse to get drunk. You're in college now." -Crissy

"I would buy a watch off a good-looking girl before I'd buy a watch off some fat bitch." -Robbie, about my English report on advertising and the message it sends.

"We have died and gone to Pop-Tart Heaven." - My roommate, Annelee, upon seeing the three boxes of pop-tarts my mom bought us.

"You are surrounded by mystery.... Oh, that is so not good when we're talking about the ass pants!" -Heather, while she was reading my tarot cards...

"There are no bad words. Fuck is no worse than saying 'dog.'" -My comm teacher, on the connotations we give to certain words.

"You know, I was sitting with my husband last week, enjoying some wine and we didn't even need to light candles because of the glow from the bottle!" -Some lady giving a lecture on genetics who was talking about the effects of radiation near the sites like Chernobyl (or how ever you spell it)

"I'm going to quit smoking. Don't look at me like that! I really am! Right after I get through the ten packs I just bought." -Mike, as in Slim Shady Mike and not to be confused with Big Drunk Mike from the sixth floor. He won't quit.

"Those of you who miss this question probably do not come to class. That or you've probably smoked too many joints and had to finish by random guessing." -Dr. Bishop, my Bio professor, on the problem on his test that 5% of the class always misses... That tells you in the question that if you fill in E, you get it right.

"Um, Bean, I see only one flaw with your line of thinking in this one. While I understand that quite a few people from Geibel could potentially buy you alcohol, I'm not sure I'd classify anyone from our school as gorgeous." -Tay, in response to my e-mail about someone I just saw from high school.

"You know that the only reason you're getting away with this is because it's two days before break." -Jim, the building manager/supervisor person, to Dunc and Cameron, who were aiding the rest of the fourth floor in violating "quiet hours," like there's ever a time on fourth that's quiet.

"You know, I'm a relatively decent human being..." -Annelee, as though she's grasping for something good to say about herself.

"Are you talking to yourself?" -Me, to Annelee at five this morning, when she found it amusing to IM herself from my ID... And then IM herself back from hers.

"Oh, God, they should not have put us together! They should have put me with someone studious!" -Annelee, at four in the morning the night before our big Bio test, which neither of us had started studying for.

Slim on Religion:
"We aetheists take Sunday as our holiday... Actually, I take Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday too."

"Hey, it's the second day of Hanukka! You know, when it's convenient, I'm Jewish…"

 "So don't think of yourself as being a slut. Think of yourself as getting all the play I'm NOT getting." -Tay

"I keep protesting that I'm not a slut, but dammit, I'm the first to admit that I'm turning into one!" -Jill

"No... I was good. I mean, I got a little play... Alex and I were getting there... Yeah. I had sex. You know Alex up on the fourth floor? Well, it was him. Wait... His name wasn't Alex. Shit. Wait... Oh, my God, what the fuck was his name???" -Jill

"When you sleep with twenty guys in one semester, give me a call and I'll shoot you. Until then, you're okay." -Dieg, to Jill

"It's none of their goddamn business who--or what--I've slept with. Oh, my God, I can't believe I just said 'what...' Although I guess Ryan could count as a what." -Jill

 Exchange of the Day:

"You know that you're really cute, don't you?"

"You're only saying that because you're drunk and you're fucking me."

 "Please don't bang my head into the wall." -Mike to Ashby, as Ashby carried him back to his room.

"It's not my week to be a slut." –Jill

"Brandon, you have to take the heartbeat of the embryo.... Not the bubble." -Ryan, my Bio lab partner, during one of our labs.

"In the words of Brad, 'That damned gopher lied." -Melissa, in response to my complaint about the warm weather bringing everyone to the DQ. It took me about twenty minutes to realize that it should have been "groundhog," not "gopher," and two days later, he still hadn't grasped the concept.

"Fuck no, we're not having parties! No one there drinks!" -Robbie, when I asked him if he and his housemates would be having parties next year. I guess this is only funny if you know Rob and his future housemates.

"Well, he's half American Indian... Damned Indian givers." -Dunk, when Jesse stole the covers back from me last night, even though I originally stole them off the bed and sat on the floor with them when he was trying to sleep.

