I have something like 20 minutes to write..is it enough? oh, I don't care..I want to look at it in a year or so and see what was on my mind then..to see if I have developed, if I have become my own kind of siddharta. I don't know why but I'm so hungry today..it amazes me! I don't know what is happening to me, err err indeed. It was snowing today and I woke up to a mountain of white looking at me from the other side of the window, I put on proper clothes and I went with my dad for shopping..which means we went by foot for 15 minutes until we got there in the snow. It was such fun, yes it was cold but the whole air was full of something new, people couldn't be cold and cruel as they are in every other day because it was different, and it wasn't even the world's birthday..why don't we celebrate the world's birthday? well..yes..we don't really know the day, but it didn't stop us in other matters, we can make a day, it deserves one, doesn't it?
In the shop the seller told me that my sister looks so much like my father and that I have more in me from my mother. But when I look at myself I don't see anything that I've seen in others, not even mother or father. I have green eyes, but they're different from my father's green-blue eyes, mine are so green, they scream their color. And their shape..it's very different, once they were a little like a chinese eye but now it's more like..me, and everything else, it's so different. K's choice sing " and even if I wear all your clothes I'll still be different "- and it's the secret of all creatures- we can all have eyes, ribs, lips, foreheads but it will never look exactly the same..and we are different. at least me and every person who reads it. they wouldn't read, they don't.. they just don't read.
When I got home Sivan came here and it filled me with happiness but now it fills me with worries. I told her that there's something I have to tell her but I will tell her in my birthday which is in the 27 of April and she's dying to know, I told her that I think she won't understand, and I have to tell you, she won't.
But I have to tell her about Odi, how can I hide something that important when I care about her. Our whole relationship is based on our difference- I'm up there with the ghosts and witches and she's down here with the humans and reality. But we're both insane, that's the only thing that ties us so hard together.

I know that she won't understand, still I will tell her. She can't understand love, so she won't understand my love to a girl. I'm afraid. You know..it's like suddenly she'll think I'm gay ( I'm not ) and that I'm attracted to her or something, and she'll get away from me, I will look so strange in her eyes, even more than I used to.
I ask myself sometimes if I look for "understanding" or if I only look for the truth. But I promise this world that when I turn 18 I won't mind, I just won't mind.
I know that my mother will drop dead if she knows, she hates the idea of gay people and she always tells me " you need a boyfriend, these girlfriends are bad for you ".

yes mom, right.

They never knew what is good for me, but..what can I say..
so I tried to tell Sivan that I can't tell her because I fear she won't understand or she'll think about me in another way. And she said " is that guy bad? does he have anything I can't like? why do you care what I think about him? " and this word "him" was going and cutting my mind, him him him him him, and she said as a joke " or maybe it's a her..kidding" so I laughed and orbited with my eyes elsewhere..
she always tells me these superficial things that she care so much about..like which clothes she bought last week, or which guy does she have a crush on this time..and I don't care, I really don't. It's something I wouldn't want to hear from anyone else but she..she's so real that I want to hear. Because she does care about it, and I care about her feelings. That is friendship- to care about what that person cares even if it doesn't interest you, because it's not about YOU, it's about both of you.

Now I have to go and study for my stupid math exam...ahhhhhh I know nothing, I thought that I do but.surprise surprise..I DON'T! most of the people I know claim that they know nothing about math..so how did they go through school? damn damn damn it! numbers and functions and parabolas and angles and triangles..I want out of these lines, I want to teach my own science, but it will be a new theory- I will teach only myself, and I will have only one rule:

" be real, and try to make everything else real according to the reality "

which means, fake people's reality is to be fake, the only thing you have to do is not to let them sprawl and take everything pure with them. Can a person keep his mind while doing so? Nietzsche couldn't..what does it say about him? about me? about the whole human race?

I guess nothing..as everything else.
well, my 20 minutes are up
I will try to write later..and if not..I'l probably speak to my walls and philosophize with them
today's question: " is it right to kiss the phone? "
don't mind me..
bye in the mean time and..don't turn to god because you're cold.

I'm freezing..
anyone?