we have just finished eating..and it's funny how everytime we eat, the most disgusting issues come up. We're so used to it..we wonder sometimes how can it be. But maybe it's just because it's the only time when the whole family is together, me, my sister, her boyfriend and our parents. This week's issue was about a single friend of my mom that hasn't found a guy and is yearning for it for quite a long time now. She's living on her own, she's 31 and she's alone. maybe she isn't the most beautiful girl in the world but I don't think it matters, I think everyone deserves happiness and I believe that every woman has something beautiful in her, every woman can be beautiful.
so I said that she's better go to the sperm bank and try to have a baby that way because she's running our of time. And then my sister said " nonsense Natalie, a child can't bring any joy to anyone! think about the whole time of you and mom, was she ever satisfied with you? did you ever feel that she is proud and content with your doings? no, and that's because a child is just a burden, such an immense expense, and such an annoying thing, people don't need a child, it only makes everything more complicated."
So I told her, " you're not right! (mom said that she is satisfied with me then), why do you think that people bring children? they need to know that they have something left in here, and also, it's something that will love them with no conditions and they will get stronger knowing that they're everything to that child, they need to forget their ego and share their happiness with a little thing that can be such pleasure to them.
If that woman is alone and doesn't have anyone, why won't she have a child? it can be such a thrill and spice in her life."
And then my mom said that it's hard to raise a child all alone and without someone to support it. I still think that is she's living in misery, it can solve some problems..well..I don't know, what do you think? I am really curious.

still I have to study and still I haven't opened any book..I don't feel like it, I guess I can concentrate better in night when all I can hear is the moon's whispers in my ears. The snow is almost gone. I can still see some white crumbs on the green grass ( yesterday even the grass was white) but I know that it is gone. Tomorrow everything will go back to order.
history
gym
English
grammar

did you notice that we have to explain everything in one language? But I think that everything has the same language..there are some things right now that every person would be able to understand.. an eye's passion, a lips' craving..language is another border between us and the whole universe, one more thing we have to decipher, one more string we have to take off. But when we learn how to speak without language, when we learn the language of the world, then we can be everything we want, we could talk to everything, and we could become the rain, the wind, the strom, or even the silence, the stillness and the reticent warmth. Can you feel it now? can you speak to them? and..can you understand their answers?

not yet, but soon enough, it will all be good, it will all be whole.

Everytime I can't speak to Odi I write her a letter, and today I did..I put love in every word, even if it's a small word like "if" and even if it's a long world like "decapitation" although I am trying not to use that word all that much *vicious vicious I know*.

At dusk
The princess will step out her carriage
With the blackest hair and the sharpest stare
She will walk with her torn jeans and her yesterday's bandage from the fight with her demons
She will step right to the hammock, to the red tree that is smiling so brightly
She will call the tigers to fight her now, when she's so in control
She will light one cigarette and will never smoke it, just 'cause she wants to feel the fire outside
She will lay bare infront of the trees and the skies
And while they are getting black, she will get so white
no jeans
no wounds
one lightening
nothing's the same
but the black girl with the cigarette that was never lighten and will never fade away.

she looks so still, as if someone painted two red spots on her white chicks
crib death, no one's shaking her cradle ever more
Her hand is there
tingled wind, she's alive.
welcome.

I don't know really what I wrote just here..it felt good though, can you see it? can you?

nevermore
Natalie

22:00 I've just talked to Yael and I have to say- I love her soooo much!!!! yes, she's the greatest, oh and Yael- wanna ride on a cow's back with Roberto and Stotsa again? I enjoyed it, I really did!
good night...