Chapter 15

Maria glanced over at Jacob as she drove him back to O-Town’s house. He was quiet and nervous around her. Maria sighed.

"Why can’t you just act like you did before?" she asked. Jacob looked over at her.

"Before what?" he asked, innocently.

"You know before what. I can’t have you so nervous around me. It’s making me nervous," Maria told him. Jacob looked closely at her. She was wearing sunglasses, but Jacob could see from the side that she had dark circles under her eyes and frown lines creasing her forehead.

"Why can’t you just talk to me?" Jacob asked. Maria looked over at him, then back at the road.

"I don’t want to talk about it."

"Why not? It can only help you. I want to help you and I don’t mean by sleeping with you. I want you to be able to talk to me," Jacob said. Maria gripped the steering wheel tighter.

"You helped me more than you know by being with me last night. I wasn’t looking for pity or sympathy sex," she said.

"I didn’t mean it like that. I just want to know…"

"What happened? What I saw? I saw hell, Jacob. Hell on earth. I saw a dead body and people jumping to their deaths from one hundred stories up. Is that what you want to know? Does that make you feel better?" Maria asked, her voice rising. Jacob turned to look out the window. It was worse than he thought. Maria needed more help than he could ever give her.

Maria pulled into the driveway of O-Town’s house. They just sat there in silence, neither one of them knowing what to say. Finally, after about five minutes, Jacob unhooked his seat belt and opened the door. He turned to Maria before he got out.

"Can I call you?" he asked.

"I have a lot of work to do," she said, looking at her hands. Jacob nodded and shut the door to the jeep. Maria watched him walk up the sidewalk. ‘Why am I pushing him away?’ she asked herself. ‘Why can’t I just forget everything?’ Maria quickly backed out of the driveway and took off.

"Jake’s home!" Dan called from the couch in the sitting room when he saw Jacob walk into the house. "Where’s Maria?" Jacob shrugged.

"She went home. I’ll be in my room," he said. Dan watched him walk away.

"I guess things didn’t go well," he said to Trevor, who had come down the stairs and stood in the sitting room. Trevor frowned and went after Jacob.

Trevor caught up with Jacob just as he was entering his room. "Yo, Jake! Wait up. What happened? How’s Maria?" Jacob turned on him.

"How the hell do you think she is?" he yelled. Trevor recoiled, not expecting Jacob’s sudden attack.

"What the hell’s your problem? If she’s not okay, don’t yell at me…it’s not my fault!" Trevor yelled back. Jacob closed his eyes tightly and turned away from Trevor.

"Dude, I’m sorry. I…"

"It’s okay. I know that you didn’t mean it. She’s not good, huh?" Trevor asked softly. Jacob shook his head and opened his eyes. He turned to look at Trevor.

"I’ve never dealt with anything like this. I don’t know what to say or do, Trevor. If I treat her any differently, I’m gonna lose her. She wants to pretend like everything is fine, as if it had never happened. I can’t do that. She had a nightmare and woke up screaming this morning. She was shaking and sweating. Whatever she saw isn’t going away. She told me that when she looks at something once, the details are etched into her mind immediately, kinda like a photographic memory, you know? For something nice, like a flower, that’s okay, but a dead body? I can’t imagine what she’s going through and she won’t let me help her." Jacob sat down on his bed, a dejected look on his face.

"I bet it helped her that you were there last night, though," Trevor told him.

"I guess, but she wanted no sympathy whatsoever. And I can’t help but feel sorry for her. She shouldn’t have even been there. She was only in New York because of me. I invited her there and look what she’s dealing with because of it," Jacob said.

"Jake, man, you can’t blame yourself for Maria being there when it happened. Yeah, she was in New York, but it was her decision to go check out the towers when she did. You can’t blame yourself for that," Trevor told him. Jacob took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"Maybe she’ll talk to you," he said, looking up. Trevor looked surprised.

"Why me? You’re the one she wants."

"That’s probably why she won’t talk to me. I don’t know. I think she may need a friend more than…me right now," Jacob said sadly.

"I seriously doubt that," Trevor told him. Jacob yawned. He pushed himself onto the bed and lay down, closing his eyes. "Get some rest. If Maria calls or anything, I’ll let you know," Trevor said and left the room. Jacob nodded, but doubted that Maria would call. He had no idea how long he would go without hearing from her.

It turned out to be a pretty long time.

October 1^st

"Good energy! That’s what I like to see!" Ed yelled as the guys ran through the choreography for Every Six Seconds. "Thank you for your hard work, gentlemen. Your focus was extraordinary today. I appreciate it. Take a break and I’ll be back in an hour. Don’t forget that you have to work with Doc later, too, so don’t go anywhere." The guys nodded, exhausted, and sat down or lay down on the floor, breathing heavily and sweating profusely.

