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Part 19:

"You'd better come in," was all he said, stepping aside and motioning her through. He hadn't slept well; there were shadows under his eyes and sluggishness slowing his movements. Already she had affected him badly. Alisha began to wonder why on earth she had thought that telling him the truth would make things any different.

As she walked into the room, she saw Thom and Cern eating their version of breakfast; half a box of popcorn and Cheerios in lemonade. They both looked up, Thom's smile holding approval, Cern's purple eyes slightly surprised. Jepar gestured to the kitchen. "Out," he said, voice vibrating with tension.

With raised eyebrows and vague amusement, they obeyed, leaving Alisha alone with her soulmate. Her soulmate. It had been a long time since she had even dared to think that word without a sense of failing and loneliness.

"Well," he said with a half-smile, the tension vanishing just as suddenly, though it was still apparent in the way he cracked his knuckles, green eyes twinkling with some shrouded laughter that stemmed from deep within. "Talk away." The shapeshifter lounged on a chair, leaning back to catch the sunshine that was slanting across the room, eyes half-closed. The sun's light hit his hair in blinding rays, glittering in an aurora around his head. He looked like a tousled angel.

She couldn't share his good humour, and as the silence sank in, Jepar snapped his head round to stare at her with an uncomfortable intensity and his smile dimmed. "You had the courage to come here," he said quietly, the laughter suddenly fled from his eyes. "Whatever it is, Shar, it's forgivable."

"I don't think it is," she replied in the same grave tones.

"And that's it?" he said, almost angry, standing up in one easy movement and striding over to her, standing close. Too close. "You think I'm so small-minded and petty that I can't forgive something I don't even know about?" The words stung.

"No!" she said, looking up at him. Jepar was a few inches taller, but right now, that was very intimidating. "You're nothing like that."

His lips tugged upwards in a ghost smile. "Thanks." Then he became serious again. "You might as well just tell me, Alisha," He purred her name in a voice that made her want to melt, the English accent more pronounced than usual. "I can be *very* stubborn, and you are not leaving here until I find out whatever this supposedly terrible thing is."

She blinked. He sounded in earnest. "I'm a dragon," she said, dark blue eyes pleading. "You couldn't stop me if you wanted to." But that was a lie hidden under bravado. She wouldn't hurt him, couldn't hurt him. They both knew that.

One eyebrow arched sardonically. "Care to put money on that?" Teasing, but vibrant undertones belied the casualness of that remark.

She met his eyes and felt her resolve grow again. She *had* to tell him. This wasn't fair on either of them. "No," she said shortly. "But you're right; you deserve to know."

Head tilted on one side, he appraised her with a half-amused, half-worried glance. "It hurts you, doesn't it?" the shapeshifter boy said with unexpected perceptiveness.

She cleared her throat and began in a husky voice, "Yes. It hurts. But...I don't know how to tell you this." Everything she could think of sounded trite or cruel.

"Then don't tell," he said with a lazy, curving smile. "Show."

"What?" Alisha said, caught by surprise. His lightening changes of mood were baffling and a little frightening. She never knew when he was acting and when he was for real.

"That's what the soulmate link is for," he prompted, moving so they were barely an inch apart. "Why else is it there?" His fingertips ran very lightly over her hair, her cheeks, linking their minds in a connection she fought against. There weren't the usual effects; no sparks or haze. Their link ran beyond that. It was simply knowing someone and seeing in them yourself. Baring your soul to another person, being two halves of the same soul. All she felt was as though she was surrounded by everything that made Jepar Jubatus who he was. The rainbows and the rain.

~ What are you so afraid of? ~ his mental voice whispered, caressing and with dark undertones that were the secrets even he had. ~ Not me, surely? ~

The answer could not be concealed any longer. She stared up at the face she knew better than her own; the elegant features that could just have easily have belonged to a seraph in the Sistine Chapel. The ruffled blond hair with the curious brown patches interspersed, the faint, baffled smile that held an innocence she knew she was about to shatter. The green eyes filled with depths of mystery.

~ Memories, ~ she said and even as though she could keep the memories shut away, the pain of them seeped through the link and she shivered.

