murder motives

date: sunday, june 25, 2000
time: 4:42 p.m.
listening to: mother mother by tracy bonham
talking to: kristina
feeling: pissed off
wearing: jncos and black broadzilla tee

i am ready to kill my mother.

i have no hair. hahah. i just cut it all off so it's short, it's spiky and it's punk. *grins* i like it. though my mom calls it ugly, but see can kiss my fat white ass. it's not her hair. and she's like "if you dye it pink, i'll be so ugly" - FUCK YOU, let me do what i want, SHE doesn't have to have pink hair, so why does SHE care? exactly.

anyways. she's bitching cause she thinks that i'm connected to the internet EVERYTIME i'm in front of the computer. I'M NOT. half the time, i'm working in notepad, trying to get all the html done for our band page. and once in a while, i'll click on to check my email real quick. or i'll leave my AIM on. WHO CARES. i'm doing something else...

and BESIDES - my brother can sit there and have his computer connected ALL THE TIME, all hours of the night...and he can stay on it all day, but he doesn't get in trouble? what the fuck is that? why don't they make it more blatantly obvious who's the favored one in this family. but you seeee, it's because matt goes out, and matt DOES things. alyssa does not, so she MUST be the family loser. well excuse the fuck out of me, but just because i don't go out does NOT mean i'm a loser. i hate going out! because every time i do, i have a horrible time, and something goes wrong - and not to mention the fact that all my friends are rabid druggies and alcoholics. oh boy, what fun it is to be the only one not destroying their body.

she found roach clips in my brother's room. did he get in trouble? no. he gets drunk every night, UNDERFUCKINGAGE, and smokes, but does he get in trouble? no. now, if my parents had found roach clips in my room [a clear indication of pot smoking], i would be kicked out of the house, no questions asked. i would be grounded forever, and then kicked out. but yet, when they find this shit in his room, it's okay, cause at least he goes out. whatever. so i guess now i'm a loser because i don't smoke pot, drink and fuck everything in sight.

i have morals. what a loser i am.

and it's more aggravating cause they think that it's OKAY to do this. to treat one offspring FAR better than the other. they don't think it's wrong at all. but you see, i'm also the psycho one too. i have to go to therapy and i'm depressed and i'm such the family fuck up. well, how the hell do they think i got this way? surely it's not their faults, however, because they are model fucking citizens.

and they think i'm a loser because i have net friends. well it's not fair - i happen to know if i didn't have my friends to talk to i would have long since killed myself. without nevie, asp, sarama, lace...i'd be gone. because this just drives me too far over the edge of insanity. but i guess all my friendships with them - the ones who constantly lift my spirits and help me through my life, and are there for me endlessly, those of whom i could never ever put into words how much they mean to me - is "stupid". and not worth it. and i need "real" friends. they are real friends. they are the world to me, and if that's stupid, then my whole life is.

*screams* I HATE THEM I HATE THEM I HATE THEM I HATE THEM I HATE THEM.

okay, i better go before they think i'm on the internet again [i'm in wordpad typing this].

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