"Man, I could use a week long nap," Erik said, lying on the floor, a towel over his face. These past few weeks had been anything but fun. It had been work, work and more work. Their September 11^th concert had been re-scheduled for October 11^th, which was next week, so the guys had been getting in double the practice time. They had to be good because the concert was going to be filmed for their DVD/video.

"Hey, doesn’t our cover issue of Star Power come out tomorrow?" Ashley asked. They all looked at Jacob. He took a drink of water and looked at them.

"I think so," he said. He had hoped Maria would call him---to let them know about the magazine, to tell them how she was doing, anything. But, he’d heard nothing from her. Jacob had been waiting for weeks to hear from her. He had wanted to give her space, though, so he’d stayed away. Jacob missed her like crazy, but he didn’t want to push her or upset her and if seeing him upset her right now, then he’d just stay away.

"Actually, Alex told me that it does come out tomorrow," Erik told them. "I wonder why Maria hasn’t even called to remind us."

"She’s got other things on her mind," Jacob said. He really hoped that she was okay.

"Jake’s right. If there were any problems regarding the issue, I’m sure that Maria would’ve told us," Trevor said. He, too, was worried about Maria, but tried not to show it.

"Come on, fellas, let’s get back to work," Dan said as he took his position again.

Suddenly, the door to their rehearsal studio opened and Sarah and Emily came running in, followed closely by Mike C. The guys turned to them. Sarah ran over to Jacob. She was obviously upset about something. "Jacob, Maria’s locked herself in her room and she won’t come out. She’s been in there for two days now," Sarah said, grabbing his arms, tears running down her cheeks.

"Two days? And you’re just panicking now?" Jacob asked, incredulously.

"She told us that she was okay, but…" Emily looked at the floor. Jacob frowned and walked over to her.

"What?" he asked. Emily looked at him.

"I don’t think she’s eaten or slept in days. Maria told us that she had been eating and sleeping when we questioned her, but I think that she’s been lying. I haven’t seen her eat anything and I’ve woken up late at night, either hearing music playing in her room or she’s been up watching TV. Maria seemed okay until a couple of days ago. She came home with a newspaper and she seemed really upset. We tried to get her to talk to us, but she won’t. She answers us to let us know that she’s okay, but she won’t unlock the door or let us see her. We’re really worried about her, Jacob. She needs someone and I think it’s you," she said. Jacob knew what he had to do. He just wished that he’d done it sooner. Instead of helping Maria, leaving her alone had only hurt her more. Jacob felt like kicking himself. How could he have been so stupid? Jacob quickly grabbed his guitar.

"I’ll be back later," he called as he left with Sarah and Emily. The guys all looked at each other. Mike C. shook his head.

"He better come back soon. He can’t just keep leaving like this. You guys have work to do and if you slack off, then…"

"Give him a break, Mike," Erik said, crossly. "Maria’s going through some tough shit right now. Let him help her."

"I’m all for his helping her, but he’s got to concentrate on the band, too. I know what happened was horrible, but life goes on. We’ve all just gotta let it go sometime," Mike said as he left the room. Ashley sighed. Erik lay back down on the floor and closed his eyes.

"I hope she’ll be all right," Trevor said, tears pooling in his eyes.

"We all do," Dan added.

Jacob went right to the door to Maria’s room when he arrived at the loft. He knocked. "Maria? It’s Jacob, can I come in?" There was no answer. Jacob looked over at Sarah and Emily. "Do you think you can go out for a while? I want to be alone with her." They nodded and left the loft. Jacob knocked on the door again. "Maria? Please open the door. I want to see you. We’re alone. Sarah and Emily left. Please?" Jacob waited and sighed in relief when he heard the lock click. He opened the door and went in.

The blinds were closed and it was very stuffy in the room. Maria was by the bed, sitting on the floor in a fetal position. A newspaper lay open on the floor in front of her. Jacob glanced at it. There was a picture of a handsome young guy and the headline read, Twin Brother of Slain NYPD Officer Peter Lansing Speaks Out. It was a local paper. Jacob looked at Maria. She looked horrible. Her hair was a mess, the dark circles under her eyes had gotten worse and she had a haunted, blank look in her usual bright eyes.

Jacob walked over to the windows and opened one of them to let some air into the room. He then went over to where Maria sat on the floor and he sat down opposite her, placing his guitar down beside him. He didn’t attempt to touch her in any way. Why hadn’t she gotten help immediately? Why hadn’t he made her get help? She would’ve been mad at him, but at least she wouldn’t look like she did now. The look in her eyes scared him the most. They were so troubled. She looked so tormented.

