I don't have much time to write..ahh..I just need this.

I am back to my "downward spiral" and it's really what I needed, every bit of it, oh mama!
Trent has it all, yes yes yes. sometimes I understand myself better only a long time after I discover something about me and today I know why I got this cd, I just love the damn thing!
love as in..love, I mean, not love love but just love..you know..:) heh heh, that's funny, only oe word for a thing that is so complicated. I would not use this word but then what will I say when it comes to situations when I have to say " I love that movie!, I love that cheese, I love this color " because loving a color is not anything like loving a person. I don't know about loving a person, the only true love in me is for my wife, and every other thing should have another word, or maybe I need to make up a new word for my immense feelings..new word..like...buffalo.
Odi promised to call yet she doesn't. I find myself writing her poems everytime she's late in calling me, my pain drives my clouds higher, until they reach my brain and make it write, my whole body tells it how it feels and the hand is writing, words unshaped, but still words.
I'm listening to " I do not want this " which is my favorite NIN song ( in lyrics anyway ) but I wonder if he really does feel these feelings. after all, all these "suffering-blue" rock stars have everything, and you read their words and you think how true it is, yet you don't get how can it be true for them.
About 2 weeks ago I went to Sivan's place and she said "I wonder sometimes what do people do right now while we're doing other things" and I said "that's exactly what I think! when I.." and she stopped me (she doesn't like to listen..) and said "yes..these celebrities, what do they do?" and I meant the ordinary people, I don't care about these rich brats, I care about the people I see in the streets (which reminds me I was not in the streets for about an era now!) I wonder if our minds work the same, what do they think about, if they wonder about beauty and ugliness, if they are, as me, becoming.
I don't know why but sometimes I have these moments of muse, like when I do my chemistry exercises and succeed in all because it clicks. but sometimes I have no confidence in me, I think that everything is confusing, that I forget everything, that I don't understand, that I just can't understand. sometimes my cells seem to disappear and sometimes I feel like they're working over-time.
we had a test in french, which was a pop-up test...for 45 people (30 of them had just joined us because their teacher was fired and I feel so bad about it. I will take 5 units next year and Idon't want to be in the back, I want to be good in what I do.) and I'm the only one who got "Excellent", everyone else got "tres bien" and it's weird I think because it wasn't even hard. I can't understand them, but I can't even understand myself. I'm sick of studying, and I *must* read my damn english book but again I do not do it, just because I don't feel like it. nope, not today!
3 days left, will I make it?
these horrible phone bills are keeping me and my love apart and it's tearing me apart, why can't we be, why can't we? not fair, nothing is fair and everything, how not, is against the private bloody made of the uncertainty- me.
I feel like I'm stuck in my place, how can I progress when all I do is move from one test to another? I want to go out, to breathe some air, at least to take a walk, not a long one, to listen to my earth.
I don't know where have I been all the time so I don't know my location even now, I just know that I'm far from everything that is important to me. and I don't know what that is anymore, too far to realize. I'm bored with this perfect string of life that is strangling me, red blood is making nice shades on the wooden floor, absorbed in the cracks of this tale, and my mouth is open, ready for it,

drop by drop
drink it all
and bon voyage.

my eyes open just for the habit and not for the meaning of actually seeing something interesting, my legs are moving as a simple routine, not because they really can get anywhere.

no oasis.
only..an enormous factory that derives nothing but the people have to be paid and the others have to be powerful. that's our world, welcome back.

I see the stoned people on the grass and I think "that's not the way"
and I see the people who are all together, can't get into one's own mind
then how can it be solved? yes, you can say it's my own problem but me is me and that's why this problem is everything. being objective just doesn't work, tell me really, can anyone be?

ask yourself one thing