a taylor hanson fairy tale



nevie: once upon a time, not so long ago... about 18 years to be exact, a young couple whom we'll call "dalker" and "wiana", decided to go get laid.
al: since dalker was a casanova man with all the smooth moves (of which his eldest son, we'll call him "corndog", inherited), he took wiana out on the makeout point and tried to get his swerve on.
nevie: dalker thought things were going quite well until on an impulse he looked down and saw that his darling wiana had fallen asleep and was now drooling onto the leather interior of his new ford pick up truck. "noooooooo!" dalker screamed frantically, looking for something to mop up the small drooly puddle... he became so involved in this that he missed seeing the faint blue light that had mysteriously appeared inside the truck.
al: dalker gazed up at the sky in wonder and gasped as a space ship came down and settled in front of his pick up truck. dalker shook wiana awake and they clutched to one another as a plump old lady crawled out, mumbling under her breath, "damn ramp!" she summons dalker and wiana out with a mischievous grin.
nevie: dalker and wiana looked on in wonder as the round waddling figure approached them. "greetings earth pair," she said in a voice much like dan rather with a smoker's cough. "I come to offer you a precious gift," she announced, looking dalker and wiana over slowly one at a time. "you are parents no?" at this dalker and wiana both nodded. dalker pulled from his pants, which were still around his ankles, a wallet. from this wallet he retrieved a photograph of his elder son, corndog. the mysterious woman blinked several times. "I come not a moment too soon!" she announced, advancing on the couple.
al: wiana cried out in fear, "what do you want from us??" the old lady laughed, stopping mid laugh to cough horribly. "why just to give you a PRETTY son for once," she cackled, once her throat had been clear. "and all it'll cost you is a teensy teensy thing..." she trailed off, and her finger tips tapped together, an evil gleam in her eye. "what's that?" dalker said, mock courageous tones in his voice. "just your SOUL!" cried the old lady, her head tilting back as she cackled.
nevie: "OUR SOULS?!?" dalker and wiana looked at each other and cried in unison. the small woman huffed, "that's what I said isn't it?" she countered. dalker then became quiet as the expression on his face began to change. "I would so like to very a pretty son..." he mused, mainly to himself. wiana looked horrified, "but dalker dear! it would mean selling our souls!" she gaped. dalker looked at her thoughtfully for a moment. finally he answered, "when our pretty son makes us rich and famous I'll buy us NEW souls!" wiana's eyes lit up, "we're in yes yes we're in!" the chubby little old woman seemed pleased...
al: "good." the fat lady dug around in her huge frumpy bag, cursing every so often, seemingly looking for something particular. after several minutes, she cried out, "EUREKA!" as she withdrew a glittering wand that made her seem ALMOST fairy godmother like, if it weren't for her evil intentions. she touched it to wiana's stomach and grinning, said, "you will give birth to the world's most beautiful baby within 9 months time. now it's time i take your souls!" she pulled out what looked like the contraption from ghostbusters and set it down, watching with glee as dalker and wiana's souls were pulled into it.
nevie: "nice doing business with you fine folks!" the little old woman said, gathering up his bag and heading back into her ship. only once safely inside did she break out into fits of laughter. she'd done it! she's tricked dalker and wiana into taking "the blonde one", as he is called on their home planet, off her hands. while it was true that the blonde one is every bit as pretty as the old woman had claimed he was also the universe's most clumsy, annoying, dorky, albeit strangely alluring, figure. and NOW he would be sent to grow up on earth... far far from the little old woman and her happy home.
al: wiana and dalker rejoiced together, their hands clasping in fits of giggles. "finally!! we'll be rich without a care in the world!" they cried. nine months later, on march 14 of 1983, just as the fat old lady had promised, wiana gave birth to jordan taylor hanson as they called him. notice each name has 6 letters, thus his full name being 666... coincidence? i think not, and either does the fat lady!
nevie: young jordan began to grow and grow and became prettier with each passing day... pleasing dalker and wiana very much. time passed and to the wondering surprise of the couple MORE pretty children were born! not quite as pretty as young jordan but eerily attractive in their own right. years later they discovered what a talent the young boy had for raspy sounds that on a good day could be passed for singing. that was it! that was how the young boy would make the money to buy back his parents souls, after all jordan was PERFECT he could do it!
