I'm proud of myself today..I really am. Not that I have any special reason..or maybe I do, but I am. Still I haven't prooved anything to myself, there's a curved path infront of me and I hope that it'll all be good..will the wind blow my way? will I make friends with her? all I can do is hope or know, and now I only hope..maybe tomorrow I'll even know.
We got report cards today, after 6 months of eternal frustration.. this year is harder than any year I had before and it is hard to get good grades you know..still I am the first from all of the students in all of the classes. me, Natalie, I'm the first, could you beileve it?
So we have 10 subjects and here's what I got..I have to write it, you can skip if you want:)
try to be happy, I think it's healthy for you.
always, here and now
N a t a l i e
A person thinks that he's nothing and then he's nothing but ..in a bright light, I don't judge myself by my grades but I do know that it means something to me. not wisdom maybe but I'm wise for knowing how to do my best and how to conquere the school's horror.
literature, math, physics, biology, Hebrew grammar, English, country knowledge and history= 100
And gym=80...Errgh...what can I say, I don't climb ladders all that good and besides I skipped two important tests..didn't feel like making a fool out of myself.
When people saw my report card they looked at me and said "ARE YOU HUMAN?????" and I said " well..yeah..I think.." some of them cursed me ( the girl I hate most called me "you bitch!"..I tend not to take it seriously since she was joking but still..) and some of them stayed with their eyes wide open and just kept silent in their shocking moments. One bitch who I hate so much told me in this savage sacrastic tone " I understand that you have such a blessed social life " and I said " well dear, some of us don't need to study in order to get a silly 100 in a report card " then she shut up and I went to talk with one of my best friends who's really a neat guy. His friend who's a really smart person told me "why didn't you go to a better school? like the one near the university? as I see it you're extremely smart.." and I said "oh..I don't know..I don't mind really".
But I have to say that the thing that touched me the most is my wonderful wonderful teacher Rachel who is also my biology teacher who told me that she's proud and when we went to shake the principal's and the teacher's hands, I did it as always in the most modest way and she just came and hugged me.
I think that she's one of the few that really understand my native behavior. She understands that I'm not like the rest, that I'm too afraid of me, that I have the lowest self esteem and that I think that I don't deserve anything. And she believes in me more than any of them do.
My physics teacher also told me that she believes in me, she was the first person who told me that I'm special and that she sees so much wisdom in my eyes. In the end of last year she came to me and my parents in our graduation party and told them " you have a beautiful, charming, smart girl, and she's too humble, she can do everything that she wants, she contains all of the good in her. I try to make her see it. She is my favorite girl in the school, take care of her " and she laughed and I felt so good. I had also a bible teacher which was my illumination last year.. it's too complicated to talk about her, she deserves an entire entry to herself so I will do that sometime. She also told me..she was the most amazing person and I guess she still is.. only that I wouldn't know, I haven't seen her ever since. It hurts me so much but life goes on, and she wasn't as attached to me I guess..as I was, that's ok, I understand, I'm only one out of many and she was a person who loved every entity.
sad..I need to march near the bayous, I need to move on. And I did.
One of my friends got an average of 79.9 and she was only 0.1 points away from getting a " good student diploma". I felt so bad for her because she is a clever girl. She got 50 in French which means she failed..but some people can't absorb langueges..it's a fact and the damn school won't let them out, everything's made for taking all our body's fluids, it's all gone anyway, what do they have to take?
It is sunny outside and there is not even one cloud in the clear sky. it can be so beautiful if there's a bird flying at the top of our heads but if it's only endless blue, you get lost in that blue somehow. If there's a cloud, you can always remember where you started and where you can go back.
Yesterday my history teacher was so thrilled over me, because I mentioned Nietzsche. We discussed philosophy during the whole lesson and even after it and the class didn't get a thing ( how surprising..), he was amazed I think, because he's somewhat men praiser, he makes jokes about women but in a cynical way- he's such a wise person, he wants us to rage because he wants our minds to work better, that's why he makes all of his extreme statements, because he wants us to pay attention. He's quite an interesting figure, he's so young and he's going to be a doctor..whoa! :) I'm in a good mood now, can you see it?
I have many to tell but for now I want to keep this sweet taste in my mouth, I want to make this day or at least these seconds my own, I want to make them not final..and although it will change, now it is good.