chapter nine
I woke up with sharp pain in my side, as an aura of sickness washed over me.
"Unnrggghh," I groaned as I rolled over, hitting Brian lying next to me.
He drowsily sat up and looked at me with concern.
"Jen, sweetie, what’s wrong?"
"I feel so sick, I don’t know why I feel..."
I stopped mid-sentence as it hit me.... morning sickness. I buried my face in my hands.
"..Oh God no," I mumbled incoherently.
Bri put his arm around me. "Jen - are you okay?"
"Bri - can you take me to a store?"
"I guess so - now? Why?" He looked very confused.
"I can’t explain now....I just need to get something."
"Whatever you say."
We quickly put our clothes on and I pulled my hair back into a sloppy ponytail. He walked over the table and grabbed his keys.
"You ready?"
"Yeah," I answered him.
As we drove in the car I noticed him keep looking over at me. I managed a faint smile and he smiled back. We pulled up in the parking lot, and I quickly jumped out. My legs felt faint underneath me but I forced them to move. Brian walked in after me, and I was already going through the aisles looking for it. I finally spotted what I was looking for, and picked up the box, my hands trembling so hard I could barely hold it. I looked up and saw Brian looking at me.
"Jen....why do you need a pregnancy test?," he asked, already knowing the answer.
I closed my eyes and tried to force myself not to cry. I looked back up at him, blinking back tears.
"Oh my God, Jen...."
He came to me, still shaking, and wrapped his arms around me.
"It might be negative....", I said, hoping it was.
"Don’t worry baby...either way.....You go on out to the car, I’ll pay for this, okay?"
I sniffed and nodded, and he gently kissed my cheek as I went outside. He came out a few minutes later with a small bag in his hand. We drove home in silence until he turned to me.
"Jen, everything’s going to be alright."
"I hope so Bri, I hope so."
He pulled up in his drive, and we went in upstairs to his bedroom. I slowly took the test out of the bag and started to walk into his bathroom.
"Jen.." he called to me.
I went to him and let him put his hands on my waist. He closed his eyes and gently kissed me on the forehead.
"......remember I’m always going to support you, no matter what, okay?"
I nodded and half-way smiled as I went into the bathroom. I fumbled with the box, trying to get it open, until it finally fell out onto the floor. I followed the directions, and leant my head up against the wall.
*Oh god, please don’t let it be positive, please don’t let it be positive..*
After three minutes, I opened my eyes - scared to know the truth. I forced myself to look down on the counter and my worst nightmares were confirmed. I painfully closed my eyes, and shook my head.
*This cannot be happening to me....I’m 18....why God? WHY?*
I reluctantly opened the bathroom door and Brian was there , sitting on the bed, his head in his hands. He looked up at me and the look on my face said it all. A tear spilled over onto my cheek.
"Oh Jen....",he said.
He stood up and I held him so tight, my face buried deep into his chest.
"Bri, why me? Why does this have to happen to me? There’s no way I can.."
"Shhhh...calm down... how did this happen in the first place? I’m assuming it’s AJ’s..."
I nodded. "When AJ and I made love...we forgot to use a condom. I never thought any of this could happen to me.."
He ran his fingers through my hair and pressed my head against his chest. "No one ever does."
We just stood there for the longest time, he held me in his arms as I cried my eyes out, wondering what I was going to do. Finally, the silence was broken by the doorbell . He slowly pulled away from me,
"I’m going to answer it , okay?"
I reluctantly nodded and he gave me a quick kiss before he rushed down to get it. I looked out the window and saw AJ’s car in the drive.
*Oh my god....why is he here? and why is this happening to me? What am I going to do? How am I going to tell AJ? How CAN I tell him?*
My thoughts were interrupted when I heard AJ’s voice downstairs. I slowly opened the door and stood on the steps so I could hear what they were saying.
"Is she here?" AJ demanded to know.
"Yeah - she’s here, but I don’t think she wants to see you right now.
"Dammit! She was here last night wasn’t she?"
"Yeah...and?"
"YOU SCREWED HER DIDN’T YOU? DON’T LIE TO ME, BRIAN!"
"Man, I swear to you, nothing happened. She was upset, and I comforted her, that’s all."
"Like all those other times, huh? I can’t believe you would steal my girl, bro....you know I loved her...I still do."
My heart wrenched hearing him say those words.
"Well obviously you didn’t last night."
"HELL.... IF YOU SAW YOUR GIRL WITH YOUR FRIEND YOU’D BE PISSED TOO!"
"YEAH - BUT I WOULD NEVER EVER LAY A FINGER ON HER! AJ , YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO HIT HER. SHE’S SCARED OF YOU NOW....AND I’M BEGINNING TO THINK SHE HAS A RIGHT TO."
I had never heard Brian get that angry before - it scared me hearing him and AJ yelling.
