AD&D humour

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I found a collection of hilarious AD&D humour in an old Dragon mag of my dad's. The mag is from April, 1980. Enjoy!

"Meeting Demogorgon"
Imagine this: You are on an adventure in the wilderness, everybody in the party is feeling mellow and you've had a good adventure, your pockets are crammed with gems and gold, and you're enjoying the sunshine and warm breezes.
You happen to be joking around and you carelessly mention the name of a greater daemon, and everyone gives you the eye but nothing seems to happen so you relax again.
Your party walks around the bend in the road and THERE HE IS, out of *nowhere*, complete with tentacles and chicken-feet and everything, all eighteen terrifying feet of him, standing as far away from you as the screen your reading now. In a loud, deep, Doomsday roar he thunders, "WHO CALLS UPON DEMOGORGON, PRINCE OF DAEMONS, RULER OF THE ABYSSAL, THE INVINCIBLE HORROR?!"
What do you do next?
1. Say, "Whoops!"
2. Point to someone else in the party and say, "He did it!"
3. Spit in one of his eyes (Paladins only, of course).
4. Draw your sword and fall upon it. (Non-clerics only; clerics can bash their heads in with their mace.)
5. Ask directions to the nearest lawful good Cleric or temple.
6. Cup your hand to your ear and say, "Eh?"
7. Pretend he's not there.
8. Act surprised and say, "What? You mean me?"
9. Make a joke about his mother: "I heard she was a Red Cross volunteer and passed out cookies to Paladins' children." (There is a 5% chance he will be impressed with your courage and will only maim you. Otherwise...)
10. Snarl and say, "*I* did. What's it to ya?"
11. Grin and say, "*I* did, 'cause I'm a wild and craaaaazy guy!"
12. Climb the nearest tree. (Note: this only delays the inevitable.)
13. Ask him for a present.
14. Convert to his religion immediately.
15. Try to convert *him* ("Hey, wanna be lawful good?")
16. Faint.
17. Pretend to faint.
18. Attempt to summon a lawful good god; the cry may be shortened to, "Good god!"
19. Offer up one of your companions as an involutary sacrifice (Warning: The group may already be considering *you* for this honour).
20. Fake amnesia: "Did *I* do that? Wow, I can't remember..."
21. Pull pin on your Holy (Nuclear) Hand Grenade and release.
22. Run like hell (has same drawback as climbing a tree).
23. Call the Strategic Air Command on that weird artifact of yours and request an air strike.
24. Sink into the ground.
25. Apologize for the mistake and ask him to leave.
26. Go berserk and bite him on the ankle (good option for hobbits, halflings and gnomes).
27. Decide this is a nightmare and try to wake yourself up.
28. Try to knock him down and step on his throat (if you happen to be into street-fighting).
29. Assume standard nuclear attack defensive position and kiss your butt goodbye.
30. Do all the above at once.
This table may be used to determine random reactions of henchmen and hirelings in situations such as this, if the DM so desires. In usual game situations of this sort, everyone says, "Oh, shoot!" and either they go nuts and attempt to attack him or they go to one of the above options. Either way, it's still a sure ticket on the Grim Reaper Special, so watch what you say.

"Bazaar of the Ordinary"
Shoes of Walking-
These objects, when placed upon the feet of their owner, will enable that character to walk through a chilly dungeon without catching cold. These items may be found in the bottoms of closets, in the middle of living-room floors, and on the feet of other characters. There is a 10% chance that a closet with shoes will contain a shoe tree bearing from 7-12 pairs of shoes. Once picked, the tree will not sprout new shoes.

Web of Cob-
An artifact found in virtually every corner and crevice of even the best-kept dungeon. It will generally go unnoticed by character sunless an especially large web is blocking a door or window and must be cleared away. Those with a wisdom of 6 or better will have the sense to poke at the web with a stick or pole, wrapping it up cotton-candy style. Anyone who's a real jerk will do the same with his bare hands. In such cases, there is a 20% chance that the Cob which spun the web will still be around. The angry Cob will hide its microscopic body on the victim and inflict the Curse of Pigpen, which causes the character to exude an aura of dirt and dust and lowers his Charisma to 3 until he touches another Cob web- at which time the Cob will scurry to its new home.

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