I love this picture...it's mystical..

I am going MAD!!!!! that's it, I'm gonna study chemistry and blow the whole damn school, GOD knows I will do it (if Tori lets herself use god..so do I) if I only knew how. The most toxic gases, I will become an idol..or darn..I knew there's something wrong with that blow-up utopia..ok, no school burning, next?

ok ok i'm ready to fight the damn thing, just give me a sharp tool and I'll start my killing parade.
Now, why am I so angry? hmm...that's why:
My school is everything but orginized, thoughtful, equal, democrat, clean, educating or justified. And I am sick of it, all the time I am suffering because of our stupid principal, well I've had it lady, now I'm gonna fight you hard, I have no power..I know but I will try my best, yes.
No more silence, WAR!
why am I so angry again?
Next year every one has to choose a subject (at school..duh) in which he could specialize. So the highest level is 5 units, and that subject is always 5 units.
We can choose between several subjects of course, so anyway..I always thought I would take literature..I thought I can't be without it but as true as it is, school only ruins it for me. I need to read with my own motivation and will and not by force. And I can't accept their analysis all the time because I sometimes disagree...and that sometimes gets more and more important with every day I overcome.
We have to think, and we have different ideas and interpretations- our souls shouldn't be locked in the school's bars. They have to fly, and my literary flight will be with my own wings. I don't need school to tell me what to read or what to think about a creation. These stories are made for us readers to think about them, if it happens that I want to know more about something, I can always look for it, but the point is that when it comes to literature *I* want to be the decider of what I will do or not do, because it's personal, and my private world can not be shared with no teacher.
After that decision ,which was not hard to make since I suffered in this year's lit classes (the teacher knew it all so it was hard to be with an independent opinion), I bravely decided to take biology because it seemed so interesting. I think that because of my Odelya who's studying it in the university but also because of the greatteacher I had- even if she wasn't a biology teacher, she's an amazing human being, I really admire her and respect her whole being. This teacher is so HUMAN.. I knew only few more teachers like that, this year she's the only one (when I studied physics my physics teacher was my favorite too, such a good woman it's surprising to know that these kinds of people still exist in out material world).
But the biology / chemistry / physics students study only 5 units while the lit+movie / lit+art study 8 units! it's so unfair! These subjects are so damn easy and get so much more, oooooh I was furious! Such a discrimination! Plus, whoever wants to study "music" in addition can study extra 5 units... What can I do that I don't play like dear old Mozart? it's just....so unfair. And they won't let anyone else take 2 subjects.. I think I will fight for studying biology and chemistry together..but it will be a hard work.. I think I can manage it though..errgh! can I? I really D.O.N.T K.N.O.W .
It's really exhausting to think about next year when I have this one on my shoulders (Hey Jude refrain, don't carry the world upon your shoulders), and it's a lot to bear, a lot to forget and a lot to take with me on, some things that I'm tied to, and some that I never chose..like my name, my family, my land. It can sound so weird but I wouldn't replace my family, it's the only thing I know, and the only thing I learned to love. I think I hate them sometimes, and maybe they do have major flaws as people but they're still in me wherever I go. My mom can be so horrible but that's the right way in her eyes, that's her way to educate. I read a lot of child-psychology books about child abuse and the child progression and I understand how they see me or their ways, their ways are sacred in their eyes and they're reasonable. There are no boundries but they will never raise a hand on me. I don't think it's good but my mental abuse is just a routine. I think that I am a very strong person although I think of myself as so weak sometimes..because I survived this horror, if I could do it until now maybe there is some intensity in me that is saved for darker times..maybe.
It is so hard for me to hear that Yael has no respect for my Odelya, because Odelya is the most of me, but I don't care about me, I care about her. She deserves the world but without the bad dishes, only the olympus' happiness and prosperity. Lately we've been talking about money too much, me and her..we are dreamers. We worship the soul and not the white bills, we can't count anything since it is all everlasting or everywhere. As we can't count the stars or the moon's light (the moon is one, we don't need to count him) we can't count the bills that lead us to each other, these filthy things that can bring joy.. we can't calculate our coins, we just put them in a drawer and take some when we need to..when a beggar comes, when our stomach dances, when we need to go. As a person, I always pondered for days and years about the value of money. I thought to myself what could be if there weren't any, if everything could be taken by anyone in need. Why do people need money to quarry in the ground? why do they need money to build machines? can't they give themselves for a humble destination? can't they be good? can't a person take only what he necessarily needs? but then again..what if he doesn't know what he needs? what if he just wants everything to himself? what if he's evil...what if he's just normal.. that says it all. I don't know why is that.. I guess that we always covet everything around, we desire and we need to mark thing as our own. "my book", "my dress", "my body". I wish we could go back to the times when a man exchanged his sheep with another's 2 chicken..or something like that...NO, I wish everyone could want to give and not to get all the time, I wish...that we became good and fair, there's so much honey in the world and a man has to have money in order to taste it, to see the nice sights, to feel the greek philosophical spirit, to walk in the roads of Napoleon's victory, to listen to the sounds of heaven when you want to. I can't accept this..and I can't get this..everythign becomes so material, even everything I love dearly like my Kate cd's or Tori's, why did they publish themselves? why couldn't they be anonymous? even if they felt like they're on a mission, why to have money over this, that gift of beauty in their chords....I can't understand any of it. MONEY- who needs it, people are dying over it, people are killing over it- they're hungry, they're sad- I guess on every era they were like that, and everytime it is religion's fault. the money religion...who is god then?