"Actually, you sound kind of like a guy." -Nick, during a conversation he and I had on relationships.

"I love how people can have a full conversation with like six words and 'fuck." -Heather, after passing a very angry and possibly drunk guy on the street Saturday night.

"Damn good plan. But then we'd get caught in the flames... and that means we'd be burning in 'hell.'" -Heather, on the Chem lab and explosions.

 Conversations:

Me: "I guess this means I have to take you off my 'To Do' list..."

Brian: "I didn't even know I was on it! I guess that means I have to take you off my 'To Stalk' list. You're still on my 'To Do' list though."

Me: "That's going to be kind of difficult since you're not on mine."

Christopher Thomas: "Where the hell is Jason??"

Me: "I think he might have died."

Christopher: "He better not have! I'll kill him!"

Hello?

"We be homeboy pimp mamas tonight!" -Heather, in response to my comment that I felt like one of those white homeboy wanna-bes who drive around the neighborhoods with their windows down and music blasting to pick up chicks.

"It's like they tried to be hard-core but failed." -On the new N Sync CD.

"Let it be known to some teachers that, yes, some students are wearing red arm bands. This is not a sign of a gang-today is arm band day." -My old high school vice-principal to explain that this week is Foreign Language Week.

"Are we having a conversation about peanut butter crackers? I think we are. That's pretty sad." -Big Tall Red Jeff when I went to visit him in the mall today.

"It's pretty sad when you're on a first name basis with the UPS guys." -My mom, after waving to the UPS man in the driveway to Woodburn.

"I'm too fucking nice. It pisses me off." -Unattributed

"Beds are bad. They are the work of the devil. Especially frat beds, but we won't go into that..." -Kendal

Conversation (Nick, Erick, and Bree)

B: I got a hickey tonight.

E: From who?

B: Whatshisname latched onto my neck when he was showing me the roof.

N: And you let him stay there long enough to produce a hickey?

B: He was sucking pretty hard.

"Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience." -unknown

Justin: We look out for each other around here.

Kendal: Which is cool. Some people did that back home, but it was kind of sketchy. Here, you just have to figure out which direction the knife is coming from.

"'ZeKe V/S the Physics Test' tonight at 7, only on pay per view coming out of B&E... Odds are 50 to 1 on the physics test...." -Zeke

 "Well, it's 2 am/ I got a paper due in the morning/I... I've got to work at 8 am/..../

It's another alcoholic binge/ in the middle of the week/What else is there to do/but drink..."

Quote from Ashby: "Dunk, it's my life story! I think I'm going to cry..."

"I am as pure as a driven slush!" –My roommate... On coming to college.

 Quote(s) of the Day from my Comm Studies professor:

"Whoever thought up cosmic humanism sounds like someone on a really bad acid trip, don't they?"

"It took the English five hundred years to create the English language and the Americans only two hundred to fuck it up."

 "I am the poster child for 'bitchy' this morning." -Me to Nick, during an apology for being such a brat about almost everyone and everything.

"My mother says that I'm on crack when I leave messages like that. Could you IMAGINE me on crack?!" -Me to Nick, when explaining the difference between the semi-normal but somewhat random phone message I'd just left, and the ones I usually leave.

"Two students who took/are taking honors English can't hold a conversation on instant messenger. Great, isn't it?" -Nick

"It's true. Everything I needed to know I learned in kindergarten. Even when I was five, I knew boys were stupid." -Annelee, when she was listening to my anti-guys tirade last night.

"Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity." -Crissy, quoting someone... Not sure who.

"I have never been able to figure out precisely what a feminist is. I know only this, people call me a feminist whenever I express any sentiment that differentiates me from a doormat." -Rebecka West, 1913

 A normal day at the DQ....

Me: "Andrea, did you eat?"

Andrea: "Yeah, I had a chicken strip basket."

Me: "Okay, great, because I have to write, 'did not eat' on your punch in slip."

Andrea: "Becka, that made no sense."

 "How do you keep up with all those e-mail addresses? I can't even make my bed!" -Tay

Advice of the Day:

"Pretend you're a sandbag."

 On going outside to smoke....

Me: Hey, we almost made it outside this time!

