chapter one
"I THINK I LOVE YOU, NOW WHAT AM I SO AFRAID OF? I’M AFRAID THAT I’M NOT SURE OF A LOVE THERE IS NO CURE FOR…..I THINK I LOVE YOU…. AND THOUGH IT WORRIES ME TO SAY - I’VE NEVER FELT THIS WAY- I THINK I LOVE YOU!"
My best friend Danielle and were singing loudly as we were cruising down the highway en route to school in my silver convertible. I picked up the CD case as I was driving and looked at it.
"Oooh - Hits From the 70’s! You have got to be kidding! Where did you scrummage this one up at?"
She snatched it out of my hands and pressed it close to her.
"Hey! Are you dissing my taste in music?," she teased.
"Someone’s defensive! Actually……I was think of buying it for myself!," I teased back.
"Take this one," she said and threw it at me, "I found it in my brother’s closet."
I cringed.
"It probably has mold growing on it or something - no thanks."
We both smiled at each other and laughed. We continued bobbing our heads to the beat and singing loud when cars passed us, getting a wide variety of strange looks.
"Hey, Jen….how are you and Josh? You guys must be getting along pretty good after what happened at the party the other night…."
She raised her eyebrows and nudged me with her elbow. I raised my eyes and bit my lip as if in thought, finally breaking into a grin.
"Yeah, we have this new found ‘closeness’ if you know what I mean….!"
"Virgin ears!," she protested, covering her ears.
"Sorry hon, ain’t nothing about you virgin!"
"I wouldn’t be talking!"
"Look, we’re at school - end of conversation!"
I parked my car in a spot and we both grabbed our bags and climbed out. Up ahead we saw a few annoying girls from our clique heading our way. I leaned in to whisper to Danielle.
"Look out - Amanda, Nikki , and Lindsey at 3 o’clock ."
"Just be nice and smile at them….maybe they won’t follow us around."
As they walked by, they all shouted a chorus of hello’s.
"Hey girls," I responded with my best fake smile.
"Have you seen Lauren?," Amanda asked.
"Uh - yeah, I think I saw her back in the parking lot.," I lied.
"K! Check you later."
"Mmm-hmm."
As they walked away, Danielle and I gave each other a little high five for getting rid of them. We walked across the football field until we reached the commons. She grabbed my arm,
"Look - there’s Josh!"
I smiled and we both walked over towards him and his group of friends. I wrapped my arms around his waist,
"Hey Josh."
He smiled and kissed me on the lips.
"Hey baby. Listen, can I talk to you alone?"
"Sure…… see ya Danielle."
"Later."
We walked over underneath one of the big oak trees. He enclosed both of my hands in his and looked deeply into my eyes with his hazel ones.
"What’s up?," I carelessly asked.
He closed his eyes for a moment as if thinking about what to say.
"Josh, what’s wrong? Tell me."
He took a deep breath, "Jen , you know I love you more than anything in this whole world."
"I love you too."
"I know you do - and this is why it’s so hard for me to say this."
*Say what? This really doesn’t sound good….what is he trying to tell me?*
"I really don’t want to hurt you - because you know how much you mean to me, but I think…. it would be better off for us to try being friends for awhile - take a break from the relationship."
I stared at him in disbelief, wondering if this was some kind of cruel joke. "Josh, how could you do this to me?!", I yelled at him, my voice quivering, "After 9 months - all of a sudden you just want to be friends? - I thought you loved me". A tear ran down the side of my cheek.
"I do love you", he insisted, "But"-
"No you don’t" , I cut him off, "If you loved me, you wouldn’t be saying any of this".
"Jen…I"
"No Josh. Just stop. Just…just…. don’t ever talk to me again."
And with tears streaming down my face, I stormed off to find a place where I could be alone to cry.
*Where did it all go wrong?* , I thought to myself as I walked along the edge of the parking lot. *Just yesterday we were at that party and everything seemed to be fine. I just don’t underst-*
My thoughts were interrupted when I ran into something hard. Startled, I looked up and saw a guy standing there, a little surprised himself.
"I..I…I’m so sorry," I stammered, lowering my head.
He looked down at me though a pair of sunglasses.
