Saturday

It always made me wonder..how all week everything is trembling and swirling and nature never makes an effort to cast rosemary pleasure on our rocked worlds, but on saturday it seems like the whole missed energy is in every flashing leaf, every owl's murmur (heh heh..this word is funny..hmm..), every romantic note, every red ribbon.
On saturday everyone usually rest or look for something special to do, in my family it usually includes eating..how horrible. The street is so quiet, no cars, no airplanes, no trains - saturday makes me ponder..wether I could be happier without this modern burden, with the carriage's sound, the fluffy dresses, the lady expression, the red roses and the milkman. men with swords and flat earth, I wouldn't mind really, it can be flat or round or anything, when it was flat it didn't smoke so much. it elevates my spirit to think about these times, when you could open a window and see something that is not a building, probably I wouldn't be in this country if I were going through time, it hardly exists, and my would be somewhere in yemen enjoying the heavy jewelery and the raising smell of tea carrying in the village. Then there's a reason for me being here, because she is here, and some day I will go with her to find ourselves an untouched ground which will be pure as we step on it, we'll make it ours- peace, love and no war. right?
When I look at those old movies (or even new ones in the 19th century) I think about how women had to have flesh, they looked healthy and cheerful, the cabaret girls. But now they have to be covered with nothing BuT bones, they have to have a serious face so we'll think they're intelligent, not so nice.. but I guess today they have different faces, so it comes with advantages.
I wish I could wear dresses and be a lady, I think it's me, although I'm not gentle or weary with manners I am modest and modesty is not modern, then I guess I'm in the past. It's a problem to be surrounded by people who have 100% self confidence, since I don't like these people and they don't find any challenge in me, I don't speak to them because I don't want to listen to their glorious stories about their amazing new braw.. and they see in me no listener, and they, of course, never listen. n.e.v.e.r. but hey, that's so normal, then of course it is ok..
There's a girl in my class who I really hate, everything she says is so stupid but she thinks that she's the smartest person on earth..argh! and I sat infront of her, I was bored and I was talking to another girl about a test or something and she was staring at me for a long while and I felt rather uncomfortable, then I looked at her and she said "Wow! you are so so so beautiful!! wow!" and I put my head down and said "umm..no..no.." and she said it again and again and told others to look at me and I told her "no.." so I got up feeling uneasy and went to the other side of the class, talked to some people just casually (that's what I do with everyone..), I can't accept compliments. folly, that's what I call it, or maybe it's another mental interference.
People can't talk to me and I can't talk to them. I'm so..different, I'm beyond shallow conversations. once I could talk about these matters with Sivan but now with no one. And when I say Shallow I don't mean just the "eye shadow conflict" issues, I also mean bigger issues which can be thought as important and philosophical. Because when *they* talk about it, it becomes so pretentious, everyone's trying to be so smart and there is no actual thinking in these conversations, only voided opinions and no listening. Nothing can be wise unless it listens, and in these conversations there is only one person, and a group of listeners who worship that speaker if he has a charismatic character or constant speeches. I think that I've reached a situation where I talk only in a cynical tone, complaining, accepting with a sigh with the rest who do so or I only sit with the ones I find overnice and agreeable and just laugh with them on the word.
The term of "soul talks" has changed massively in this year, every person's first conversation was a whole revealing of the psyche, and that was because there was nothing else to talk about..and I didn't feel comfortable with it yet I did it, but no one ever understands me, the furst thing I said in these conversations was : " I am different, you won't meet anyone like me and it's your judgement to decidfe if it's good or bad." and it's so stupid to develope these talks with complete strangers, and I knew it has changed for me ever since I stopped mentioning that I'm not Jewish. You don't need to force anything, and you just can't talk that way to people who don't understand it anyway, or maybe they just don't care too much. if it's important then it should stay inside until it's time to scream it out. And the only person who ever understood me in every way was and is is is Odelya, my Odelya. I think it's somewhat of a discovery..I could say that my cousin Diana is my blood mate, she sees inside the soul as no one can, no one. But although she told me that I'm the closest person to her in the world, she never answered my letter, because she has a child and a life and she doesn't need me in it. It is insulting, I was really mad about that because I wrote her in the letter that I need her so much and..I got no response. I haven't heard from her since August 1999. a long time of misery, no..not at all, I found my love, and I guess Diana knows at someplace that I need to go through things on my own, she knew I will find my illumination. I carry her with me everywhere I go but I doubt it if she does that too.. I guess that in the soul business..there are no accounts. And then there was my other cousin Piti who was the dearest person to me 2 years ago but ..after I've changed he went away and then I changed back and he is still so incredibly wise but his wisdom which was once so remarcable is now pure cynicism. it happens, I think that when the real life hits your face you can't be a philosopher, you turn to be a laborer like the rest of the good guys. Once we had such beautiful talks, and now he's a stranger to me and I am sure in his case that he never thinks about me. That's my beautiful family..CHEERS everyone.
I never heard from him ever since he told us that he's getting married, and I guess I wasn't interested enough to call..it will be too strange. He let us know in a one-line e-mail, that says everything.

In the background there's classical music, I missed it. wait, I am going to put my Vivaldi seasons. ah! couldn't find it..where has it been? so I put my classical collection, wow..every piece reminds me of an ice skating dance. I'm addicted, so beautiful.
My parents are going now to the forest, I decided not to go, I want to stay here with my Odelya, some privacy, I can't believe it! Heaven!
I feel good I think...I don't know..this music scares me, Beethoven can be so frightening sometimes, but I forgive Ludwig, we had some nice times together, I will remember that for sure.

Right now there's no one I need but my Odelya, Yael and me..she doesn't need me anymore, I'm a hard person, and she just needs to overcome this phase of hers with other people. I have a feeling that she will come back to me but I'm not so sure, I think that if we lived together she would find me so irritating because she always finds happiness in buying things and I don't have money. I guess she would be mad at me & say "can't you just watch me buying things? you're so selfish" but I don't think I can..I'm like any other girl, I want to buy me things too, or at least buy my Odi things but what can I do- I am broke.Sivan and me..it's not working anymore, I come to her for once in a while but her friends changed her, she became like them and I feared that so much. She doesn't have a strong power of will and I feared for her, it is so sad.. but now I know it's not important, I took a note that was on her desk and I read it, it was written in a horrible slang, so superficial and she signed it with "you're so cute, so awsome (in a horrible slang that was)" and then she said " and know that you're my best friend "

And I put the letter on the desk, Sivan entered the room and told me :" wow, I look so great in that"

And I wanted to tell her that she doesn't, because it's not her anymore, it's just..them.