I had the test in math today, that test was the most major test in the whole year and it was kind of scary..kind of.. but I lived ooooh I lived!! I don't know if it went good or not but I feel good to be over it. That's the best feeling in the world!
We got our chemistry tests today and I got a round 100! it made me so happy, I was the only one and I was so happy for it, because I worked for it...I think. Why am I so insecure? oh I don't know, but I'm happy! Tomorrow there's No School which makes me even happier..maybe. again I hesitated, but I have my reasons.
I thought that I could go to my wife tomorrow but she said that she can't miss school...I am so sad, she doesn't care..today all she'll do is study and forget about my existence. She can't listen through her glass walls, only see me breathing with lofty intoxication..I can accept all the evil today, is there any other choice anyway?
So I'm free and I need to believe in my continuation..blah blah, neverminders.
I'm going shopping today, finally after months of waiting..I had no time at all, and I sure need some new clothes. I am going with my mom, but that's ok I guess..in that way I'm not so limited with my money, mom covers it. And I miss my Odelya.. I wish I could come to her, but she doesn't want me there because she needs to study. damn studying ok? why does it have to come between us? So ok..I guess I'll have to find something else for tomorrow...but what will I do? I want to put on a short vest, to feel the sun burning on my skin and make friends with nature.
When everything's good (everything is mostly the weather that puts me in a high atmosphere) I don't want to write, it seems useless to sit here behind the screen and not go out to the big world and conquer it.
~*~*today~*~*
It is shocking how nightmares are driven away in the morning. all the stars and the sky can't protect a fragile mind in its sleep, everything can attack and the mind can't defend evil's victory. all the fears and the sadness come and prey the victim, they devour the dreams and the star-dust and they leave only fright..then they're sated.
I dreamt an awful dream last night, something I felt so horrible with. I got up and my eyes were with tears, I checked to see if I'm alive, in the dream I was not. at night when you're so pure, then you can't think with reason, there are only emotions. Even if I think about this dream now it is so awful but so much less..we are the victims of the night.
it was 4:00 AM and I had to call my wife to see that she's there, that she still loves me, that she won't walk away. And I thought to myself that I can't call in this hour, she has a test tomorrow and why would she care about my stupid dream? I'm such a child. But I don't know why, I walked to the phone and I dialed her number slowly under my pillow so no one will hear the phone's sounds..and I waited.... - my wife answered me -. In my dream she was so evil, but her voice is so tender and heavenly. I told her that I'm sorry for calling but I had to. And I started to cry. I told her that I dreamt a bad dream. I only called her after I have written it down so I won't forget it...I don't know why but it seemed important to me that she will know its content. I'll send it to her along with a letter I wrote her..
She said "I love you" and again, and again and I felt that the monster in my dream couldn't be my wife. After all this dream is my own creation..that explains it. I'm so insane, my mind if sull of things that no one can think of. Maybe drugged people..but..what does it say about me?
I sometimes feel that she has wings that cover me up from all the disasters but when she is going, I have nothing to shade on me, I have nothing to hold, no one who can salvage me. She's the only one who can. And I feel like I always need her protection, then how can I be her wife when I act like a little child who's afraid of the dark? She calmed me a little, and told me to take one of my stuffed animals...they can keep the bad dreams away. So I took my Koala, this friendly doll of mine who I love so much, and embraced close to my chest, I closed my eyes, and..fell asleep.
sweet dreams are made of what? I didn't understand this song...maybe there's nothing to understand.
I went shopping yesterday, all I thought is what would my love think about me in it..it was the only thing I could think of since I felt suffering not being with her. I'm happy with what I bought..I finally havbe a style of my own, I deserted my cult's clothes and now I'm just....me. it feels really good. I won't wear orange pants, I don't want to glow in the night. I just want to be me, and my clothes are the same- dark, cynical and full of lige. surprised? well, it's possible, I know.
I will try to take some pictures...but my sister is taking the good camera with her to the US, she's flying there in 2 weeks. wow I envy her, but at least I'll have her dog for a whole month. She's coming back in my birthday...well I don't want to celebrate my birthday...in a month , it's in a month. How funny..I told you, time is running, it is slipping away. I also wrote something on the 26th but I don't want to put it here, too full of hate for my class, I'm sick of it. Besides I have a free day today, I need to finish my english book (yuck Dickens...I took a 2 weeks break fromm this horror) and to do something on a sociology article. I have to say that I really hate sociology, it's getting on my nerves. I call it: the whole science of nothingness. Which is really the truth...
Oh I also bought myself such a cool hat, I love hats. Ever since I realized I can't wear my cowboy hat when I Want to....I am looking for replacement. So I feel ok..I don't know..I don't care how I feel though, I have to belong, don't I?
Everytime people offer me something I tell them "can't. need to study" and it's true..I hate studying, in the bus yesterday I was with my mom and we met this old friend of hers from the old days..and they talked. My mom told her that I study amazingly well, that I *love* to study and I said "no I don't" and she continued so I said " I don't *love* to study, I just do what I have to do." and this friend said "you 2 are friends ?" (meaning me and my mom) and I laughed a laugh that says "As if....right............" and my mom talked in her regular hypocritical way and laughed her hypocritical laugh with her hypocritical face and said "aha...". She criticizes everything and she really annoys my father also. She has something bad to say about everything in the world, she's so bitter. I bet she would love to be a country girl, she doesn't like reason or even reality. She always feels haunted and she is always sure that the worst things happen to her. On saturday when me and my father made ourselves an orange juice she said that she is dizzy and that she can't even remember words. so I said " it's normal, it happens to me all the time" so she said "no! but with me it's horrible, it's in the brain" so I told her "everything is from the brain, don't worry, it happens to everyone" and she got so mad that I don't buy this show and answer her like that so she told me not to speak...oooh....and I think that all town knows about her cholesterol problems. She convinces herself that she's suffering from everything in the world..she has problems, real ones. I really hate her hypocritical face. I even tell her that.
When I read "the imaginary patient" I thought about her...she's Argan..
Oh I can't write anymore, I think I'm depressed..I don't know, I should ask my other self
I think that I can see things from the view point of eternity..."Sophie's world" I think I understand.
We are alone on stage tonight..
Natalie