"*~Daddy dear, if I can kill one man why not two? well, nurses smile when you got iron veins you can't stain their pretty shoes.. and is it right, Butterly,they like you better framed and dried *~ " Tori Amos Morning brings with it so much cold..why is that? I guess even the sun has troubles to wake up, who warms her when she's cold? no one really knows.. I guess today you can even rent a pair of 2 huge arms that can warm you when you're all frozen..but even Madonna is right, when you're frozen there's no chance for you if it's not the real sun..we don't want to be mechanical..or..do we?
Today in the morning I got to school at about 6:40 AM and I had a lesson only in 7:25..sometimes when the locks are sealed and the clouds aren't even awake, you start to feel shivers all over, you start to think " what if it was only me in this world. could I use it, could I take care of it, could I be the sun, the sky and the breathing ground. could I kiss the stars and light their radiating halo, could I be only me and could I be apart from the rest of me that is in all of the continuing phenomenons that are never paralyzed, even when nothing happens" and I walked in the streets, from left to right, from right to left, not a soul..maybe some, but they were busy working, it means they're out of their souls now..they just work as they must. And I went up the bridge and watched the whole neighborhood as it sleeps without me and I have waited for someone to come, to open the gates, to walk in these black pathes that bring me each day to school. When I did see someone, it wasn't one, but 4 people, I knew these people.. I don't think that I even knew their names but I remembered their faces, I am sure that they didn't remember mine. you know..I don't think I'm so horrible to look at, Odi says I'm the most beautiful girl in the world, many have said that to me. But only the ones who say they love me, only they can tell me this. someone who will look at me won't think that..he'll think "what is the color of your eyes? green? oh..I didn't notice"
I don't glow, I just don't glow
maybe I'm like these stripes which dazzle in the dark, yeah, I'm surviving in the dark..yes.
I am back from a day spent with my mom, my sister and her boyfriend. And it was all well and nice until we had to take this cab home..you can't imagine, I had such a traumatic ride, THE MOST TRAUMATIC! So this guy pulls off towards us and picks us up, a taxi driver so you see, and he was saying all these stuff and my mother answered in such a way, sometimes I admire her so much you know, while at other times..well..let's not talk about other times. not today.
however, me and my mom, we are both so cynical, each in her own way, I'm in a more..vicious way I think, and she's sufisticated, she knows how to talk to these low creatures- damn them! argh!!! I can't really explain that ride but just for the record- it was s.c.a.r.y.
One of my so called friends had a birthday today and I didn't remember. She's always frowny and depressed and she doesn't communicate, I really hate her for that quality because she always goes after the incredibly popular girls but when she has to cry to someone it is always my door that gets her knocks. And today I set on the bus in my way to my sister and I thought about her, I don't know why..and I don't think that I thought good things in particular but..I did think about her. And then I thought about all of the people from my past that keep popping up in my mind and I am always certain that I'm not in theirs. It's a sad fact I have to say, to know that they're swimming in your mind's bubbles and that you don't even get a shattering spot in theirs. And I also think about people who have suddenly disappeared, or about this one girl from the first grade who had cancer and she was bald and always chased me. I felt so embarassed near the rest of the children, so I remember, and I always ran away from her. Her name was Ala. I didn't see her ever since then. I wonder sometimes if she's ok..I realized what a horrible princess I was, I really do regret it, I did cry for her on that time, and now I am trying not to..because I think I'm getting too emotional and I can't cry for every person I have seen in my life. And there was this choir tutor, she was an old lady named Ida and I loved her so dearly. you know how that is when there's this idol in your eyes that represents good and white angels. I believed in angels then, and I also talked to my imagionary horses and sometimes even to god, especially when I sat in the toilet..I know it sounds horrible, but I think it's the best time, when you're not occupied with anything else. So Ida loved me very much and I loved her, I sang my best for her and 3 years later when we were in the third grade, we prepared ourselves to the memorial event for the late soldiers ( it is always like that in here) she didn't show up. She didn't do the rehearsal with us and we sang for her, we had her spirit with us. They said that she's in surgery. I have never seen her since then.

last week someone told me that she has died a year ago. when I got home I cried a lot, I really loved that lady, I will always remember her, and she..she'll never know that I did think about her, and I'm sure that she never thought about me. But it's really ok, that's how it is. If I don't expect the people who surround me to think about me, I will surely not think about a lady that was one special gift for me because I was just one of many special children who loved her so dearly.
Did they really?
I'm not in such a good mood now..I don't know why really, I don't think it's because I have 3 chemistry hours tomorrow, and it's not even because Odi must study and she leaves me so lonely thinking about her, and it's not even because the old neighbor closed the curtains and never gets out.
The world isn't smiling today
should I try to smile?
tell me,
should I?

Natalie