*tell me you're crazy, maybe I'll understand*

listening to TOri now..Shush..

these Chocolate chips cookies are addicting, oooh one more sin to my lemon pie.
The teacher let us go earlier today, which is such a thrill I have to say, such a thrill! It's like I'm moving from one page to another in a book that stacked all the pictures together and hid them. Studying..always. on Friday- a biology test, today- an english quiz, tomorrow- a math quiz, the day after tomorrow- a test in chemistry, the day after - sociology paper, the day after - english book report..I can't take it anymore, where exactly is * ME* in this fire torus? as always- nowhere I can see.
at last me and my wife were together yesterday and the day before..so magical is my time with her, my cynical beautiful creature. how I love my Odelya, oh I do I do I do!
Today I looked at myself in the bus's mirror, and I usually don't do it because I am afraid of the horror.. since actually I don't put any make up and I look as natural as I can get and on these moments I was so beautiful, my eyes tipped light on my whole face, I belong to the wild nature, not to the noisy streets. it is strange, everything about me is strange, I usually don't like the way I look because I think I need to do more things with myself, to put stuff on my hair or special lipsticks on my mouth but only when I don't do it I feel good with myself, sometimes... and I was so surprised when Odelya's mother, who is ~as far as I see it~ as honest as possible, she speaks her mind everytime, there you ask yourself if being tactless and real 100% is good, but eitherway she told me that I'm so beautiful and said (seriously..which was the surprising part) that I should go to the beauty queen contest and my wife said "she's too smart for that" and me ..I said "yeah..aha..I'm so pretty I can conquer the world" but I..I was damn cynical. I don't really care about my looks anymore, because the only person for me to be beautiful for is my wife, and I want to be as real as I can, to show all I have, at least on the outside, without some priced mascaras, someone should not try to make himself beautiful if he thinks that the make up does the job. if you are beautiful, that's what you are. if you're not, you can still be, but first, work on your deepest gutters. they need some caring, I think.
I wanted to watch "fame" but..it means I have to get up of this chair and go and waste the time I have left to be with..myself or at least without the dusty books.

I have to say that I DESPISE the word CuTe!!!! these stupid girls from my class say that for everything, "oh you're so cute!!!!"-"oh you cute thing!!!!"- "how CUTE!!!"- - and I totally absolutely hate this damn word, argh! enough with that! it's so..ugly! today one girl from my class told me this insulting thing and I told her calmly that if she says it one more time she will get a chair in the head. I think that my class-mates see me as the weird-evil-spiritual-not understandable part of the class. I don't talk to people who bore me and I never do what they think is right. They have a problem with that I guess, but I voice my thoughts loudly , if they have a problem with that, great. I hate it when they turn to me and ask for things, I'm not a part of their sick games of popularity and I'm serious, if someone ever tells me "such a cutie!" I will kill the girl.
{listening to "waitress" now..}
The problem with people is that they have NO respect for anyone but themselves and their identical sisters..
and I think that because I keep my distance from them, at least they can apprach me with a dignified tone, but they have no ability to really think it over, for them everyone deserves a treatment of garbage. girls aren't girls anymore, they talk like barbaric beasts, it's like all these girls who were pulling each other's hair in the childhood time, now it's with shouting, yes..mature. I never shout at them, I just tell them "get out of here, I don't want to see you infront of me so please go befure I make you go" and I said that to one bimbo from my class, she didn't go so I hit her. I also hit her at gym class when she beated me with her hand in the back, I think she still has me nails signs on her hand. I just want them to stop, to stop.
it's like there's this one genius in my class and I treat him with most respect, he has such a brain, and if someone turns to him as if he's one more stupid seller in the market I tell them "shut up". I wonder if these things bother him sometimes...this week we started to talk..he even asked me questions about the tests we had, I guess he also thinks of me as I think of him. I call that respect.
I miss some people and then I don't. I hate some people and then I don't. but when I decide that I love someone it never changes..not if my love is real. of course what me and Odelya have is more than love, it's an eternal bond of shared souls. oh..we watched " Shakespeare in love " yesterday and it was so beautiful. I mean..the parts without Gweneth. but I think even Gweneth couldn't irritate me there. even when me, my Odelya and her family watch t.v or do anything else..it feels so good, to do everything with her. I wish I could, every time, forever.
I love her sisters, they make me laugh, one with her black humor and the other with her life's gaiety..my family doesn't have these kinds of relationships. At least not my sister and me, it makes me sad. I love my sister but she's so different than me, I'm so closed in my world and she wants to breathe every part of the external world, to be so new, so updated, so..far away from her heart. sometimes I wonder if it exists, if she has feelings. but i know she does.. I don't know why, she makes me happy sometimes. her world talks, her casual conversations about her dog or about the fresh news..or things that make her happy like a new product or a new dress she bought. But I barey see her and she doesn't like me so much, I mean..she knows I'm her sister, she sometimes talks to me about these superficial matters but..everyone's so afraid to get a bit deeper with me, into my black soul. they think it's too dangerous, they think I harm myself with thoughts, and they think..differently than I do. everyone does.
I always ask them serious questions and they answer with "was the food good?" but that's in great cases..when they answer..
usually they never answer, but I don't really care, not anymore.

i used to care tho, I don't remember the day I stopped caring, I guess I didn't even care about that anymore.
I will go now, back to this enormous world, back to my world
there are no beautiful oe lines, only disgusting wall writings and tatoos..everywhere you can see.
I'm twisting this white day, sometimes I think it is all a night that never ends.
but every night has only one moon, and this moon is..

I really don't know. but,
it shines