ever lonely

date: march 31, 2000
time: 10:18 p.m.
listening to: ever lonely by hanson...bathwater by no doubt. there you go by pink. [napster is in full gear.]
talking to: sara, saramarie, harmony, nevia

today is quite possibly the shittiest day of my life. *nods* i am sitting here, crying out my fucking eyes. over...well. a lot of things. let's start from the beginning shall we?

i have been feeling real down lately, right? i mean, okay, DUH, seeing as i have depression that's a factor of that, right? mmkay, right. well anyways, today i had like, a bad ass mood swing - i should have been happy, i mean, hanson was on TRL and they had that webcast tonight *sob*, but i'm not.

in fifth hour [creative writing], mrs. bolone asked me if i was alright...all because i wasn't talking!! okay WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??? just because alyssa isn't talking one day something MUST be wrong? FUCK THAT. i'm so sick of that...they should see me at home! i don't even utter a word to ANYONE. i don't think they'd find it quite so odd then that i didn't talk for one day...anyways. so like, i was like "NOTHING" and started crying and just got up and left. i mean, she kept asking me what was wrong, fuck that, i don't want to tell HER of all people.

we are ass fucking poor. this realization just hit me recently. yet...okay, i never ever ask for money from my parents, unless it's damn mandatory. NEVER. and so i am in dire need of a new pair of jeans - i need them as much as i need my arms and legs, okay? - and so i asked my mom and noooo....lyssie can't get jeans cause we don't have MONEY. and yet - oh you're going to love this - we have enough money to supply my mother with not only 20 brand new CDs, but a trip to las vegas to kill all the money we DO have, and...enough money to manange to give ass loads of it to my brother for college. for basically cigarettes and beer. *nods* but i can't get that pair of $20 jeans i need so badly. *sighs*

i haven't talked to sara in so very long...*cries* i miss her. i miss talking to her...i miss being a dumbass with her. i miss belting out random hanson songs with her, and having those cliché songs, like...ever lonely for instance. yeah, that's our song *heh*. so i im'd her today...and we spilled beans with each other...it was a big relief, definitely. things are going tough with her too. *hugs for sara* don't worry babe, i love you to bits and pieces still. always will. *cough* if you're ever lonely...*meek smile*

i got in a fight with margo today. another one. it started cause i said something about a mutual friend, chrissy. [if you're reading this, it was nothing bad, just a passing comment, i said all your friends don't look south american...and i wondered if they were from the US like you.] margo doesn't like me talking about any of my friends. *shrugs* she's...possessive? maybe. i don't know what to call it, but we've gotten in other fights dealing with it. *sigh* so basically, she told me she thinks that i treat all my other friends like they're god and don't treat her good enough. now, kids, that is just not true. i love margo and would never intentionally hurt her. but apparently i do, on a daily basis. *sigh* so i told her until she is secure with herself, then she needs to not talk to me, because it's ruining our friendship big time.

i'm very tired, but i can't sleep...so...i'm just going to stop rambling now. thank you nevia, for listening to me, you are the best. *smiles* *mwah* love you.

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