His response was instant, pulling her close, her head lying on his shoulder in unspoken support. ~ I don't like to see you hurt, ~ he said in response to an unasked question. ~ You know that. ~ Subtle smile as he looked down at her with more affection than was safe for either of them. Safe. That was a word which hadn't featured in her life very much of late. ~ You intrigued me from day one and now I know why. ~

She tried to pull away, but not with very great conviction. Alisha had forgotten the warmth of his embrace, how much she had missed him. ~ You barely know me, ~ she said in weak protest. The link was coiling their minds together, to a point where she knew that their minds would be bound together; where secrets would be obsolete.

~ And whose fault is that? ~ the quirky reproof was flung back.

Still locked in that beguiling embrace, Alisha gave in. ~ You won't like this, ~ she said in weary warning, saying a silent thank you for even this much time with him. ~ But I'm sorry. ~ And she opened her mind, and let him see the memories as the night swept in inside her head.

His arms tightened around her to the point of pain as the block that hid eight hundred years of history ruptured in his head and memories poured through. She could see his face alter, tiny changes. They were launched into the memory, unseen winds shrieking through her head. It played out, achingly slow and yet so fast, it was as though time had barely moved. Tali and Ieran talking. His furious voice, with betrayal beneath every word. How in that last split second, he turned back to her, his face outlined like a skeleton image, her frantic shriek. And the ending. The ending that would never change, no matter how she wished. The shock of it brought her back to her senses.

And launched them back into the real world, where his arms were trembling around her.

Savage pain clawed into her head for a split second before he pushed her away, eyes huge and dark, shaking with revulsion. No laughter; all that had been shattered by what she had done.

"Get out," he said, voice vibrating dangerously.

She had steeled herself for this moment, over and over, but it hurt a thousand times more than she thought it would. Tears sprang to her eyes, helpless, frustrated tears. "Jepar..." she said in a hopeless voice.

"Don't come *near* me, Tali," he snarled. Cern and Thom were looking through the kitchen doorway, eyes wide and worried.

"Please," she said in a very quiet voice, reaching out to him. He had flinched back before she got near.

"No!" he said. "Don't touch me. I can't..." his voice trailed off. Still as Ieran had been so long ago, the scene rang with double meanings. Then the deep green eyes met hers, filled with bleak horror and an maturity that shouldn't have been there. "How could you do that?" he asked. Then shook his head. "No, don't answer. Just get out."

Her eyelids dropped, but still her infernal pride wouldn't let the tears show. "I understand," she said and whirling, left at a run, knowing that she had done the right thing. But why, oh why, did being honourable mean having her heart ripped into countless pieces?

* * * *

Three days later:

It was several minutes before the doorbell broke into Alisha's reverie. She got up from where she was sitting in a room that was perfectly tidy; as if, in fact, she had never been there. There was an envelope sat on the mantelpiece of the lounge that held the keys. No note of explanation. It wasn't necessary.

The door opened to reveal a very pale witch. Not Chatoya, who had left Alisha alone after what had happened yesterday. Not knowing what to say. After they heard, no one had known of anything they could say that could possibly make any difference. But Dragon Tiamat, dressed simply, in grey and black, reflecting the mourning she always kept for her dead family, had obviously come up with some philosophy she thought would be comforting.

Her eyes, which usually had a vague detachment that came from living too long and seeing too much, were warm and sympathetic. Dragon might not understand quite how it felt, but she was trying to. "Can I come in?" she asked; words that Alisha heard in someone else's voice.

She had to press her lips together to stop them from trembling. She had done as everyone had advised; left Jepar alone, to sort things out. Hoping that he would understand somehow. Thom, the human Old Soul, had been very reassuring. "It happens to us all," he said softly. "It happened to me. You know what it's like, Shar. Centuries of memories hit you and for a while, you don't know who you are. You go a little crazy. He'll get over it. We all do." And like a fool she believed him. Had thought that somehow, something would make it all okay.

How much more wrong could she have been?

* * * *

She had been walking through the town yesterday, when she saw the familiar tall figure striding through the streets in the direction of her home, blond head turned away from her. Hoping, stupidly hoping, she had run after him, catching him at a crossroad. It had been days. She hadn't seen him; nor had any of Circle Strange. They had spent all their time around her, obviously worried. Comforting, not by word or deed, but simply by their presence.

"Jepar," she had gasped.

He had turned round in one swift movement. Stared, not really seeing her before his eyes sharpened and his face focused on her. And the depth of loathing in those emerald eyes had transfixed her to the spot.