Mom was so sweet today, I don't know what happened but she accepts Odelya as a part of me. Before, everytime she called my mom didn't tell me but today I told my mom to say that I'm not at home and when she heard it's Odelya's voice she told me "it's her friend" while once she told me "it's that girl.." and she tries to do her best, I really appreciate her for that. I know it is hard for her, I do love my mom..sorry to say that but I do with all my heart. I'm trying to say these things because I think that I do her wrong everytime..she has her horrible sides but she is good inside somewhere and I think that if I die tomorrow and she comes to this site, she needs to know that I do not think bad about her..it's important to me.
Earlier she came with tears to my door and told me "do you want to hear a story?" and I came with her to the kitchen, we chopped bean heads and I listened. She told me about a conversation she had with my father in the car. It was interesting, I was never exposed to a sensitive side in my father, I mean , he's so sweet, but he will never cry, he's a child in many ways. She told me that in their old town back in Romania my father was in a rich family of Jews but the Jews were always so patronizing and didn't connect to the others and they were very careful with their money. And my grandparents never gave my father money for an ice cream or anything, he had to lie that he needs something for school or other excuses like this one. I think it's because of my grandfather's horrible past, he takes money as something very important and he will spend it only when he HAS to. And my father told her that he never had Jewish friends because they always made him feel low, so he went with the romanians who were broke as well but with much happiness and hard times. And there was a party once, everyone came. And my father looked at himself in the mirror and saw a skinny boy with ugly clothes. rags. dirty rags. and this boy wanted to go to the party but was so ashamed so he went to h is bed and cried all night because he couldn't bear his look in the mirror, he wanted to be one of them, to feel nice looking.
My mother cried and i felt her sadness, for such a tender boy, I love my father so much.
He never told about this to anyone, he never cries.. I just thought about it today..how was he as a child, I would protect him with my life. He's such a noble person, he never complains when he's sick, and he always hides it. Like he has to be healthy 100% of the year, like he's ok, like he never wants to take attention. I can learn from him a thing or two, my funny father..I'm smiling now.

Because of my math paper everyone's calling me..why do they bother me..I would help them, really, and I do, but it hurts because I know that the people I hate will copy from them the word I was doing with my own sweat and thought. When I do something I am proud for doing it, really. At least I don't want anyone to take it away from me.

I feel good now for some reason. for the past few days I was feeling bad..everything was against me..but now I'm going with it..
I haven't returned the precious book of Agnon to the library yet..it hurts because i haven't read it. I bet I need to pay a lot by now...
Kate bush is singing in my mind constantly now, "the dreaming" is my favorite right now. It's the craziest thing I have ever heard and I love it! I remember thinking about it on "boys for Pele" once but...I guess that even Tori isn't crazy enough for me now, everything is changes with me, by the mood or by the sky's color..I really don't know. I want to quite something I heard in babylon5 a year ago...but I need to remember just how it went, I really loved that show..loved. these verbs in the past makes me sad sometimes, everything is ending..

But now I will end this entry too,
I have to be faithful to my own words, don't I? :)
(I had to...I'm in a smiling mood..) .