* I'm losing ground - you know how this world can beat you down - I'm made of clay - I fear I'm the only one who thinks this way - I'm always falling down the same hill - bamboo puncturing this skin - and nothing comes bleeding out of me just like a waterfall I'm drowning in * (Trent Reznor)

I think that I'm drugged, I think that my tears have dangerous chimicals, I think that everything is falling down, I think that I can't catch me, I'm fading.
Odelya is my drug..and it's so frightening. Last week we had a lecture on drugs in school and the man who spoke said stuff about the behavior of drugged people when they need the drug and they can't have it. He said that besides the mental lust, there are aches and the whole body is spinning with pain, the craving is so profound that the man can't stand straight. It's horrible..it is! And I feel this ache now, and I am crying inside, nothing comes out..my body is an ocean of dirt and love and anger and..I need her to get closer to me, to be able to tell if I drank coffee or orange juice, to be aware of my eye movements, to communicate. She had to study so I let her go. Sometimes I feel like I m.u.s.t hear her voice or else I will die and sometimes I call her just for telling her how much I love her
this time she didn't answer the phone
I need my Odelya so much, so much!!!!!!

19 January 2000
it's a new day now well..not exactly because it's dimming outside and the wind stopped moving. Sometimes I think that stillness can be much worse than tumult- something's wrong when everything stops, even for a moment, moments matter, to me. And I'm wounded, and I need my own rainbow with my own colors, in my own clouds and in my own eyes. I want to be the one who has or owns the colors, I want to be the one who decides the rules of the game, I want to be the only communist with antisocial tendencies, I want to be anti and love everything else, I want to control my position. I want her with me.
I N.e.e.d my O.D.E.L.Y.A

it's 18:00 right now, and till now my house was crowded with 2 of my friends, 2 closest friends actually.. if there were 2 more it could complete the circle of the important friends in my life..the shame. But about these 2 I will talk later, one of them is Yael. It feels so horrible to be addicted, it feels so horrible to need something and to want ONLY that thing..I'm living between the minutes and thinking about my Odelya, I'm looking at my friends and laughing at their jokes ( the jokes were funny, I am not fake..even as a child I didn't laugh when everybody else did) but my head is in my misfortune- I couldn't speak with my Odelya, and I want it so much! I almost cried infront of my friends..I almost made them hear the discordant shriek in my head that screamed " Odelya, I love you". almost.
And she called..and I couldn't talk, and she said " I love you" and all I could say infront of them was " ok.." it was horrible, she deserves better, I'm nothing but a pathetic creature, never heavenly. no.
When I'm with her I'm never hungry, she feeds every hunger in my soul and I have more soul than a body, I'm hers completely and now she's somewhere else..thinking about other things and I'm here wondering..does she think about me? am I her glorified sprite at thie very minute? am I the milk she wants to absorb? am I hers right now in her mind's church? am I her religion? because she is mine. Yael told me that she doesn't know if she should be insulted when I say all of these things, she says that it seems like I don't have any place for her in a mind that is dedicated to one person. But in every forest you have some trees, some fruits, one old lady's house and one wandering girl. I am just someone who doesn't belong to any fairy tale so for me..Odi is the one who keeps me whole and you're the one who is willing to bear me..and I want you in my life, I can't explain it but sometimes it seems like being whole isn't enough, you need something else, I need you. Please don't ask me to try and explain, it's just something I know, and I hope that you do too, Yael, don't you?
(listening to " I see right through you"- Alanis, I love this cd..I really do)
I'm so inlove with the stain Odi left in my spirit, and now all I want is more of these signs of her. Ooooh...it's so hard, 2 more hours and I'll be able to talk with her, until then..I can't even go and do my math thing..I can't. I have tomorrow a vacation and also the day after, I want to go to Yael's and to Odelya but I'll be able to do so only one day..it will be enough I guess, more than anything at least, I miss them constantly, I gotta see them. I miss Odi's kisses, her sharp blade, her supreme passion for me..how can she want me? I will never understand that..and my mom suspects everything, I asked her today " don't you trust me mother? you know I'm responsible and you know I am strong. Don't worry, If I am feep in something it's only in the pond I chose, not in anything else." and that was the only thing I said that got into her after 10000 tries that didn't do..she said that she finds my relationship with Odelya and Yael "strange" and that she doesn't trust "this" but I'm a good girl, I have never drunk, never smoked, never touched someone I didn't want to, never was caught up in something I didn't want to be caught up with. No one could ever influence me into do something, I am a thinker, and my mom knows that. I'm glad..finally we found a base for a mutual language. My room is so messy. I'm starting to hate this mess. By the way, about that history test..I couldn't believe it but..I got a 97!!! can you believe? and I thought that I have failed..I'm so sick..I need someone to hit me with something, I need to get out of my nest and find out that I'm not as horrible as I think I am..and even if so, how can I be loved by someone that is as wonderful as Odelya? how can I be loved by someone that is as orbiting as Yael? Yael doesn't love everyone, it was hard for me to find a place in her heart..I mean, she lets everyone in, but it takes time until she lets someone a gulp of her soul, and she shouldn't..me and her, we both are so fragile, maybe that's why we fit, we try to put the pieces together, if we break, we can always lend some pieces of each other..at least that's what I think. I miss Ayelet and I miss Anita. Anita wrote me a letter, she says that she doesn't know where are we going and that it hurt her that I said in my last letter " think about it, but this time- for real" and she said that I got us into a crisis so I need to get us out. I know now that she's not my soul mate, and she says that talking with her in the phone broke my illusion, her perfection in her eyes. She says that it could be better if we didn't talk, but how can she say that? it means we would have knows only half the truth. She needs to be the person she is even behind the bars of paper, and she has to know by now that the truth isn't in the writing, it all comes to the reality in the end. to flesh and blood, to me and her. And she is not.. she is not.. still I miss her, I miss many people all of the sudden, but I don't even know who do I miss. maybe I miss a period or maybe I'm trying to escape my current quandary and maybe I'm just trying to write until the clock strikes 21:00, I'm so eager to fly with my wings to Yael tomorrow, i need to show her that I care for her too, and as for Odelya..but of course I want her beside me..although I can't stay still near her, my hormones are raging..but I'm trying to behave..err!

I have a wizard's hat, it's huge and pink with red stars on it. Sometimes when I wear it I feel secure, I feel like I have powers, I try to heal a doll's broken leg, I'm trying to heal my open wounds. But I forget that I need a magic wand and that even a starry hat isn't enough..but I can swear that I saw one night a spark which came out of it, the star tried to tell me that you don't need a wand, only the hat. So I put the hat again, more secure now, I didn't feel even one bit childish, I only felt somewhat weird wearing a pink hat with no reason. I didn't really have any idea of a spell in my head so I only sat on my bed with the hat and played with my jewels (which reminds me- I really don't like the woman) and then I felt like everything freezed and the second after it all got back to normal, only a bit different, more to the right I think..yes..life moved one step to the right. And the dogs barked a little differently and the children laughed differently (only a bit, remember) and me, who don't bark or laugh, I wanted to see if I moved one step to the right also, so I put my hat off my head and I looked in the mirror and for the first time my left was also my reflection's left.

give peace a chance

Natalie
your prison

1 fact for today- I don't like serial killers but I admire insanity and I have a really weird interest in Charles Manson.