"Did I, or did I *not* tell you to leave me alone?" he had inquired in a voice that was oh-so polite and not quite controlled. The cruelty there had been deliberate. Heartbreaking. "Let's get one thing straight, Tali," the boy who was not really Jepar, who was a cold stranger, had said. "I don't want you near me. I don't want to even see you."

Alisha had held her ground. "Are you sure about that?" she said in a calm voice, though it was hard enough to even stay there, let alone pretending to be making a polite response to such painful malevolence.

"My dear," he said sarcastically, making the endearment a curse, "Considering that not only did you sleep with that imbecile David while we were engaged, not only were we engaged, we were soulmates." He paused, seeming to weigh his next words. "Then, I walked off a cliff." Slow cruel smile. Ieran all over. "Now? I'd gladly push you off one."

And she had reeled back as though he had hit her and gone as fast as she could from that hostile gaze. She had passed Dragon, Matt and Cern. The petite girl had caught her arm, eyes pitying, but before she could say anything, Alisha had gone.

* * * *

And now Dragon was stood outside the door, the same pity on her face, but understanding there too. Alisha let her in silently. The witch-dragon's curly silver hair was dragged back in a dahlia clip, but a few strands escaped, fluttering around her eyelashes. The dragon was extremely beautiful, to the point of it being an affliction.

Dragon walked into the lounge with her usual purposeful air, her liquid silver eyes noting the bags packed neatly by the door, the unlived-in order to the place. She didn't play with words; whatever else Dragon Tiamat was, she was blunt. "He's wrong, Alisha." Simple words.

"Is he?" she replied. "It doesn't feel like that."

Dragon laughed in genuine amusement. There was a wealth of knowledge under her calm words; whatever troubles she had with Matt, past or present, she held to herself. She was that sort of person, a silent sufferer who never suffered long. "Take it from me. Look," she hesitated. "It's not easy finding your soulmate has secrets." Her eyes wouldn't meet Alisha's. "I'd a few of my own and it caused a rift between me and Matt before I gave in. But at least you told him. Jepar's just confused right now. Thom's right; it can't be easy."

"And it can't be forgiven," the girl said. "You saw."

Dragon shook her head, her face faintly confused. "I saw. And maybe I haven't known Jepar very long, but it's simply not like him. Even if he's been like that the past two days..." She sighed. "What I'm trying to say is that going won't solve anything." Sad smile. Alisha understood what the girl was trying to say; you can only run for so long. Perhaps there was more to Dragon Tiamat's fierce exterior than met the eye. "Matt and I weren't getting on so well - and there have been times in the past - but I couldn't leave. I don't think you should."

"It's what he wants," she said. Trying to hide the hurt of that and not succeeding. "And I'm beginning to think it's what I want." Anything for peace, even if it was the peace of solitude. If she could know that maybe he would change if she left, that would be enough.

Dragon looked absorbed for a split second, obviously thinking of Matt. "It's what he thinks he wants. Different matter altogether."

"Maybe. Maybe not."

Dragon got up with something like mild exasperation lining her face, beginning to pace. For all she lacked in height, she made up in personality. Dragon was impossible to ignore; if her startling hair and eyes didn't catch the attention, her prowling walk and unnatural grace certainly would. She was famous for her short temper, Chatoya had said and it showed now. "Even if it is permanent, what then?"

Alisha tried to smile. It felt wrong. She couldn't smile when she was crying inside. "What now, don't you mean?"

The dragon-witch made a negating gesture with her hands. "You can't leave," she said firmly. "Use that link of yours. Show him the good times. There have to have been some," she added, a little desperately. "Surely."

"There were..." Alisha hesitated, smiling wanly.

"And?"

"But not for Ieran." She waved her hands, trying to find the words. "How do I explain? Jepar...he sees - saw - the world completely differently. For my Ieran, nothing much was happy. He saw the most horrible things in his work-"

"What did he do?"

"He was a messenger."

Dragon laughed unexpectedly, her eyes lighting up. "You're kidding!"

Alisha shook her head, interested despite herself. Even now, she was still hungry to know anything and everything about Jepar Jubatus. Her brief glimpse into his mind had not and would never be enough. "No. Why?"

Dragon Tiamat seemed to be vacillating about whether to tell her whatever it was amused her so. But eventually she sighed. "I'm sure you've heard of an organisation called the Angels." They were protectors of anyone who needed help, be they Nightworld or Daybreak. They came unasked for and disappeared just as swiftly, leaving only cryptic messages. 'The messenger has delivered' was a favourite. "Jepar is part of that. He and Toya are posted here permanently, at their request, and I guess they must like it."

