It is 11:02 PM right now..
And I had such an awful day..but parts of it..parts of it were really good,
it reminded me of the time when I loved staying with my friends and babble about things..now when Odelya is the only one person in my life who I spend most of my time with, now I forgot how other people taste like.
I have to admit they can never ever reach even a glimpse of her, but sometimes they can help me cope with my pain.. when I think that things are not bad as they seem right now.
And they are.

I'm tired, my eyes are dried with tears.. I have so much to write and the least strength in my palm..now when the rain isn't dropping on it, it's also dry..everything is, so dry.

I love Odelya so much, I don't deserve such an incredible person..I don't.
just had to say it.

I went to Marina today, she's a friend of mine who I missed, I've really missed. She was mean last year and she was also my best friend and now we're again, like before, so great together..she's really sweet..a sweet girl. She is not like everyone else, I guess it's because her house kept the russian style and didn't hurry to rush everything into modern bubbles, it isn't what they make it, it's not.
Her house sent me shivers of good, and safety and her parents are so kind and pure, and she's also..she is. It might change 2 months from now but..it's nice to feel this way again.
Last year I used to come to her almost everyday, and we had such fun..we did. I guess that when people are spending too much time with each other they're getting on each other's nerves, especially if there's a third part in this situation. So I was waiting for a bus because although she lives near by it's scary to walk in the dark among all of the scary people and the wiggly women's wigs all around. And it scared me..it did.
I was sitting, and I watched how everything's changing except for me. I remember that in one of my favorite films "smoke" the man took pictures of the same street spot day by day, year after year and watched how life's going by, how the woman who passed in one year didn't pass there anymore in the other, she had died or left or..turned into another figure in someone's folly. And everything was changing as I saw it.. I looked how a little child is making his way out of the pavement, so lovely, in such anxiety, as if he's exposed to that gray stone for the first time.. for them everything's exciting. I envy that.
And I thought about how his mother let him go around like this in the dark and how no director could make an actor-child to walk this way unnaturally, they have to understand, natural stays natural. You can't keep nature behind bars.

And then I saw an old man and he looked just like the one who sat by me in the bus today..and he walked infront of me and then 10 minutes later he walked the other way around, and I thought to myself what does he have to do in the street in such hour, is he alone, does he need space to forget, does he need company, does he want to see all the life's beauty in the street?
people usually suspect pass by's, they can never trust them.. but what is their connection to these people anyway? once they're a part of their view and in the other minute they're gone and out of the consciousness for good. But everyone has to think that everything is about him.
This nice old man with the hat was very nice, not many are brave enough to go out of their homes and witness other's suspicions..it's hard sometimes when you know that there are only 2 people in the street, you and another one. And you know that he's aware of you just as much..and you don't like it..at least..I don't know if you should.
cars went by and buses went by and my bus didn't arrive.. And I thought to myself " don't quit, Natalie!! don't do this to yourself! you're not a quitter, wait for the bus, wait for it, it will arrive, wait for it" And it didn't arrive..
I went back home.
Then at home I called Marina but her mom told me that she's out waiting for me so I went out to the station again and there was my bus..it was strange indeed.

When I sat there at the first time there were two children 3 meters near me sitting on a little rock fence behing the station. I had this airy feeling inside..like they're watching me, like they're protecting me. it's like..once they saw a girl telling a naughty driver to f*** off and then they decided that everytime they see a girl who's alone, they have to wait and concern for her safety. I did feel safe, but I was so focused in the fact that they're watching and when I looked behind I saw that they're not even there..
Never sit in a bus station alone..

These red long liquorish warms don't come when you want them too
they're fast fast fast like a snake candy between your teeth, it's so sweet and so slippery and you never get to chew it until the last minute, you always swallow before it's time..

Do you want to wait? do you have time?

look at the clock..
ticking
ticking again
once more

is it enough yet> another time maybe

no, I don't think so.

Never.