~ we can't decide who the villains are 'cause everyone's so pretty ~

I haven't touched my Sheryl Crow cd for ages and now when I did and I wanted to look at the words I found out that there are no written words in the cd cover. these things can really disappoint a man..yeah..they can. the day has almost passed and still it's here waving hello <~err..I took out my redish ring, that's how it is when your jewels are too damn huge>, there are things that can't let go of you. But what am I really..what am I? the only times I feel wanted is around Odi and also when I'm with my little cousins who are so adorable, I love them so much, oh yes. Children always win my heart, is there any doubt in that? if I'm like Holden and Holden is like them..you can simply say that I'm a child myself. But I'm not trying to grow up, I have to state that I do not smoke or drink or show my organs in public..hehe, well I don't. I'm the only person I know who managed to keep his principles in all of this time. Odi too but she's beyond everyone else, so she's not an example, she's her. Eitherway it's so hard now to live like I do, everyone became a spy, they're all interested in who I'm talking with for all of these hours..my grandmother told me something about it today also and surprisingly every damn person in this family knows that I went to Yael's town on thursday and they all suspect that something's wrong. But I believe that no one can understand how can a person develope a relationship with someone he met in here, but it is possible. what can I say..and I don't think it's so awful because there are people everywhere and in here they're more than what they are in reality and some special ones are always more and always so insightful, the pain is real even here and the thoughts are floating everywhere, I don't think it's strange at all. Here everyone's so naked or dressed in the clothes that were picked by the person himself, yes- here you wear a mask but you can leave the rest of the body white and pale so that everyone will see your veins and your arteries and your blood splashed like an ill volcano that needs someone to take care of him. But let's be honest- no one ever wants to take care of a volcano, no wonder they're so mad. the world is so dead, we lost our morals and we're vanishing everyday. We know that though and we just don't care, give us an ax and we'll chop our own head off because it's cool, because it's fun, because it brings rating. I won't chop my head off, no, I think that if I go I'll do it nicely, a dinner in a restaurant ( no fork stabbing yet), a little tour in the hidden garden near by, some useless Hamlet quotes and a sweet high buildings without any porches, I don't want to break a leg or ribs, if I go. I go. I bet you sometimes wonder what is going wherever you'll go when you go. if they party a lot, if they have ordinary norms, if they have religion, if they have a god, if they play cards with Jesus or if they spit on any dead guy they had to study in school- just for fun, and if there's a "they" to begin with, do they have statistics over there? I think that it's all so flooded with all the poor children who died with illness and yellow faces, do they have rooms in there? for the healthy and the morbid? for the worthy and the unworthy? for the villains and the good guys? for women and men? for the straight and all the rest ( twisted,gay..)? boy, that's lots of rooms for one sphere, maybe that's why we're divided to so many things- countries, cities, neighborhoods, houses, computers, sites, letters, heart. I thought today about everything, passed the pages in my head, visited Nietzsche's god, myself, and I saw me standing with a hand that is long enough only to reach out for one person. And that person is someone who wasn't so active in my life for the past month, but she's there inside still, when she go, she comes back, when she comes back, then she goes..but we're still in each other. Ayelet, we haven't disappeared from each other's consciousness and you know, an angel doesn't have to be white, and us, we don't have to be like we think is necessary because when we are, when we just are, without any "almost" or " I don't know"'s then we're more together then when we're "almost the same" or " doubtfully soul-mates"- we don't have to think about it so much..what are you saying dear swan? will you swim with me half the way? I need you in my life, not anything has to be heavy all the time and you're a sprite. I told you that once. sweet ghost of mine. I never could " twist and shout" with anyone, do you think Lennon knew what is he talking about? whoa I don't believe how I could forget about him, he was my idol for so many time, but then when I gave up for my idol concepts I left myself with nothing. Kurt isn't my god anymore, oh no..how could I say that? well, we all grow up. Marilyn Manson is on my wall but is not in my ears and Trent, Trent is somewhere I guess, not right here right now. I look outside and it's not the winter I saw 2 days ago, trees collapsed and screams were dimmed by the sound of thunder. you know, in french "eclair" means lightening and in English it means a cake..sweet cookie with sprinkles of sugar..is lightening so sweet? Once I was in a car at night in Romania in a sort of an uncivilized area and the car swayed from side to side and the sky gasped with anger, and they smashed every cloud, and swooped on every innocent creation, they made the wind flutter with such strength, and they assaulted the kissing stars and you could hear them panting so heavily and they kept sneezing and sneezing until an agitated light came and cut the sky, it was so huge and so frightening, and we were so small and so vulnerable. It almost hit us, that maniacal lightening. I thought it will kill me, but as you can see, it didn't.

Let the sky sneeze on you, but if you can , remember to say " bless you" - we don't want the skies to get mad, do we?