I am climbing my strings and I’m reaching this wide violin. Mama never taught me how to play, she wanted me to be a little girl with solid hands. But I always wanted to do the violin, I practiced for months in my dreams until I finally got to hold one string, until I had my arrows

But I didn’t know how to shoot, and sadly I still don’t.

I need to study now but I don’t want to do it, studying seems so useless when I know that nothing can help me now. Grades came easily to me once but now I am not ready for a struggle.. and I am looking at this screen instead of staring at the things that matter. Mom and Dad are taking all the winter clothes out, I wonder why they didn’t do so when I told them that I am cold. These round black spots surrounding my eyes, they say it’s pretty while all I do is hide my green. I never wash it off, like I want it to stay along with myself, but the water can always fool me into thinking it’s not there anymore but I can’t escape myself, I have myself to fear ( oh Tori). The sound of phone and I’m humming quietly, this sound of vomit is making new music to my ears. Nothing’s coming in, only out out out until it’s dead or at least alive someplace else. In me everything’s dying , in me there’s no chance to get out. As always I’m looking outside, and it’s always so hard in the mornings when there’s no moon to cry in, everyone is so afraid to look at the sun , everyone is so the same.

Courtney screamed “ we even fuck the same, we are the same..” and that’s really the main idea of humanity. If someone wants to be himself, he has to run away from this cage and the chains can’t go away.. but sometimes you can control your chains and you can attach them to someone else , as I did with A., we are always together even if sometimes we are the worst bitches in the world. But that’s why we’re the only ones for each other, we always come back even if we are 1000 oceans away. Ahhhh!!! I don’t want to do it!!! I don’t want to study!!! I don’t want to explore my organs, I don’t want to ruin it all!!! In this moment of stillness I have nothing but worries of what will happen if I don’t, of what is happening right now! Damn it!! Damn this thing!!
I can’t scream enough

I am all so quiet inside, until I will probably end up at a cave somewhere, in my last sight of light.

Maybe it could be better if I screamed…

Maybe not

Slave of the morn