al: as there was no doubt in dalker and wiana's mind, they began music lessons right away. corndog of course insisted he be included, figuring he could use jordan as his ticket as well. soon the three eldest, ugly corndog, pretty jordan and pretty zachary were formed into a band with the MOST original name, HANSON! after all, thought dalker, what better name than their last one?
nevie: as hanson began taking it's baby steps jordan felt lost within the world... no one was as pretty or as clever as he was and he felt all alone. in those times of trouble he looked to the stars above to guide him through his life. "oh pretty stars," he would say "why isn't anyone else as pretty, or charming, or good as me?" he'd sit, batting his big blues eyes and questioning the nighttime sky night after night. years went by and hanson became the biggest thing since sliced cheese and jordan was loved by old and young, one and all. he grew and discovered wondrous things like wife beaters and female teenage hormones that helped him to enhance his prettiness.
al: and of course he used those wondrous things quite often, taking great pride in the screams he elicited when he sang, using it to his full advantage, and crafting such wonders as the "COME ON!"s and the "OH YEAH!"s each song was bursting with. he felt no matter what, he was always adored for his sleek biceps (which he waxed weekly to polish off his hairless adonis look) and his tight leather pants, and in most cases he was right. he was petted and fed with compliments by dalker and wiana, and cooed softly in response, promising that no matter what, he would get their souls back.
nevie: all seemed to be going well for dalker, wiana, jordan and then entire clan until one night a fat rolly polly figure of a woman came to jordan in a dream... "it is time taylor... time for you to do what it is you were sent here to do..." and with that jordan woke up from the nightmare sweating and afraid. he crawled into bed with his younger brother zachary for support... actually he had taken to doing this quite often but THAT is a whole nother story. from the very next day, jordan could sense that something was not quite right... his ears seemed to stick out a little further, his long flowing hair kept getting shorter and shorter and even the next hanson album seemed not..... flop in the sales papers! "no this just can't be!" dalker cried, seeing that young jordan might be losing his golden touch.
al: but alas, jordan just couldn't stop. he hacked his hair off, and his raspy growls escalated to... no...! SCREAMS! due to his dissipating beauty, the young boy often howled throughout the songs, his face scrunched up in what looked like constipation as he muddled through each set, each song losing more and more of it's golden sunshiney-ness. he refused to be called jordan any longer, not wanting to believe that someone like he was losing his beauty, and adopted his middle name, taylor, thinking that if he wasn't called jordan any longer, that person would remain as beautiful as he always was.
nevie: no matter what he did, jordan couldn't seem to get any better or more beautiful. he's taken to spending long nights in front of corndog's laptop computer reading endless hanson fan fiction stories which talked about his azure blue eyes and honey blonde hair. "yes.." he would coo as he stocked one of wiana's fuzzy bedroom slippers that he thought to be the family's newly adopted cat, "yes see kitty? I am pretty... so pretty..." he'd murmur on into the night. all of this lasted until one fateful night... march 13th 2001, the eve of jordan's 18th birthday. this night he was visited by a pair of unworldly visitors. "jorrrrrrdan... jorrrrrrdan," the smaller blonder one whispered, she was quickly shoved out of the way by a taller dark red haired girl with glittering wings. "yo! hot stuff wake up!" jordan sat up straight in bed to see two young fairies standing by his bedside. "w..whoo..oo?" the blonde one shook her head and looked to her companion. "we're your fairy god... um not things that's creepy... we're just your fairies kid," she replied to the wide eyed jordan and she snuggled down into the bed to play with s club 7 dolls he'd left out by mistake. the taller red haired fairy turned her attention back to jordan. "yes you can call us uh.. " the fairy stopped to think. "mevia and blyssa... yeah..." she stuttered. "do you have hannah?" mevia asked, from looking under jordan's bed for the missing s club doll. "in the bathroom under the cupboard..." jordan replied, sending mevia off to retrieve the missing doll and blyssa went back to the topic at hand. "we have a message for you... we're here to give you your prettiness back..."