Staring at the floor, she spoke in a soft, shaky voice, "I knew him. Officer Lansing. He was with me when…you know. He pushed me out of the way. He saved my life. Something fell on him. Blood was coming from his nose and his mouth. His eyes just stared at me…cold, dead eyes. He was so young and handsome. He was flirting with me and we laughed together. I took his picture. I haven’t gotten that roll of film developed yet. I don’t know if I will. I don’t ever want to see those images again. I don’t know why I even took them in the first place. All I want to do is forget that it happened. Why can’t I forget? Why can’t I just go on with my life like before? Will I feel like this forever?" Jacob didn’t know what to say, so he remained quiet. Maria continued, "When I saw that picture, I thought that he was haunting me. It’s like, every time I close my eyes since that day, I always see his face. Then, to see it right there on the newsstand looking back at me…I got a feeling that’s indescribable. I don’t know why I bought the paper. I guess I want to make myself crazy…or crazier than I already am. It hurts, Jacob. It hurts to live knowing that so many people died. I was there, too. Why was I spared?" She now looked at Jacob for an answer. He shook his head.

"I don’t know. God has a plan for all of us and He knew that it wasn’t your time yet," he said.

"Those people who died? It wasn’t their time yet either, though. Children died in those planes. You can’t tell me that God wants innocent children to die so horribly. Where was He? Why couldn’t He prevent this from happening? He let the devil win! How can I pray to a God who would let the devil win?" Maria asked angrily.

"I wish I had an answer for you, but I don’t. I don’t know, Maria. Bad things happen and even God can’t stop all of them. There’s evil in this world, but there’s also good. We just have to have faith that peace and love overcomes all the evil and evil people," Jacob told her. Maria swallowed hard.

"I don’t understand," she said, burying her head in her hands. "All I know is that Officer Lansing died while saving my life. It’s my fault that he’s dead." Jacob frowned.

"He was a cop. It was his job to protect you. He died doing his job," he told her. "If you’re blaming yourself for that, then I have to blame myself that you were even there." Now Maria looked at him and frowned.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"You were there because I invited you to see the concert. You wouldn’t be going through what you’re going through if it hadn’t been for me," Jacob said.

"Jacob, that’s not true. You didn’t tell me to go and take pictures at the World Trade Center that day," Maria told him, shaking her head. She sighed, "I don’t know what to do. All I know is that I don’t want to feel like this anymore. It hurts and I don’t know how to stop the hurting." Maria put her head down. She was mentally and physically exhausted. Jacob picked up his guitar.

"You once told me that you like Michael W. Smith. I want to play something of his for you," he said. Maria kept her head down as Jacob started to play. He then began to sing: "When you feel the sunlight/ Fade into the cold night/ Don’t know where to turn/ I don’t know where to turn/ And all the dreams you’re dreaming/ Seem to lose their meaning/ Let me in your world/ Baby, let me in your world/ All you need is someone you can hold/ Don’t be sad, you’re not alone/ I will be here for you/ Somewhere in the night/ Somewhere in the night/ I’ll shine a light for you/ Somewhere in the night/ I’ll be standing by/ I will be here for you/ In this world of strangers/ Of cold and friendly faces/ Someone you can trust/ Oh, there’s someone you can trust/ I will be your shelter/ I’ll give you my shoulder/ Just reach out for my love/ Reach out for my love/ Call my name and my heart will hear/ I will be there, there’s nothing to fear/ I will be here for you/ Somewhere in the night/ Somewhere in the night/ I’ll shine a light for you/ Somewhere in the night/ I’ll be standing by/ I will be here for you/ I will be here for…you" (I Will Be Here For You written by Michael W. Smith/Diane Warren)

Maria looked up when he was done and Jacob noticed that she had tears flowing freely down her face. She was trying hard not to lose control, but he could see that she couldn’t do it. Jacob put his guitar down and reached for her. With an anguished cry, Maria fell into his embrace, sobbing uncontrollably. Jacob held her tightly, tears sliding down his face as well. "It’s okay. I’m here," he said softly. "You’re so brave, Maria. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I wish I could make it all go away, but I can’t. If I could take away all of your pain, I would do it. Believe me, I would." Maria continued to cry. Weeks of unshed tears soaked into Jacob’s tee shirt. He pulled her onto his lap and held her to him while she cried. This is what she needed. To let out all of her pain and anger at what had happened. Keeping it in had been a mistake. Jacob knew that it wouldn’t make the pain totally go away, but it was a start.

