I couldn’t know where to look at if I heard something sudden, I am floating with no world around me, I misfit this fortune of theirs, we all buy the same lottery ticket and I have only one number on my ticket, there’s no way to win with one number, you need the whole SiX. But sometimes when I lay on my couch and watch T,V while they’re reading the winning numbers I know when will my number appear. Sometimes I don’t watch because I know that tonight the SiX will be different than the one I have in my trembling hand. But sometimes I know my number so good that I need no whisper of deceive to tell me if it will show. It doesn’t really matter ‘coz I can’t win but the difference between me and all the rest is that even when I know it will show up, I am going to see it pulled strongly out of the jar, I want to see my number on T.V. I want it to be famous. I won’t, after all I am not the one who’s winning.. and maybe it’s not even the goal.

Me and this number, we know each bump in our psyches, sometimes I let it watch the show when it doesn’t win and sometimes it lets me pretend that I win, that I have more than only one number. I personally don’t think that other people get so friendly with their numbers since they change them all the time, or they win- which is the same. I know when my number needs the moments alone, when it wants to win something, to be a part of all the rest.. and I know that it is my fault but I had to buy a ticket once..

Was it my fault that I got only one?

Is it bad?

Am I bad?

it is getting late but I’m not tired. I had homework in history and I didn’t understand one story I had to read, they always try to make things so complicated until they lose their intention. Odi promised that she will call me, and she didn’t.. I am so afraid that she’ll decide to leave me. I know I’m not much and I know that I can’t be enough of anything for anyone, but I love her and I want her .. and instead of telling her that, I’m hiding under silly remarks that don’t even make sense. It could be that she’s bored with me, I know I would be.. I know I already am. Always thinking about the same things, or coming up with these really stupid thoughts, for example today I wanted to ask her if a married couple of women will be forced to testify against each other in court .. and every time I want to ask her “ do you love me ? do you?” and I don’t know if she would tell me when she doesn’t
it has to happen one day, I won’t be able to take it.
Maybe she feels guilty and don’t want to be the cause of any sudden death of mine but I don’t want her to lie to me because I think it’s beter for me to die eitherway since I am alone no matter what I do, if she lies or tells me that she doesn’t love me anymore- still alone, and the “ alone “ term without her scares me more than I can say..

I wouldn’t step on a wet grass if it were red

Natalie P.Ssshh: Odi if you are reading this just know that I love you.. !