[.in my ears.] The mighty Kurt Cobain. Isn't he a god? isn't he?? Yes, now I know, "nevermind" is the next cd I'm gonna buy, I have it on tape but..I want a cd. "girl" is puncturing my air, d.i.v.i.n.e. can't be anything else but perfect.
[.general feeling.] I am fine, my stomach hurts so bad..I ate too much corn today but I'm a little gloomy and a little happy. gloomy because of my flawed personality and happy because of the joy in me when I hear "Nirvana", Kurt's voice, gloomy also because I have a test in math on tuesday and I do nothing about it and don't even care, I think i should care...
maybe not today...hey, I really think Kurt made me in a suicidal mood..well he was the best in it..
Another saturday...
Seems like only yesterday I wrote about last saturday..what is it? I can't feel time AT ALL, can't I slip away instead of time? can't I win the battle? Why is it so hard to win time? all I need is a sword and courage..right now I have none of the above, does a kitchen knife count?
I lack something but can't point my finger on one thing, I guess there's so much in me that I can change so I don't know where to start. I don't know how to change either, I get mad easily or I am too relaxed..I prefer the extremes on the middle though, if I'm in the middle I break down so easily, then I'm really confused.
my hands are so cold, they're partly paralyzed, I can't press the keyboards properly, my window is open to the sun but my hands stay like a glacier, I kiss them and they're still cold,
What can you do when they're cold? you have to let them be in their temperature..or else they'll become even colder.
the nonsese I write, very worrying.
I think I have serious mental problems, really I do. I never thought I have mental problems, I mean..I knew I'm different, too sad, too insane, too much in my own self and not in the outside world. But in each day I realize that I have problems. I finished talking with Odelya, she made me mad so I went, and 10 minutes after I hanged up I stayed still in my spot and gazed at nothing at all, my mind was drained. After I realized what I am doing I stuffed my head in the pillow and sighed. Then I came here..this nice place, so friendly, with only me in it. Like Alice when she was in Wonderland and she had all these doors to open and potions to drink, alone. So I'm here alone, introducing myself to myself and the bottles, I bow and ask "how do you do" like a good girl. I am sitting on the single chair infront of these poisonous fumes and start drinking.
Lucky me, there's no one near to tell me to STOP, no, there are no traffic lights or road signs, there's nothing in the way, as I said, really friendly. They all let me drown because *I* want to, they don't interfere. Yeh I know that there's no one here but if there were so they wouldn't stop me for sure, besides, they're not here by choice. Alice's doors were open, and also mine. I drink one red bottle and another, my eyes become yellow so I drink again, maybe I would reach the white. I get up half bent over, looking for the right door which I couldn't open when I was sober, wherever I fall, that is the door for me.
I continue my 1 meter journey, I know that I'll fall right away, it is so quiet and no one is watching. heh, it's so great, I think I could even curse and no one would hear me. So I imagine that I cursed and did a lot of forbidden things, no one will know if I really did or didn't and for me it's just the same to do or not to do, I have no energy anyway.
I fall.
the door had to open, they wrote it in every story, it has to open. BUT it's locked. Now what?
So I move my head a bit to the nice view of the wooden handle, I look at it and imagine again how it will be so wonderful if it opened. I picture antelopes and unicorns and dancing..more dancing..I'm so straight in my dream..not bent over..and I smile, even in reality when my head is on the floor..actually I don't really know where it is. And with that smile a drop of red potion is falling and burning the ground. I say "pardon me, I have to be excused, something came up" then I forgive myself and shake my hand,
I open the door
and move on.