Questing Spirit: Humor

Always leave them laughing...or at least wondering what you meant

Humor

BUMPER STICKERS

Horn broken. Watch for finger

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still a moron

All generalizations are false

Cover me. I'm changing lanes

I brake for no apparant reason

Learn from your parents' mistakes...use birth control.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Forget the joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.

Born free...Taxed to death.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Rehab is for quitters.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep

Very funny Scottie...Now beam down my clothes.

All men are idiots, and I married their king.

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician

Work is for people who don't know how to fish

Montana-At least our cows are sane!!

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

If animals weren't meant to be eaten, why were they made of meat?

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition

If you don't like the news go out and make some

When you do a good deed, get a receipt...in case heaven is like the IRS.

Sorry, I don't date outside of my species.

No radio...already stolen.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Real women don't have hot flashes. They have power surges.

I took an IQ test, and it came out negative.

where there's a will, I want to be in it.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Few women look their age. Fewer men act it

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

We need more chlorine in the gene pool.

Stupid people shouldn't breed.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

Tell me to "stuff it"...I'm a taxidermist.

IRS...We've got what it takes to take what you've got

Time is the best teacher: Unfortunately, it kills all its students.

It's lonely at the top, but at least you eat better.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Warning: Dates in calender are closer than they appear

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will just make a better idiot.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

i souport publik edekasun.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

There are 3 kinds of people...those who can count, and those who can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Ever stop to think and forget to start again??

Keep honking...I'm reloading

Caution: I drive like you do

My other car is a broom.

I believe in dragons, unicorns, good men, and other fantasy creatures

I have the body of a god: Buddha

WASP...We Are Sexy Pagans

Starclad dancing to the drums, Something Wiccan this way comes...

Kali in '96- Why vote for the lesser evil?

It's tough working in a group when you're omnipotent!

So Many Christians, So Few Lions!

The Goddess is alive and She ate my homework

Jesus Saves! Gretsky Gets The Puck! He Shoots!! He Scores!!!

Laugh Now, But One Day We'll Be In Charge!

Goddess great, Goddess good, Let us thank HER for our food!

GOD-3,000BC GODDESS-10,000BC He was made in HER image

It's FREEDOM of religion, stupid

WASP: White Anglo-Saxon PAGAN!

Ignorance is bliss PRAISE THE LORD!

I can't wait for the Rapture, Then we'll have the world to ourselves

In case of Rapture, have a designated sinner

A religion without a Goddess is halfway to atheism!

Born Again? My Goddess got it right the first time!

Goddess protect me from anyone with honorable intentions.

I believe in God ... the Goddess told me to humor Him.

The Goddess Loves You! Just don't push it 'til She's had Her coffee!

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself!

I is a college student

We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passangers in his car...

I may be fat, but you're ugly-and I can lose weight

Anything that bleeds for five days and does not die MUST be feared

Duct tape is like the Force: it has a light side, a dark side and it binds th Universe together

If the Universe is expanding, why the hell can't I find a parking space?

They got the library at Alexandria, they aren't going to get mine!

So many pedestians, so little time

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TWELVE EXERCISES THAT NOBODY NEEDS

Jumping to conclusions

Running around in circles

Wading through paperwork

Pushing your luck

Passing the buck

Throwing your weight around

Jumping on the bandwagon

Spinning your wheels

Dragging your heels

Adding fuel to the fire

Climbing the walls

Grasping at straws

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KILL A TREE(sung to Jingle Bells)

Dashing to the mall, in a fleet of rented trucks

a million hairless apes are out to spend some plastic bucks

It's Christmas time again-or-maybe WWIII-

and to keep their spirits happy now, they've got to kill a tree!

CHORUS:OH..Kill a tree, kill a tree, kill a tree for Christ

(Jolly old Saint Nicholas, accept this sacrifice)

Kill a tree, kill a tree, kill a tree for Christ

Not sure what we're doing, but it seems to work out nice!

We know we each deserve, a ton or two of crap

but to keep the goodies coming now, we've got to spill some sap

and string electric lights, and raise the ritual star

and bribe our friends and families to forget what jerks we are!!

CHORUSAnd kill a tree...(etc.)

