So it will be really short today, because I can't concentrate on anything but my Odelya and last night. oooooh, such passion, I won't try to describe something that magical, all I have to do now is cry or sink in misery or hope for better days to come..why aren't we together? why do we have to hide? why do people look for ways to hide everything that is so perfect?
no, there is no " everything" there is only "us"- me and Odelya.
I won't say much right now, I love Odelya so much, I love her I love her I love her I love her..my crazy little witch..I still can feel her taste in my tongue.
I will write later when my mind is clear..
Natalie
3:00 PM- few more thoughts I don't know why I'm writing but I feel like in any moment now I'm going to flood my room with tears. I am crying..I'm crying so much..but I can't show it, everyone is here- my father, my mother, my sister, my sister's boyfriend and the 2 dogs of ours. And I can't cry infront of them. They never understand me. I miss Odelya so much it scares me and I can't even talk to her without wanting to cry again, even if I do calm down for 5 minutes she breaks every brick and exposes my eyes to the many seas of mystery that are hidden in them. Odelya has just called and said that someone's following her, he was following her last year until she stopped working at her working place and moved to the dorms of the uni and today she saw him again, he recognized her and told her these horrible things..you know..you have to know what he has told her. And I was less worried knowing that there ARE maniacs in there but I didn't think that they'll come to my Odi, she needs help now, someone to save her from him and I can't do a bloody thing.THERE"S NOT A FUCKING THING I CAN DO DAMN IT!! NOTHING!!!! ( sorry..I had to). Mom called me to eat so we had to hang up. Odi is never alone so she can't tell me that she loves me..and she says that when she wants to, she doesn't say it sometimes because she knows that she'll cry if she does say it. And me, I'm never alone either, at least not on Friday's and saturday's ( today's friday..) and I still can't stop telling her how much I love her..I'm drifting away, to a worse place, to a place of agony and despaire, to a place of a beating heart that is beating only partly because it is shattered and the pieces of that heart is in another one's heart. my heart beats only when I'm with Odelya, when we become one, when we are one.
Tell me please, please!! what can I do? I'm so hopeless! My father tried to tell a joke on me in the table, and I'm usually such a cynical creature when it comes to these things and today I cried and shut myself in the room. He came and said that he didn't mean anything and I couldn't stop crying, I had to let it go. Today when I went on the bus that took me back to my town from Odi's I started to cry infront of all these people, I'm missing my Odi!! I miss her so much! I can't leave like this anymore. I fear that I'm going to jump over a cliff in a moment of distraction, and then I'll join to the red roses andthistles and thorns and I'll sing my last song while I'm bleeding and donating my life to the world's brilliance. how will I go on like this..I have to study, I have to eat, I have to smile, I have to walk outside, I have to talk to people, I have to talk to myself, and the only thing that I CAN"T do is talking with Odi. everyone's suspecting a little, we're not alone and the world..the world had decided that it is going to do everything it takes for separating us. Only I don't think that anything can do that, I love her toooooo much, I will sacrifice myself for her in anyway I can, I will do anythign she asks.
only that..right now I'm so lonely and she doesn't ask and we both are in our rooms, 2 rooms across the road, none of them is near but we can, oh we can inhale each other's breathes even through these walls, even 2000000 miles away.
I need some words of encouragement, I'm in such a bad shape..if any of you feels like saying something, you can e-mail me here
, until then, I am going to wet my pillow.
sad, so sad
Natalie