al: jordan clasped his hands together, his blue eyes twinkling with delight. "WHY BLYSSA! MEVIA!! that is so NICE OF YOU!" he cooed. "yeah yeah kid, so anyway..." blyssa replied, waiting until mevia returned. "now jordan, as you know, there is a high price for the beauty that you used to hold..." mevia continued warily. she looked to blyssa to continue, only to find the girl stroking jordan's hands in wonder. "pst! blyssa!!" hissed mevia. blyssa looked up, eyes wide, and quickly regained her composure. "yup. it's your soul, buddy."
nevie: "mm...my sss...soul?" jordan finally got out. mevia giggled. "ohhh he DOES stutter.. uh what I mean is yes your soul," she said, nodding her head and continuing to braid rachel doll's hair. "it was either that or your firstborn child, and considering that we can see the future and you won't be losing your virginity until the age of 46 and we didn't want to wait that long... soul it is," blyssa filled jordan in. "so," mevia said, now moving to stand beside her fellow fairy, "how bout it?"
al: jordan never did well under pressure, as he was quite the wuss when it came to anything peer related. "well... well, uh, i-i guess," he stuttered again, his bottom lip trembling in what appeared to the normal eye as fear, but these fairies knew better - it was trembling with antici.... PATION! of his returning beauty. "can you really make me pretty again?" he cooed, nuzzling into the two fairies. "of course we can, kid, we're fairies," mevia replied, cracking her knuckles for emphasis. "yeah, what she said," blyssa added.
nevie: mevia then began to dig through her teletubbies backpack until she pulled out a book titled "magical spells for dummies" and she and blyssa began to chant out loud. jordan felt a warm tingle spread all over his body... his hair began to grow, his ears turned his, his feet shrunk and his boxer shorts became a little tighter... the last modification being a gift from the fairies. "that should about do it!" mevia announced packing up her book. "ok pretty boy, now hand over the soul," blyssa said, moving towards jordan. "hehe you said hand..." mevia snickered in the background. blyssa looked back at her and stuck out her tongue. jordan stood and held out his arms to each side in a reflective christ symbol. "I'm pretty again... take whatever it is that you will." seeing this, blyssa and mevia looked at each other slack jawed. this time it was their turn to stutter. "uh mevia I don't think he meant it like THAT..." she said to her friend. "damn..." mevia muttered, returning to her dolls to allow blyssa to get their prize.
al: blyssa looked to taylor and muttered, "DAMN he is pretty." she gazed at him thoughtfully for a minute before snapping out of it and giggling at his tighter pants, she rummaged through her bag, tossing out a lex doll. "how'd THAT get in there?" she explained with a blush, and continued to toss out more things, finally resting her eyes upon their contraption. she set down the huge box, nearly falling over in her big pink pants, and set it on "SOUL", standing back in satisfaction. "well, that should do it," she said proudly. "prepare to be soulless!" and with that, she kicked on the power button, cringing slightly at the high notes that erupted from jordan's throat as his soul was sucked from him. the box rattled and shook as jordan fell back on the bed in all his soulless glory, and finally it spit two round bracelet like objects. "yay, mevia, it WORKED RIGHT this time!!" blyssa cooed, handing over mevia's half of jordan's soul, disguised in a black spikey jelly bracelet.
nevie: "hmm? oh yeah soul right gotcha..." mevia mumbled from her position of craning her neck to look at jordan's cute as a button younger brother who was sleeping in the next room. she slipped the bracelet over her hand and prepared to follow blyssa out of the room. she stopped, taking one last look at jordan again. "may he always be pretty and never wear gap..." she whispered, exiting the room. the very next day jordan woke up prettier and more carefree than he'd been in ages. he sprang down the hall way in boxers and tube socks singing and dancing the entire way. he burst into dalker and wiana's room with a huge grin on his face. "my name is jordan and I'll never be taylor again!" he anounced leaping into his doting parents arms.

and you must be asking did young jordan live happily ever after? well only time will tell...
al: but for now, all is happy and pretty on the jordan taylor hanson front!
nevie: happy birthday blondie!