We always kill a tree. That's always been enough

for videos and GI Joes, and all that kiddy stuff!!

But Mommy wants a Harley and Daddy wants a boat

that's prob'ly gonna cost at least a chicken and a goat.

But kill a tree...(etc.)

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QUIPS...

Definition of "Saint"...a dead liberal who is worshiped by living conservatives.

If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo

Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh

Jesus is coming!!! Look busy!!

God, please save me from your followers

Jesus saves!! by using double coupons and spending wisely

I just remembered...You're boring and my legs work

I'm pro-choice and I shoot back

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice Doggie!"...till you can find a rock

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MEN'S 43 RULES FOR WOMEN

1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.

2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.

3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.

4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.

5. Shopping is not fascinating.

6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.

7. Unless the answer is yes.

8. In which case, can he videotape it?

9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking buttholes.

10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.

11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.

12. Money does not equate to love. Not even in Nevada.

13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble(i.e.:microwaving a burrito, fixing spaghetti, etc.) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.

14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.

15. He heard you the first time.

16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too...Let's spread the rejection around a little.

17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.

18. OF COURSE he wants another beer.

19. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.

20. Dogs good. Cats bad.

21. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.

22. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through "Showgirls".

23. "Fine." is not an acceptable way to end an argument.

24. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.

25. He was NOT looking at that other girl.

26. Well, okay...maybe a little.

27. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you've never looked at another guy...

28. There is nothing inherently wrong with the word "c***".

29. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever been with.

30. And all your friends think so too.

31. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look good. Stop asking.

32. If you wsnt a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.

33. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.

34. Remember, that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.

35. Two words. Blow Job. Learn it. Live it. Love it.

36. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.

37. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any one of these people, love the one you are with.

38. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the granddaddy of them all.

39. His(fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.

40. Don't hog all the covers.

41. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until half-time to act upon that.

42. He does not just want to be friends.

43. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: "You know, who don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?

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Male Classes

Once again the female staff will be offering courses to men of all maritial status. Class size is limited to 10 as course material may prove difficult.

1. Combatting stupidity

2. You too can do housework

3. P.M.S.-Learning when to keep your mouth shut

4. How to fill the icetray

5. We do not want sleazy underthings for christmas-give us $

6. Understanding the female response to you coming in drunk at 4 in the morning

7. Wonderful laundry techniques-(formally called: Don't wash my silks)

8. Parenting-No it doesn't end with conception

9. Get a life-learn to cook

10. How not to act like an asshole when you are obviously wrong

11. Spelling-even you can get it right

12. Understanding your financial incompetence

13. You-the weaker sex

14. Reasons to give flowers

15. How to stay awake after sex

16. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom

17. Garbage-getting it to the curb

18. Sex 101-You can fall asleep without it, if you really try. Sex 102- The Morning dilema-if it is "Awake"...Take a shower

19. The weekend and sports are not synonymous

20. How to put the toilet seat down

21. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost

22. The remote control-overcoming your dependancy

23. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes

24. How not to act younger than your children

25. You too can be a designated driver

26. Honest, you don't look like Mel Gibson-especially when naked

27. Changing your undewear-it really works

28. The attainable goal-omitting #%$@ from your vocabulary

29. Fluffing the blankets after farting is not necessary

30. Real men ask directions

Please register immediately as courses are limited in size.

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A Womens Little Instruction Book

1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you are aiming too high.

2. Women don't make fools of men--most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: You're sick of him.

4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

5. A women's work that is never done, is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

.6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one--they try harder

7. Go for younger men. You might as well--they never mature anyway.

8. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men--"don't" and "stop" (but not used together)

9. Men are all the same--they just have different faces so you can tell them apart

10. Definition of a man with manners--he gets out of the bath to pee.

11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.

12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men--a woman

13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men--strong, caring, loving--they'd be wrong but you could still use them!