"Brian .... you know I love her. I do. I was drunk."
"And that’s what you’re going to tell her? You’ve broken her trust."
"Does she still love me? Has she said anything?....or has she fallen in love with you?"
There was a moment of silence and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I nervously walked down the stairs , and AJ looked up when he heard me. He saw my eyes swollen and red from crying, and he moved to come over to me.
"AJ...just stay there...please...."
I went down and sat next to Brian. We all looked at each other, not quite sure of where to start. Finally AJ spoke up,
"Brian, can Jen and I be alone?.....don’t worry, I’m not going to hurt her."
Brian looked at me with quizzical eyes.
"Go ahead Bri, I’ll be fine."
He reluctantly walked outside onto the deck and shut the door. I looked up at AJ, and saw him staring intensely at me.
"Jen...first of all......I’m sorry I hit you - I never should have let myself get that out of control. I hope you aren’t afraid of me now , it will never happen again. You have to believe me."
I looked down at my shoes, wishing this conversation wasn’t taking place. He moved closer to me and tried to hold my hands, but I pulled them away.
"I love you so much, Jen..... you’re the only thing important to me right now. Don’t tell me you don’t love me back, because that’s not the truth - I know you."
I took a deep breath.
"You think you know me? You think you know how I feel? YOU THINK YOU KNOW HOW YOU HURT ME?"
"Baby....I know."
"No AJ, you don’t.....otherwise it never would have happened."
"Well if you hadn’t cheated on me with Brian , then we wouldn’t have had that argument!"
"I kissed him twice - quit blowing this out of proportion! And why do you think I was going to tell you about it? Huh? It was because I loved you and I couldn’t stand hiding this behind your back, are you too blind to see that?"
He took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes. I could see tears starting to form, and it made me want to cry even more.
"Jen.I love you. You know that. You know I would never do anything to hurt you..I’m just trying to figure out where we went wrong."
"AJ - WE never went wrong.I went wrong, then because of me you did too. Do you think just because I kissed Brian that I stopped loving you? You said you know me."
"I know....I just didn’t want to lose you - I DON’T want to lose you now. What’s going on between you and Brian? Do you love him?"
"Brian is a great guy, I care about him a lot, and I know he feels the same way about me."
"Do you LOVE him?"
"....I don’t know yet - but I can’t deny my heart the chance to find out."
"What are you saying?"
I took a deep breath. "I’m saying that right now, I need to be with Brian."
There. I had made my choice. But was it the right one? I saw a tear drop down his cheek.
"I thought you loved me."
"AJ, look at me. I do love you, and as much as it hurts me , I have to do what my heart is telling me to."
He stared at me through all his tears, and it only made me cry more. I had never seen him in this much pain before. I saw him swallow hard and run what I had just said throught his mind.
"Jen, if that’s the way you feel, I can’t change that. It hurts me more than anything to let you go....but do me a favor - Never forget everything that we’ve been through - the love that made us so happy - that night we spent together...."
I cringed. Why did he have to bring that up? It would only make it harder for me to tell him when the time came.
"....and just remember, I’m not giving up on you... you have my heart and I’m always going to love you, even if you don’t love me."
*Why is he making this so hard?*
We both stood up and I allowed him to hold me. I leant up and whispered in his ear, "AJ, I do love you - I just can’t be with you right now."
He clung onto me tight, scared this was the last time he would ever hold me in his arms. I cried into his shirt, just like I had done when we first met. We slowly pulled apart, and he looked at me with such hurt in his eyes.
"One last kiss?," he quietly asked.
I nodded and kissed his tender lips, deeper than ever before. When we broke away, he bent in towards me.
"..and that’s one of the reasons I’m never giving up on us," he whispered in my ear.
I went and knocked on the glass at Brian. Startled, he looked up at me, and I motioned for him to come in. He opened the door and stepped in, nervous about what had been said. I faintly smiled at him.
"I told him I wanted to be with you," I whispered to him.
We both walked back into the living room, where AJ was getting ready to leave. AJ walked over to Brian and held out his hand.
"Sorry I yelled at you, we still friends, bro?"
Brian smiled, "Of course, Bone."
They both gave each other a ‘bro’ hug, and AJ started to walk out the door, when he turned back around.
"B-Rok - you’ve got one special lady there.... never forget how lucky you are to have her, cause you’ll miss her like hell if she leaves."
AJ smiled, "... I really hope she makes you as happy as she made me, bro."
"Thanks," Brian told him as he walked out the door.
After AJ had left, Brian came and sat down next to me. He took my hand in his and ran his thumb across my knuckles.
"Jen , are you sure you made the right choice? I thought you loved AJ..."
I leaned my head against his body and placed my hand on his chest.
"Bri - I want to be with you, I’ve told you that. You’re so sweet...and wonderful.. and cute... and you have that charming little accent which I adore.... all these qualities AJ doesn’t."
