melancholy

date: december 27, 2000
time: 12:13 p.m.
listening to: middle of nowhere by hanson
talking to: no one
feeling: nostalgic and sad, but
wearing: pajama pants and def leppard

so hold on to the ones who really care, in the end they'll be the only ones there...

this is going to sound cheesy and just completely fucking ridiculous to everyone who doesn't know what i'm talking about. for everyone who hasn't been touched by something so deeply that they don't even know who they were before it touched them. but oh well, because i need to get it out of my system.

i love them. probably with every fucking ounce in me to love, more than i should, maybe... and the fact that i love them more than i love my family scares the shit out of me. but they were there when my family wasn't. they were there when i thought i had gone completely mad, and slowly took me down to saneness once again.

isn't it hard? standing in the rain? yeah, you're on the verge of going crazy and your heart's in pain. no one can hear, but you're screaming so loud. you feel like you're all alone in a faceless crowd.

i've got goosebumps. and i'm crying. not that snivelling, whiny crying... the sobbing, shaking, crying-with-everything-in-you crying. and i hate that i'm crying over "a stupid band." i hate it. i hate that someone has so much effect on me, someone who'll never understand, and never get it.

reaching for a hand that'll understand, someone who feels the same. when you live in a cookie cutter world, if you're different you can't win. so you don't stand out, but you don't fit in...

and i hate them. i hate them for being real. for not being the angels they're supposed to be. for growing up, and not staying my angels like the once were. and like they'll always be. contradicting, yes, but not if you know what i'm talking about. they're real, they hurt people, they have bedhead, they're rude, mean, sweet, caring, unknowing, naive, and all that bundled into one. i hate them for this, but at the same time i could never hate them, only love them madly... and that confusion frustrates me to no end.

nevia and i had a long talk about it last night, and it helped me clear my head, and this is the afterthoughts of it all. and she was right - i never want them to know how much they mean to me, because that would ruin it. to know how many people cry for them, and how maybe people they've touched... like she said, just a fraction of that knowledge would ruin everything. but at the same time, i want to shake them so hard, and punch them and just beat it into them how much they mean to me and how big of an influence their being is. and then i want to cry and apologize for ever hurting them.

i never asked for this, like nevie said. we never asked for something to come along that would just turn our whole lives upside down. i never asked for them to come along and interrupt my life, and shake me every which way, and to make me cry and make me hurt and make me so happy - i never asked for them, just like they've never asked for me. i'll never ever regret that they came along, but god, i didn't ask for them.

when you have no light to guide you, and no one to walk beside you, i will come to you. when the night is dark and stormy, you won't have to reach out for me, i will come to you...we all need somebody we can turn to, someone who always understands. so if you feel like your soul is dying, and you need the strength to keep trying, i'll reach out and take your hand.

i love them.

i watched boy's don't cry this morning. i woke up before ten, cause my dad called. but i didn't pick up the phone. while i was watching it, i remembered a teensy bit of my dream. chrissy was in it, and we were drinking coffee... i had already had like, three cups and i was going to have a heartattack cause it was too much caffiene or something. so she was calming me down.

i miss aspen, and the safety of being in tulsa, and away from here.

later.

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