one fact in my miserable life: no one cares about me.

sometimes I forget because I'm so locked up in my world, but when I have to open my door and just go to the kitchen, the ugly truth is showing its ugliest face. with all my respect to ugliness, I don't want to be near that one.

I hate my mother, I hate her so much I sometimes wonder why are we living in the same house. I'm making plans of how I'm moving away and how we never talk again but I can't do anything without my parents' support and believe me, if I go they won't run after me, they crave for me to go. they want to humiliate me until there's nothing left and feed me to the sharks. they want to ruin (my mom, not my dad in this case) every glimpse of self esteem that was somehow in me and they want to trash me, to make me feel like I'm the biggest nothing in the world, that I don't deserve to live. I guess that's why she's telling me these things all the time, and how can't you hate a person who always harms you, always beats you, always tells you that you are the worst thing in earth. I hate her, I can't live here, I hate to cry infront of her, it;'s like she enjoys so much to see me cry and suffer because she thinks that I'm so weird and that I'm a mistake. My sister is the one she loves, me is the one she wants out for good.
I wish she would kick me out but that would be too damn easy for me. I think that the only reason she doesn't is because then the school would have knows and she would have been humiliated. she hates people, she is not secure and she feels like everyone's will is to hunt her. That's why if the school was involved she would act like nothing happened. that's how it goes, and she's the fakest person of all.

I asked her to buy me something to eat because I was so hungry. I came home and I found nothing in the fridge, so I begged her to buy something. and I have a picky taste, I don't eat meat, no cheese, no fattening stuff..I don't know, don't like it. and there are only few vegtebles I'm willing to eat, so I asked her to put an egg-salad and some corn in bread for me and bring it home. I was waiting hungry in the house and when she came back she brought EVERYTHING I HATE in that stupid bread, black olives and argh- red cabbage- I HATE RED CABBAGE I"LL BE DAMNED! And I just started to cry and she told me "you stupid ignorant kid! go to hell you fucking child" and I screamed crying "why are you doing this to me? why? tell me, why?" and she did this stupid face of hers and she said " I don't give a damn about you " and it's all a game of power. she feels the worst with herself and she knows I'm sensitive so she cuts me skin everytime. everytime. everytime.

I have no blood
no soul

I just wait for my Odelya

I don't want to cry on the phone

I don't want to cry at all.