So I thought to myself, like I do in everyday, how will my funeral look like..you know, the sad faces, the happy faces and all of the junkies that will come only for the food or the blackness. If a person is so black in his life, is it right to blacken him also in his death? and what if no one bothered to know that person? what if no one knows which color does he want to get buried in or if he actually wants to preserve his organs behind a shiny glass somewhere? There are people who don't really know how to be sad, I think that they don't let their lungs soak in their bodies, they are lost in themselves, they don't converse with their heart, they can't become a gale of emotions, although they're made of the same materials. I can dive in these people's eyes, when you feel the apathy or the lustiness and know they won't know what to do if a person comes to their door crying. I don't think any of us know, but we aren't afraid to try and discover. They need everything to be discovered before them, it's a weird theory that says " all I wanna be is a discoverer but everyone keeps discovering everything before me". I imagine myself in the tomb solving some dead people crosswords and trying to analyze the scribbles in the sides. "I'll be back soon 1901" is what I see, someone was there before me, so they get pens over there..how nice..I want a pen also, I have to write all of the things I wanna do now when I have time. It's too damn crowded in this coffin, me..and me..all over the place. isn't there any space to breathe a little? just a little? heeeeeee a little?
I hope that I don't have to pay for my immobilization because I don't think I'll have much money in the white dress they'll put me on. Yeah, it will be white, no one will ever think that I wanted to be myself even in the day of my death. But sometimes I want to be like these fairies, with white wings and soft green feelers, sometimes I just want to fly and pick flowers. Like in every normal fairy tales. if there's anything that *can* be normal, is a fairy tale..don't you think?

I'm a medium of spirits in the next world, I know that..because I always want to reach out to what I can't see. Sometimes the things that are only in your senses are the strongest..the lushness of love makes it real though, but every fairy tale has an evil witch ( see january 9 do you remember ? and I get the worst witches, they never get to the fairy tales because now there are all the valley chicks who can be as blonde as the prettiest princess but that's their scheme, beautiful but vicious..how lovely..yeah right, but the good witches and the "not so bad" witches get all the good parts, even witches who aren't really witches and their dad who's a warlock set them this summer job can get the best parts and the really evil witches are out of job, they say that they're not peppy enogh..directors today..everything needs a manager, I stopped needing god, so they should too. So I get the worst witches as I said, all the ugly one faced witches, I think that it's because I'm a witch too and I don't get a part in anything, as a witch that is, so I'm with all of the outcastes..yea...our parties are such a thrill. they surely are.

I took a long bath, with bubbles and all of this childish poofie passion..I was so damn happy sooo damn happy!!!!! ooooh leave the damn aside, I was h a p p y! Odi is studying for her university tests but she's coming tomorrow for me, we can't stay apart..she can't come, she's so stressed but she said that she must see me or else she'll lose her mind. I love her so much, she made me so happy, aren't you happy for me?? oooh too much of the forbidden word , sorry, won't do it again, I'm just happy :)
ahh I hate smilies :) ahh again!!! no..I'm kidding..hee hee..
yesterday I stood on the class' table and I screamed " I am bisexual everyone, bi bi bi bi bi!!!!!!" I got so insane, everyone was conviced that they're bi too and we were all a one big happy family. Today I also got crazy, I started diong some stripping acts and some wacko singing scenes to my girlfriends..it was damn funny, I have to tell you this, I'm probably the most insane person you'll ever get to see in here, unless you meet Del, she's a special case. But..I don't see her anymore, she had vanished. again. So D. if you see it, please tell Santa that he didn't do his job, I asked for you hon, did you cheat on me with the old guy? oh nevermind that!
I have to go now, I have some E-mails to write to Ayelet, Yael & Lotan, if you want I can write you something too..just say so.

just what god needs, one more victim

Natalie