I am alive..don't know if it's good or bad but I'm working on finding out.
I guess my writing now will be blurry and not connected to anything, that's how it goes through my mind.
I studied for so long and it went so bad, I guess I'm hopeless damn it, I guess I should study more..but how much more can you study really? I just didn't get the question until I handed in my sheets of paper.

I had a dilema about this place, I was thinking..who am I writing to? it has to be me because if you don't write for your own eyes, it's sold out, it's not yours anymore. and this *has* to be mine, no pressure.
I felt like I have to write for my readers but then I thought..I probably have none so..I shouldn't feel this. then I thought about my Holden who told his story to his fake readers knowing he misses them most, knowing he's doing it for himself. and that's who I should be, I have a Holden in me, more than I have anything else.
in the backround there's Tori and her blood-roses, chicken get a taste of your meat, yes. so much passion in her voice but for once I feel like something's missing in Tori..not always but sometimes. my birthday is coming and I thought I need nothing..what can I ask my parents..and today I saw this woman in the bus with an amazing coat and I thought "that's what I want" yeah I know, silly but I need nothing else, really. these shitty cd's and shitty books and rotten spiritual stuff that they sell us is nothing when you don't feel the urge from your inside. I have a rule not to read a book unless (I have to, for school..but besides) something in me screams that I have to. That's why I read "the little prince" and "the alchemist" and that's why I don't read "a warlock's diary" a book that I have for over a year now, nothing tells me to read this. when you know, you know. and I see all these people just buying books 'cause some "well-progressed" people told them to and it makes me so sick. I remember telling Ayelet a year ago to read "Sophie's world" because I felt like she's a bit lost and I wanted to show her a world of magic but then I told her she needs to find her own road, and so she did. sometimes with my guidance and sometimes with hers. it makes me sick to see piles of books standing on a shelf just for people to see them on the shelf..it makes the person who owns them more superb..intellectual, not. "professional widow" is on, oh Tori, pierces my ears with angry blood, just like I want. ok so I was saying, maybe it's because my value for books, maybe for my value for money, I can't afford myself anything these days but when I rest my eyes on a book that I wanted to own for so long..something clicks in me. just because I can't buy myself books and I can't have these piles..and the thing is I really don't want to. I open my closet and I have only the things I really like. girls from my class go shopping every other saturday, nothing is enough. and I say,

appreciate, make it lasting, don't turn out to be as modern and as hip, it doesn't work when you are real.

something in me has grown, I feel it has. I remember that I wanted to pierce things and become things I really am not. I wanted to dye my hair, to become more beautiful but now I think I'm more beautiful than these hair-dyed people. they don't do it for fun, they do it to look in a certain way, like this bitch from my class who dyed her long hair black now because she wants to look goth. ok , she does, so what? still as stupid. I look at them and I like what I see, yes, I guess they're pretty when their hair is so well shaped and their clothes are so cool sometimes..but this thought is only running in my mind for one single second and then- nothing.

the "me" now is everything but "girly". I'm not 15, I mean..in a month I'll be 16 but I feel ageless and something in me is knocking every cell and reminding me that it is all because of my Odelya who's ageless also. She is the beauty itself in my eyes, and I do see all, that's what I've learned. I guess that when your eyes are green you have to find a replacement for the little blindness and see it all with different tools. everyone with his own tool..tool..I once liked the band.

I feel so good writing this, for once I write for me, I feel so good.
was at school and saw a play called "the catcher in the rye"..I wonder why..and there, Holden was so different than my Holden, the one I saw when I read his words..when he wore his hat and danced with Phoebe..in that play he was so....I don't know...mentally disturbed, not a man, not full of hate but full of no confidence. I saw him and I saw my math teacher..I don't know why.. this Holden wasn't a child , he was just..a disturbed person who's afraid of the world.

not my Holden.

and everyone said after the play "god! he ruined the book for me!" but..for me..nothing can ruin this book for me, it's within me, always within me. {Tori "caught a light sneeze"..made my own pretty hate machine...a master piece.}
have to study. oh fuck it, always studying. won't talk about this here right now. I feel so isolated and yet so good..no one compares to my odelya and that's why I have a problem to really talk to people, I can't talk to them because they're not interesting, for me, right now. Odelya , the ideal, made them seem so pale and it's hard for me.. I can't talk about nail polish. if I do, after 5 minutes I have a head ache. I look at my nails, didn't even have time to dye them..I don't care about how I look anymore. I put a lipstick today, don't know why, I felt so bad with that purple thing on my lips, it didn't belong, no make up for me, no more, so wasted.
everyone tells me I look blonde but my hair is as brown as it was.. maybe I do glow sometimes..or not..I like blonde better than red I think, but not extreme blonde, natural blonde with shades of brown, that's how I like it. I am still mad at Ayelet for dying her hair, but she can't act by *my* illuminations, she will have her own, maybe some day it will pass, and if not, I guess it doesn't matter if she's the same person inside.
as a kid a felt fat and there was one time I was sick and I got thin and I looked in the mirror and it was like ...I saw what I wanted to be- thin..but it didn't fit me, I was sure it will change my behavior because..perfect people act differently and I wanted to stay the same, withmy own body so I rushed into the kitchen and started to eat and eat..and I felt good, I told to myself "so what if you're a little more than the rest? so what?" now I know I wasn't fat but..I am proud for that deed. sometimes I admire myself as a girl, I still think the same, only that I'm not jelous anymore with the models' bodies..now I don't care that I'm not like them. I still don't like myself but I'm happy that I'm me and not them, just because they're they and I am.. I.no need to explain, this is for me, for me. how vague I am..and it's 11:15 and I feel...something is missing in my life, school makes them so empty, when you study it means you don't do other things and I want to know which others things do I miss.. I am willing to do nothing but I will be able to do that only at 18, after all the tests and finals and pressure. I don't know if I can hold on until then.. but I guess that I can if I did until now. but after the big failure in history yesterday..I feel so bad, if I'm not the best I am dying inside, I have to prove myself I can do it all, that's one thing I have to do. wow I can't believe how much time Ididn't hear music, Tori is good for my soul. I'm not a part of any Tori-lovers support group..for me it's a personal issue, my music- mine. theirs= theirs. that is all, I think that this realization made me want to leave this place, this net thing, it has nothing to offer me right now, I've summed what I had to find here, I have my Odelya, I knew special souls and now, it's time to go, at least away from the things that bother me. here everything is competition and impurity, wannabe's and serial killers, it is not right to be proud of being a bitch, they just don't get it.

it wasn't my bullet, Tori knew what to say
still I shoot
oh, I need to put it up, I need to read this again. I have more to say but for now, it's enough.

this is my little war against hypocrisy and wars must be private first.

I fought myself already, now there's the world..but it's nice today. the leaves are green.
I love you
this sentence was for . . .