"That’s all right - hey, are you okay?"
I nodded, staring at the ground, afraid for him to see my tears. He tipped up my chin with his index finger,
"You don’t look okay to me."
"Really - I’m fine," I insisted.
"Tell me the truth."
I was beginning to get a little impatient with this guy.
"I don’t even know you," I said and started to walk away.
He put his hand on my shoulder and pulled me back. *Who does this guy think he is?*
I turned around and he held his hand out to me.
" I’m AJ McLean, I transferred here from South Palm Beach, I’m an only child, I’m a Capricorn, and I really would like to know what is upsetting a lovely lady such as yourself so much."
I suspiciously reached out and shook his hand.
"I’m Jen," I said as I looked him over.
He was about 5’ 9, brown hair - and very handsome from what I could see through his sunglasses. He was dressed pretty slick in black clothes from head to toe, and was wearing numerous silver rings and silver bangles on his hands and fingers. He had a deep raspy voice that made me tingle when he talked. Through my tears I looked back up at him.
"My boyfriend just broke up with me."
He looked at me with a concerned look on his face.
"That’s too bad - I’m sorry".
I nodded "Yeah - me too."
"You look like you could use a hug", he commented.
I though about it for a minute - and finally thought, *yeah, sure, what the hell*. He wrapped his arms around me, and for some odd reason - I actually felt a little better. I buried my face in his shirt and let the tears stream down my face. I pulled away and noticed some of my tears had landed on his shirt.
"I-I-I’m sorry - your shirt".
He waved his hand at me , "Ah, don’t worry about it - it’ll dry".
At that moment, the bell sounded.
"I guess we better get to class", he said.
I shook my head. "Not me - there is no way I’m going to class today - I don’t think I can even stand to be in the same building as Josh right now".
He nodded, "You’re right - I think you’d probably flood the halls!".
I managed a faint smile, "ha ha".
"Mind if I skip with you?" he asked.
" I really think that I should be alone - besides, you wouldn’t want to drown would you?"
"I’m a good swimmer - and if you think that I am going to let you go cry your eyes out and worry yourself to death over him, you’re wrong."
*Boy , this guy just does not give up* .
I sighed, "And why should I trust you, a person I just met a few minutes ago?".
"Because I know it will make you feel a lot better to talk about it - and I’m a good listener!"
"OK, AJ McLean - if you really want to hear my sad story - it’s not up to me to stop you."
"Good", he said with a grin on his face, "Where do you want to go?". I led him over to my car.
"I don’t care - surprise me". I tossed him the keys.
"You’re actually gonna let me drive this kick ass car?".
I nodded and sat down in the car, "Knock yourself out".
He hopped into the driver’s side, put the keys in the ignition and drove away. I leaned my head on the side of the car and let the wind blow on my face. I heard him push play on a tape in my tape deck, and a slow smooth tune broke the silence. It was the tape of love songs Josh had made for me. I popped the tape out and tossed it out onto the pavement. He looked over at me, then realized it was probably better not to ask. I began to think about Josh again, and tears welled up in my eyes. *I miss him already. His gorgeous hazel eyes, the way he tossed his hair back, the way his eyes crinkled up when he smiled, the way...*
I felt a touch on my bare shoulder. "Jen, we’re here."
I opened my eyes and realized we were at the beach. I took a deep breath and inhaled the salty scent of the water. We both stepped out onto the sand and took our shoes off.
"I love the feeling of the sand between my toes, don’t you?" , he asked me.
I nodded, " Yeah."
We walked barefoot down to the edge of the water and sat down , the water lapping at our toes.
"So, what made you come here?" I asked.
He looked into my eyes. "I always come here when I need to clear my mind. It’s so calm and peaceful, I thought it would be a good place for us to talk".
"Well, it certainly is beautiful." I commented.
We sat there for a few minutes, staring at the water, until finally he took my hand. "So, now what is the whole story between you and this Josh guy?".
I took a deep breath. "It’s such a long story - I don’t know where to start".
"How about the beginning."
I nodded , "Okay. I first met Josh this summer at camp. We were both counselors - I was in charge of the girls, and he was in charge of the guys...."