To all the boys who what to be my friend,
NO. The answer is no. You do not get an appeal. I am tired of being your faithrful friend (when you have time in between girlfriends), doling out advice, telling you your wounded hearts will heal, comforting you when you are crying, and discussing your hopes and dreams with you. I’m especially tired of you telling me that I am the perfect girl, amazing and flawless, that you will never trust anyone as much as you trust me (not even your wife), and that if you weren’t such good friends with me and had just met me at a bar, you would be all over me. I have restisted the urge to cite the sources of each of those adjectives/comments, mostly because it’s not possible with my Microsoft Outlook, but each is something a different guy friend has said to me before. You clearly do not mean these things. Because if guys thought these things about me, SOMEONE WOULD HAVE LIKED ME IN THE LAST FOUR YEARS. However, this has not occurred. Guys always tell me, oh, you’re so nice, you’re so great, la la la, no, don’t change. Clearly being nice and great is not important to you all when selecting someone to go out with, as you usually select the kind of snotty girls who will probably sleep with you. Then when the girl acts like a bitch, you want to whine to me about this. NO. I really don’t care anymore. I am getting really tired of being “nice.” Which frustrates me because I don’t know how to stop being “nice.” (I’d like to take this time to recognize that I have a million flaws and bitchy moments, but since people always tell me how “nice” I am, I’m going with this here.) So you know what?? NO. No, you cannot call me at 4 a. m. No, I will not be your stand-in date. No, I will not spend three hours analyzing your latest conversation with your crush of the week. No, I do not want to hear about how hot that girl in your class is. No, I do not want to hear about how you want to marry the girl you’ve been dating for a year.
I would like to add it’s not as though I like anyone in particular or anything. I just had to listen to four friends discuss all the people that liked them after my thirteen hour day. This happens quite frequently, so I exploded. I fully recognize that my “no” answer will last only until my friend Jake* IM’s me to tell me what time we’re having dinner tomorrow... Then it will be back to duty as every guy’s favorite girl friend.