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March 2003

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For so long I have fought against the naturally awakening 'breatharianism' in me, thinking that this denial would somehow be the most rational thing to do. Time and time again, 'breatharianism' would return, in my thoughts and hopes, and hunger would vanish.

Being the "scientist person" I am, I have of course been taking notes on what I eat and how much. I am curious to see what changes there will be. I also make sure I am feeling ok physically and otherwise. I feel lonely in this form of life, without many to ask for advice. If I turn to anyone for support, they would of course act upon the knowledge they have according to average eating physiology and life. I am on my own.

My feelings and thoughts on breatharianism:

March 18
I feel like breatharianism catches up with me. I try living busy with studies and anything else, and to just live the ordinary life. I eat meals when it is offered to me, I do not tell anyone, that I do not think I would need it, or perhaps even want it. I try to not think about this, but it catches up with me. I will get these feelings of being fully content and vibrantly living, like an energy, that comes from inside. And then I will not feel hungry... But why do I just keep on eating? Sometimes, I am overwhealmed by what others might consider normal. Fever, nausea, a feeling of heaviness and denseness, all from the foods I ate. Until I can eat no more, and am determined enough to not. But what makes it so difficult, to just give in, and be 'the breatharian'?

Perhaps I feel guilty, over having found such happiness, health, simplicity, freedom, independence, and such a closeness to self. WHY should I have it, when no one else can? Why should I live, all alone, in this beautiful world with breatharianism, when everyone else keeps their heads in the world of foods, and do not see half of the things I do, when not eating! I feel like, just to be a good person, I will have to endure the meaningless colds, fevers, hungers, pains, fears... that come of food and what it results in. When really, I do not have to. Why do I fight it?

Most perhaps, who have breatharianism in their lives, have to make the efforts in removing their hunger, in finding a way to be breatharian. But for me, this was never anything I asked for! Yet, it is the most beautiful thing I know. Perhaps that frightens me? When will I give in, and just be. When will I not make myself forget that I... (scary thought!) am a breatharian, already. Even though I eat to make it appear that I am not. This is a problem.

I am afraid of what people would say, and of what I would have to say, to them, to explain and defend who and what I am. Can I help it, not being hungry most of the time? I am afraid to be different, in this sense. And the guilt, of having this beautiful wonderful option, when no one else does. I'd rather just suffer with the rest.

March 21
As if by miracle, I have acchieved that which I had been putting off and missing out on for so long! Out of some reason I am simply not eating if not hungry! This means, no more social eating, no more emotional eating, no more eating just to pretend to myself that I eat. And not eating out of boredom, or out of old habits. I eat and drink only when I feel the personal need, when the food is needed to enhance my well-being.

Only occasional food or drink cravings appear now and then, and not every day. If this happens I am happy to eat, even if I feel content after minimal amounts, like a little tiny bite of some food, or half a mouthful of drink. It is only with these occasional real needs to eat when I can enjoy the food. It simply hasn't been giving me any pleasure to eat for any other reasons for so long!

Finally I am feeling happy with my eating, and with the way I feel. Before my body shifted in sensitivity and the natural change to breatharian physiology started, I was very happy, like anyone else is who is eating 'normally' and thus following their more frequent hungers, and being able to honestly enjoy most foods. This was me, three or four years ago. Then it changed. I am simply not the same anymore, and perhaps I finally gave in to this fact that my body has lesser food source nutritional requirements, and that my source of pleasure, well-being, happiness, security and comfort is not found in foods anymore, if it ever was. I am happy this way! And I have fought against this for so long, trying to believe in what any ordinary eating person would say, that this kind of life is impossible. That a person can not be happy or healthy without loads of food. I gave in. And now I am happy. Happy as a breatharian, or something very close to it.