He finally gave me the warm smile that attracted me to him, a smile of happiness, love, and caring. I brushed my fingers through the curls in his hair as I stared deep into his eyes.
"Did you tell AJ?," he asked, breaking the silence.
"Oh Bri, how could I? I don’t know what I’m going to do.There’s no way I can tell him."
"You have to tell him, you can’t keep something like this hidden."
I shook my head, "He’ll freak - you know it."
"Well....you could get an abortion, that way only you and I would be the only ones who ever knew about the baby."
"I can’t do that....it’s not moral."
"What about adoption?"
"Oh , I don’t know....but you’re right....I have to tell him...I have no choice."
He put his arms around my waist from behind.
"Everything’s going to be okay, I promise you....and if it’s not, I’ll do everything in my power to make sure it will be."
I looked up at him with a grin on my face, " I think I’m falling in love with you, Brian Littrell."
He gently kissed my neck, whispering, "I think I’m already there."
He continued to softly kiss my neck and moved down onto my bare shoulder which his sweatshirt was hanging off of. I slowly turned around to face him, and he smiled once again.
"You don’t know how good it feels to finally be able to kiss you without feeling guilty."
"I think I do," I said with a flirtasious smile.
He placed his hand on my chin and drew my lips in for a kiss. I fell back onto the couch and pulled him on top of me, leaving him with a look of surprise. I stifled my laugh with a smile. He looked at me,
"What?"
Shaking my head, I smiled again and he shrugged his shoulders and bent in and kissed me like he never had before. This was a more intense kiss, one with more feeling - one that I liked! We lay there on the couch, making out for a few minutes until I could feel him getting hard inside his pants. He slowly pulled away and got up off of me, and I could see his cheeks tinted with red.
"It’s okay Bri....I was pretty turned on myself."
"I don’t know what came over me, I hope you don’t think that’s all I want you...."
"Bri, I know you’re a sweetheart and a true gentleman - you don’t have to worry about me thinking the wrong thing.I know you have good intentions."
I slid my hand through his and smiled.
"So, what do you want to do today? Do you want me to drive you home so you can change and stuff?", he asked
"Yeah - That would be good , I’m feeling pretty gross not taking a shower."
"Me too - do you want to go now?"
"Tryin’ to kick me out?"
"Yep - I want you out of my house NOW, woman!"
"Okay - just let me run back upstairs to get my stuff from your room."
I climbed up the stairs and glanced around, looking for everything I had laid down before. I heard footsteps behind me and I assumed it was his.
"Miss me already Bri?"
"Yeah - it’s fatal attraction."
He ran up behind me and jumped on top of me, making me laugh.
"Actually I just needed to change shirts."
As I continued to gather my things , I saw him take his shirt off. I couldn’t resist whistling at him - he looked so hot.
"Whoo-hoo Brian!"
He flashed me a huge Jim Carrey grin and flexed his muscles.
"You are such a nut," I teased him.
He came over to me, took my hand, and we both walked outside to his car. He went over to the passenger’s side and opened my door for me. Smiling, I climbed in and he went around and sat next to me in the driver’s seat.
"Do you have everything?," he asked me.
"Yeah - I think so. I’ll give your sweatshirt and shorts back after I wash them, okay?"
"There’s no hurry."
He popped the keys in the ignition and we pulled out of his driveway and onto the freeway. After a few moments of silence, Brian spoke up.
"So what did you and AJ say to each other? I mean, you don’t have to tell me if you want, I just....."
"It’s okay, Bri.... well, he apologized for what happened and he told me he still loved me. I told him I still cared for him, but my heart was telling me it was you, and that I need to be with you. And I do."
He smiled faintly.
"I know how you feel about me, Bri , and I know that you still have doubts running through your mind because you’re afraid of being hurt....but just open up your heart to me....I won’t let you down."
"Jen, I trust you. I really do. I know you and what kind of person you are....you would never hurt anyone on purpose, so I believe you when you tell me these things.....all my doubts are gone."
"I’m glad," I said, smiling.
We soon pulled up in my driveway. He stepped out with me as I went around back to retrieve my things from his trunk. He walked me up to my doorstep, and took my hands in his.
"Are you sure you’ll be all right?", he asked me.
"Yeah , I’ll be fine, thanks."
"Just call me if you need me, okay?"
"I will.....and thank you for last night and this morning. I don’t know what I would have done without you there to comfort me."
"Thank you for letting me."
He bent in and kissed me softly. I embraced him and he held me so tight, as if afraid to let go.
"I guess I’ll see ya later," I told him.
"Yeah....later."
I kissed him one more time before going into my house. As I shut the door, I smiled to myself, ignoring all nagging feelings for AJ and how to tell him everything. I walked into my kitchen and pressed play on the answering machine.
^BEEP!^ "Jen, it’s Danielle, call me......"