14. Men are like animals--messy, insensitive and potentially violent--but they make great pets

15. Mens brains are like the prison system--not enough cells per man.

16. Husbands are like children--they're fine if they're someone else's.

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God's Total quality Management Questionaire

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

1. How did you find out about God?___Newspaper__Television__Divine Inspiration__Word of Mouth__Near Death Experience__Bible__Torah__Other (Please Specify):_______

2. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.__Tarot__Lottery__Horoscope__Television__Fourtune Cookies__Ann Landers__Self-help Books__Sex__Biorythms__Alcohol or Drugs__Mantras__Insurance Policies__Other:_____________None

3. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer? (Circle One) a. More Divine Intervention b. Less Divine Intervention c. Current level of Divine intervention is just right d. I don't know

4. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1-5 his handeling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent): a. Disasters(flood, famine, earthquake, war) 1 2 3 4 5

b. Miracles (rescues, spontaneous remission of disease, sports upsets)1 2 3 4 5

5. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attatch an addtional sheet if necessary):_________________________________________

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The Men's Guide to What a Woman Really Means When She Says:

It's your decision=The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want=You'll pay for this later

We need to talk=I need to complain

I'm not upset=Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly=You need to shave and you sweat a lot

Be romantic, turn out the lights=I have flabby thighs

I need wedding shoes=The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

This kitchen is so inconvient=I want a new house

Hand the picture there=NO, I mean hang it THERE!

I heard a noise=I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me=I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me?=I did something today you're really not going to like

I'll be ready in a minute=Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

Is my butt fat?=Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate=Just agree with me

Are you listening to me!?=Too late, you're dead

Do you like this recipe?=It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

I'm not yelling!=Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

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The Woman's Guide to What a Man Really Means When He Says:

I'm hungry=I'm hungry

I'm sleepy=I'm sleepy

I'm tired=I'm tired

Do you want to go to a movie?=I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner=I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime?=I'd eventually like to have sex with you

May I have this dance?=I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Nice dress!=Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage=I want to fondle you

What's wrong?=What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

What's wrong?=I guess sex is out of the question

I'm bored=I want to have sex

I love you=Let's have sex now

I love you too=There, I said it. Let's have sex

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair=I liked it better before

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair=$50 and it doesn't look much different

Let's talk=I am trying to impress you by showing what a deep person I am and then maybe you'd like to have sex with me

Will you marry me?=I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

I don't think that blouse and skirt go together=I am gay

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What Girls say and What They Mean

Can't we just be friends?=There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again

I just need some space=...without you in it

Can you help me with my homework?=If I keep whining, the fool will do it for me

Do I look fat in this dress?=We haven't had a fight in a while

I just do not want a boyfriend now=I just do not want you as a boyfriend

I don't know, what do you want to do?=I can't believe you don't have anything planned

Come here=My puppy does this too

You never listen=You never listen

I like you but...=I don't like you

We're moving too quickly=I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy in bio has a girlfriend

I'll be ready in a minute=I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will

Oh, no. I will pay for myself=I am just being nice, there is no way in Hell I am going dutch

Oh Yes! Right there!=Well, near there. I just want to get this over with

I'm going out with the girls=We are gonna get sloshed and make fun of you and your friends

There's no one else=I'm sleeping with your brother

Size doesn't count=unless I want an orgasm

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Materials Safety Data Sheet: Women- A Chemical Analysis

Element: Women

Symbol: WO

Discoverer: Adam

Atomic Mass: Accepted at 53.6Kg, but known to vary from 40-200Kg

Occurances: Abundant quantities in all areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES

1. Surface usually covered in painted film

2. Boils at nothing, freezes without known reason

3. Melts if given special treatment

4. Bitter if used incorrectly

5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore

6. Yields if pressure is applied in correct places

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES

1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious gems

2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances

3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason

4. Insouluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol

5. Most powerful money reducer known to man.

COMMON USES

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars

2. Very effective cleaning agents

TESTS

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state

2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen

HAZARDS

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands

2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come in direct contact with each other

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Barbie's Letter to Santa

Dear Santa:

Listen up you fat, little troll. I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea rooms one too many tea parties; and I hate to break it to ya, Santa, but, It's definitely PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some chagnes around here this Christmas, or, I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it!). So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man. Maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done!

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it! How about a systems analyist? Or better yet, an advertising account executive!

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie" complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie," with my very own pain gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl!

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years -- I think I deserve it!

OK, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple!

Yours truly,

Barbie

To flip through the pages of my BOS faster...

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Brightest of Blessings