An agonizing ten minutes later, Maria had quieted down. She had exhausted herself and now cried softly. "I…can’t…I can’t stop," she said. "It hurts so much." Jacob kissed her cheek, tasting her salty tears.

"I know it does, but it will get better. The pain might not go away right away, but it will get easier eventually," he said.

"How do you know?" Maria asked, wiping her eyes.

"I don’t. You just have to trust me," Jacob said, giving her a small smile.

"I do trust you. Thank you for being here," she said, fresh tears falling from her eyes. "This can’t be good for your back," Maria said, getting off of his lap and standing up. "Will you stay with me?" she asked as she pulled him to the bed. Jacob nodded and lay down on the bed. Maria lay next to him, facing him and he wrapped his arms around her. "I almost died twice," she said softly. Jacob frowned. Maria nodded. "Yeah, the one time when Officer Lansing pushed me out of the way and another time when Tower 1 collapsed. I was too close to the site and this fireman…his name was Ray; he protected me from the collapse. That didn’t affect me as much as what I saw, though. It was so horrible." She shivered and Jacob tightened his arms around her.

"You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to," he said.

"I want to do what I can to make it go away. Whenever I close my eyes, I see it all over again. It’s like a movie that keeps rewinding and replaying in my mind. I feel like I’m being tortured by my own memories," Maria told him. She started to cry again and Jacob pulled her against him.

"It won’t just go away like that. Like I said, I wish I could take away all of your pain, but I can’t. Would you consider seeing someone? Talking to someone who understands what you’re going through and who knows how to help you?" he asked carefully. Maria backed away, looking at him.

"You mean a professional? A psychiatrist?" she asked. He nodded.

"Or a counselor…someone who can help you. It doesn’t mean that you’re sick or crazy," Jacob said, holding her head in his hands so that she’d look at him. "It just means that you need someone to talk to about what you’re feeling." Tears fell from Maria’s eyes as she looked at him. She nodded.

"I want to yell at you and tell you to go to hell, but you’re right. I know in my heart that you’re right," she said. "I can’t live like this. I feel like I’m going crazy and I don’t want to feel like this anymore." Jacob smiled.

"I like you kinda crazy," he said. Maria laughed, but ended up sobbing again. Jacob held her close.

"Why am I crying? I never cry," she said against his chest.

"Why not? You know, I’ve always wondered about that. You always get mad instead of cry. There have been times when I thought that you would, but you never did," Jacob said. Maria leaned back and looked at him.

"My Mom said that crying is for weaklings. Crying is a sign that you’re weak and you can’t handle things strongly like you’re supposed to."

"She thinks that holding everything in is better?" Jacob asked, frowning.

"Yeah. Whenever I feel like crying, I think about why I want to cry and make myself get angry instead. Like with Geoff. When I first heard that he had cheated on me, I wanted to cry, but I got angry instead. I turned the hurt into anger, which doesn’t sound like a better solution, but it’s not crying," she said with a small laugh. "Now, though, what I saw…if I don’t cry for those people, then I’m inhuman. I’m angry, but it’s just so sad. Only a monster with no emotions wouldn’t cry about it. Plus, you played that song for me. That’s the only song that’s ever made me cry. Ever. I don’t know what it is, but every time I listened to that song, I’d cry. I was in middle school when I got the CD, so it must’ve been my hormones. I’d be in the privacy of my room, of course, but it never failed to bring out the tears. I stopped listening to it when my mom told me that crying was ‘wrong.’"

"It wasn’t my intention to make you cry. I just want you to know that you’re not alone. You have friends and family who are here for you. Even if you have been somewhat moody lately," Jacob said with a slight smirk. Maria settled closer to him.

"I’m sorry. I never meant to push you away."

"Don’t you dare apologize. I’m sorry that I didn’t help you sooner. I should’ve done something before now, but I didn’t want to push you to talk about anything that you weren’t ready to talk about," Jacob told her.

"I don’t blame you. I probably would’ve gotten mad at you anyway," Maria said. Jacob laughed.

"Probably," he said. Maria looked into his blue eyes. She ran a finger over his dimple that was showing.

"Thank you for what you’ve done for me. I don’t deserve you," she said, tears sliding down her cheeks once again. She closed her eyes.

Jacob turned over and pulled Maria with him so that she was settled comfortably against him. Her breathing eventually became deep and steady. Jacob kissed her forehead. "I love you," he whispered, closing his eyes. Maria’s eyes opened, but she didn’t say anything or let him know that she had heard him. She closed her eyes again and listened to the beating of Jacob’s heart. It eventually put her to sleep.

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