Susie: I know! We tried!

Me: Look! We even put on our coats!

Susie: Yeah, we did. We put on our coats, we came all the way down the hall, we made it here... But we're still not out the door. But, hey, at least we made the effort!

 "And then we have 'Stoner 1' and 'Stoner 2.' They're a pair of girls who are ever so concerned with looking good and getting stoned, and not necessarily in that order." -Mark, on his project partners for some class.

Me: Where's our drunken lab partner today?

Ryan: Um... He wasn't functional.

"We didn't really steal it... It kind of followed me and Dan back to the room." -Zeke, on his vacuum cleaner.

 Kick ass: According to Nick, I can make my own sheep for my cave.

 On Tony's hickey...

Jason: "Oh, my God, Tony! That's the worst one yet! What happened???"

Tony: "It was hailing out."

Later on...

Heather: Why couldn't you punch out right away?

Me: Well, I thought it was because Tony was talking to his girlfriend, but Amanda was on break.

H: His girlfriend?

M: Yeah. He's talking to her at the counter.

H: She's kinda young, isn't she?

M: He's twenty-three and she's sixteen. Whatever makes you happy... Besides, he's got a mental age of six.

H: Well, she's a pedophile then.

FadeToADot: What's a chica Heather? Sounds like a pet! Does it eat much? How often? Do they make a mess?

On the stolen ice cream cake...

"We should leave it in front of people's doors. You know how cats leave dead animals on the doorstep? Well, we should leave melted ice cream cake. But only for the people we like." -Heather

And Dan's idea...

Me: "I'm going to fucking kill Ben. You guys are going to have to help me dispose of the body."

Zeke: "Just throw him out the window. No one would notice."

Dan (from upstairs): "You could leave dead pieces of Ben on people's doorsteps..."

 "I would be wasting my time to make you a chocolate cheesecake for your birthday if an easy purchase of raw dough and icing makes you that excited." -My mom when I told her about one evening's activities.

Heather's away message...

running around...hopefully, not doing anything illegal tonight, but i wouldnt count on my being good if i were you esp since im with becka, my dear little partner in crime. anyway, leave a msg and i'll get back to you when i am thoroughly done raising hell for the evening. knowing us, that might be quite a while from now... so you can leave me a msg and i'll will more than likely get back to you sometime tomorrow, depending on how much trouble we get into tonight. at least we are having semi-good-clean fun:-Deven if the DQ is missing a cake, the university is missing some flowers, and taco bell has an increased number of pennies....what the hell. at least we're having a good time. thats what matters. right???

"You know my extension right? In case we have to come bail you two out?" -Nick

"Oh, quarters are okay? I wasn't sure if you guys went up that high on the price scale." -Ben, on what type of change we were accepting for the food run last night. The lady at Taco Bell was not so happy.

"We'll discuss his dorkiness/pissing off ability while we are stealing university property in a little while." -Heather

"If you wanted to look like trailer trash, you'd have to wear Kool-aid stained shirts that say: 'my dentist loves me,' dirty jean shorts, and jelly shoes. That's what would have been more accurate." -Cameron

"You WORE that somewhere? You looked like trailer trash...And slutty, yes, I'll give you slutty. You were wearing a BANDANA... Who DOES that?" -Taylor

"I think you looked like girls from Maryland who were going to a country line dance." -Cameron

"You know, I honestly think I do more stupid things when I'm sober than when I'm drunk." -Unattributed.

Me: "What did Backstreet Dave do before he started taking classes?"

Allyson: "My guess is prison time."

(According to Kevin, the above is the correct response.)

 Crissy: "It's better when you're in a monogamous relationship."

Me: "I'm not doing anything right now!"

C: "That's great, cause you're not a whore."

Just to make this blatantly clear: Crissy scares me sometimes.

 "Now don't be shy, girls, put up your hands!" -Jon, when Jason (my Comm teacher) asked how many of us girls would like to be part of the Vietnamese family--which has women obeying males from birth. First your father, then your husband, and finally your eldest son. Needless to say, none of us raised our hands.