"It sounds his sort of thing," Alisha said. "But being a messenger then was different. It meant running - occasionally riding if the lord of the land felt generous - to wherever you were ordered. Most often, it was to give orders about rebellions and matters of war. He saw a lot of unpleasant sights." Alisha took a deep breath, remembering some of what Ieran had shown her, her eyes lost in those horrible memories. "Children gutted. Women raped and hung. Men forced to watch their families die before they were tortured and left somewhere to rot. People-"

"Point taken," the dragon cut in, her voice cold but she was clearly shocked. She had halted her continuous striding for a split second. "I had no idea."

"Emotions were something Ieran couldn't afford," she carried on, "It would have driven him insane otherwise. I knew he loved me, even if he didn't say it. It was always there, no matter how hard I had to look." Alisha sighed. "But if I show Jepar this, what do you think he's going to see? My good times? Or his nightmares?"

Dragon stopped pacing. Her face was sorrowful. "Right now, all he would see is the dark side. But give him time, Alisha-"

"How much time?" she said. "How long before he can come to terms with that sort of horror? I still haven't got over it. And I don't think he's your friend Jepar now. He's someone called Ieran Hansson and for that, I'm sorry."

Dragon sighed and went to leave. "So am I," she said gravely. "But if you leave, promise something."

"I won't come back," Alisha said. She couldn't. It would break her back into something she couldn't stand being, someone that only had hurt. "Don't you see? If I go away, only to come back with stupid hopes that will never be fulfilled, I'm not living. Don't you think it's time I learned to get over what I did?"

"And if Jepar changes his mind?" Dragon said, her tone cooler. She didn't approve. Alisha wasn't sure *she* approved. All she knew was that she couldn't spend the rest of her life hoping for forgiveness. Jepar couldn't forgive her. So it was time she forgave herself and started living. She had done her penance; done the right thing and though she took responsibility for her actions, she didn't have to punish herself for them.

She shrugged. "That's up to him."

Dragon Tiamat sighed, her face troubled. "You won't even let yourself hope?"

Alisha shook her head defiantly. "I hoped last time. Look what happened."

* * * *

Around ten minutes after Dragon left, Alisha did too. She headed in the opposite direction, to the bus stop at the other end of town. She had arrived at the other stop, expecting just another dreary assignment. Had found something beyond her wildest dreams. Beyond her wildest nightmares. And although she had given up her humanity for a shapeshifter who loathed what he once loved, Alisha had never felt more human or more vulnerable.

This was it. She waited at the stop patiently. The bus was late. Over half an hour so. Some things never changed. Like the fact she still wasn't sure where she was going. Daybreak was a lost cause. Thierry had understood when she came here that she wouldn't be going back. Where could a dragon go where no one would know?

Where she could go was easy. Anywhere. She had wings now. Fins. Claws. Teeth. Power. None of which she had wanted and all of which she had taken. Where no one would know? Maybe in the depths of the jungle, or the labyrinth of a city, which was the same place, only humans had made one and not the other. Far away, that was for sure. Alisha just wanted to...not forget this, because it was important. But not to let it take over her life anymore.

The road was silent, apart from a few cars that screamed along the road, breaking the speed limit with Nightworld recklessness, or hummed past calmly, with the care of those who knew that when you were human, care was indefinite, but fractured skulls were for life.

Finally, she saw the bus approaching at the lazy pace of life that lay deceptively over the town. It slowed, and the doors opened with the metallic squeak of old machinery. The driver looked at her. He looked about forty, but the youthful eyes told her he was a lamia. "Where're you going?" he demanded.

She didn't hear him. Alisha was waiting for those last few seconds with the fatal hope she had always had. Optimism. It shouldn't be allowed. It only made the end result hurt more. No one was there. Not even a battered car, or Circle Strange. She supposed they didn't deal in goodbyes.

"Where're you going?" the driver demanded again in his gruff voice.

"Vegas."

As he fiddled with the machine and her change, she looked down the road, hoping to see someone appearing from the woods that lined either side. But no one. No cat-fur mottled hair, no clear green eyes. No sunny smile. Just her alone. As it would be from now on.

And finally, she accepted it. There would be no happy ending. She slung her bag over one shoulder, feeling the sun heating her skin and without even looking back over her shoulder, Alisha Althasson stepped onto the bus.