* . .when the actor reaches his death,
You know it's not for real, he just holds his breath,
But he always dives too soon, too fast, to save himself . .* Kate Bush -Wow*

I have just talked to Ayelet and it brought me here, I have to write.
Kate is singing her "wow wow wow wow wow wow , unbelievable", I am listening to her words and every word makes sense, I think that her look made me understand every unwritten sign, I understand her total looseness and wildness, I could be like that too if only I weren't me..a problem..
Choruses have been running in my mind my entire life, every week there's another song playing in my mind when I'm thinking, interrupting my thoughts, saying words of nonsense that were putten there only because no one would listen to the melody without them. I have melodies in my head all the time and when I write, I sing the words with my early melodies that weren't even made for these certain words. There's a difference between people who write first or hum first.

I'm a hummer..not the animal now.

This year my melodies weren't affected by the surroundings, I never listened to what people sang in the class, in the streets, in the T.V, only to my own singing, to my own music. My choruses never ended and never changed. When I start to sing I have nothing new in me to sing, only the same songs..same melodies...same....color..
"I see myself suddenly on the piano,
As a melody.
My terrible fear of dying, no longer
Plays with me.
For now I know that I'm needed
For the symphony."
 I think about yesterday and I see myself nervoud about the first day of school, about high school. I never thought I will get to high school. I always looked at the "grown-up" people, the 10 graders.. and they were so big in my eyes.. now when I'm one of the big ones I feel so little. Now I look up again and there are more who are bigger, but my disappointment is that I don't feel big or different as I thought I will be when I'm 16. for heaven's sake- I'm 16 soon..I thought that I won't be 16 ever..and still it seems like I will stay 15 forever. that age suits me most, it has no smell, no sight, it exists and that's all. Every one who's 15 wants to be 16..and me..I don't want to be 16, it means I get older. I want to be Peter Pan..heh heh..
"When, When I am a man,
I will be an astronaut,
And find Peter Pan,
Second Star on the right
Straight on 'til morning."
 It's not even that I don't want to be older...I just don't mind staying like this forever...because I don't feel that I move along with time. I told Ayelet that it looks like tomorrow we're in the university and next week we're dead. That's how I see it..this year didn't move, there are no marks or seconds, there are no interesting people or ambitions. Only the perfect "musts" (tests, assignments, etc..) and the sweet running in the shape of my wife, only *she* makes me alive, only with her the time passes..too quick....
A day after a day, month after month..and still nothing is changed. it's so amazing..I can't get it really. How can it be?
I talked about it with a friend of mine, Reut, and she said that she feels the same. She said that last year she felt really involved in everything that was done in school but this year we're always apathetic to everything, we don't care and we are not a part of anything anymore- we don't sing, we don't dance, we don't write, we don't CARE.
I agreed of course... everyone is with his pre-groups, no real bonds were made. You think that in high school a bunch of new kids will arrive, good kids, mature kids.. but maturity is not a matter of age, only of progression. I have one person in my family that is so mature and he's only 13. I always felt really close to him because we really look alike and he's very smart. I love the way his mind works..it's really pure. I think that in the last 2 years I saw him only...8 times the most, and still I feel that way.
One more difference between me and others, I never forget people, even if we met only once, or had only one adorable conversation, they will always stay in my heart as wise and as dear and precious. like him, I would see him more but we can't really ( they live far ) and still I care and think about him, if they're not here it doesn't mean I can't spare them some thoughts. But me.. no one thinks about me just like that.. oh how poor I am.. damn it, I'm talking about myself like I'm so miserable, it makes me laugh..I'm so dramatic sometimes.
I want to decorate my room, to put more Dali pictures, to take off the stupid Manson posters but there are some things I will *never* take off- like my Itshak Rabin pictures and my cousin's late dog. They're dead but they'll always be on my walls, inside and outside- it's the same for me, they have to be there, they live in me after all.
I think that Music concerns our hearing so I shouldn't see it.. I don't need to be convinced that I love it or look at some empty names on my wall. In the beginning of the year I wrote "Tori Amos" and "Marilyn Manson" on any stupid notebook or mine, and now when I think about it, it was reallly stupid. but I thought that maybe someone will see it and dare to say that he loves them too...But not anymore, I don't do this anymore. I don't need to write their names everywhere..they're in me, in my ears, (sometimes even Manson but I don't mean him right now) I really don't need them anywhere else. It's just unfair to me,if I put something on my wall it has to mean something to me, I think I have to go and get myself some pictures but..I'm not in a rush. I will just leave my walls white until I see something, by accident, and love it and want to look at it everyday.
At Odelya's room there are 2 posters of Kurt Cobain that her sister put there, and they're so beautiful..They're huge and they say something...I think a wall represents his owner.
With me..I feel that no singer or a band represents me so I don't put their posters on my wall... I wish I knew what I want on my wall..I do want a change but now when I look at it it's really nice..no, I don't want anything that can scare me, not this time.
I realized it when my grandmother (who I love so so very much) came to open the door and she saw my Manson evil poster and observed it. She didn't say "ahhhkkkccc" or something, she just looked at it and I said "Grandmother, I don't want you to look at it, I'm taking it off anyway" and so I did take it off. Then I went somewhere and when I came back it was on. My parents thought it fell...I need something to fill the void.

Where am I?
I don't think that we have our own spot in time that moves along with him,
no..time- we invented it
and moving- we don't move all the time, but when we do..it's in our own pace..or if you want to call it- in our own Time.
once I really loved k's choice's line " take my future, past, it's fine but now is mine"
Now I still do
but I won't let anyone take them away

they're all mine.

just a thought...
it's 12:00 now..
Natalie