"The French are a slow people. They don't seem to be in much of a hurry to do anything, except take their two-hour lunch breaks. The French enjoy driving like maniacs, using lots of mayonnaise, and wearing gloomy colors like black in the middle of spring time. Of particular popularity are black jeans, which you may recall from their heyday in the early 1990's." -Taylor, on her vacation in Paris

"I think you could be a cave nun... Cause we'll use the money from the crack we sell to insulate the caves and install a high-tech heating and cooling system." -Again Taylor, in response to a request for opinion on whether Fijian mountain nuns or Carribean island nuns sound more exciting.

In learning about Chen's Model Theory of 8 Trigrams, Chris noticed something that had never occurred to Jason...

C: "Did they intentionally make this go on to include twelve hours of sex? Look at this: the arousing, the penetrating, the reception... 'The passion during the clinging!' What is this??"

J: "Did the Earth (the reception) and the Lake (the joyous) throw you off, Chris?"

C: "No, I can still go with this whole thing. I swear to God a bunch of horny bastards came up with this and threw in some fancy terminology to make it sound good."

"My God! If someone read this conversation, they'd think we were speaking in code." -Nick, on a conversation about being purple.

Nick (to Cameron about me): "She just left the room, half-crying and saying 'I'm wearing two different shoes'... I think she needs to get some sleep."

"Where did Kenny go?" -Heather, as we searched for the missing realtor for possibly the eighth time. It soon became our mantra.

"Those glasses are frightening." -Ben, like he's telling me something I didn't already know.

"Trying to get me up is like an Israeli peace talk. There's a lot of negotiation." -Heather, on the extreme amount of effort Zeke put into making her get up.

"Hey, if you show us your food stamps, maybe we'll let you by." -Ben, because he said the bandana makes me look like I should have ten kids running after me while I wave around my welfare.

"If we have penis on that side, we have to have 'ass' on this side." -James, when Jason (my Comm teacher) asked us to list those characteristics that distinguish a man, then those characteristics that distinguish a homosexual man.

"myu prof's have redeemaefd themsleves @ htis great festivel of intoxication" -Jerrod's away message after the Engineering departmental picnic.

now i lay me down to rest

and pray i pass tomorrows test

and if i should die before i wake

thats one less ChE test i will have to take

-mccormick

my day:

testing, testifying, being testy, getting trashed

today is brought to you by the letter T and the number 4

-mccormick

"Sit. This is sit. Sit is just the butt. Chipper, you're making a liar out of me. Maybe you're not smarter than you look." -My mom to our loser dog yesterday, while she tried to teach him how to sit. It did not work so well, although he does respond to commands in French now, much to my sister's chagrin.

"I can't remember how to think..." -Katie after the French final from hell.

"That doesn't look like a lot? That looks like a graduating class from a high school!" -Dunk, about my mom's side of the family.

"All you've got to do is hang around the flower displays around the university and she'll be around eventually." -Dunk, about trying to find me.

 About a hole in the ground outside of Woodburn the day I was searching for my ID...

Me: "If you lived in that hole, what would you be?"

Sean: "Your ID?"

 "I felt like the government, like I was giving out free cheese..." -Christina, on the line of people that stretched from the drive-through window and ALL THE WAY OUT TO THE HIGHWAY.

N Miano: this conversation is just weird

chaitrah: and every other conversation we have isn't?

"This is like Christmas!!" -Brian, because not only did we get new registers, but the drive-through was working (finally!) and he got the coffee machine to turn on.

"Hey, we got to break out the good china!" -Jason, after Gwenie ordered pizza for us at the DQ, and for plates, we used the cardboard thingys they make cakes on.

"Oops." -Christina, as she stared down at the rapidly spreading puddle of hot fudge instead of actually doing anything.

WVUBean: and alas there is love, a emotion that is mistakenly considered a good emotion that brings joy, but usually just brings misery

"That's a good defense against evil predators lurking in your woods." -Heather, after I suddenly informed her that out of the six doors leading into my house, the only one I locked were the glass doors. Not mention the part where most of the windows were open...

"It's more than just Trailer Trash Day now... It's Trailer Gang Trash Bitch Day!" -Heather, on our decision to wear bandanas (as shirts) in opposing gang colors to Kennywood.

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