listening to: Kate Bush, the kick inside, wuthering heights.
it can bring me into tears, I will stop now.
it is almost 11:00 AM right now, I guess I should start packing my stuff..I got kinda down right now, but that's ok..I will handle it. see you later then
James, come on home
..Ooh, James are you selling your soul to a cold gun?
You're a coward James
Worshiping: no one..no one at all. I wish I had a god. damn my atheism.
Looking at: My poster of Marilyn Manson and his morbid veins. ahh..such a great beginning to a sunny morning.
Thinking of: today's visiting in Odelya's and Yael's place
quoting:* I got no limbs, I'm like a feather on the wind. Well I'm not sure if I want to be up here at all and I'd like to be back on the ground But I don't know how to get down.* ~Kite~ Kate Bush
I have nothing to do right now..well I do if you concider my math paper and another thing I have to do..but it doesn't matter really, I don't want to do it right now..I'm just counting the minutes..as always. The band who always wrote the most actual words in my eyes is K's choice and if you read their lyrics you will understand me better, I also understand me better when I read their words.
I'm listening to Kate Bush's " the man with the child in his eyes" right now, it's one of my alltimes favorite songs..isn't she a marvel? where is she now? I wonder sometimes..I saw on J Leno's "tonight show" a statue of a "kiss" member and I thought to myself..we always use people's names but we never wonder what happened to them after they were a success..in the minute they got old. once it wasn't like this, young people weren't recognized and the old were appreciated for their wisdom and knoledge. But today everyone's treating them like they don't know anything. I think that my grandmother is the wisest person, she doesn't know how to use a computer, she doesn't watch all of these stupid high rated shows on TV, she loves the old french movies and the old novels she read when she was a little girl, and that makes her eternal, she's not like everyone else. Time doesn't affect her. I haven't talked to her for a long time now..in time she forgets my language and she forgets how to communicate with me. We once shared so many time together, as a child I think that I was smarter in some ways. When I wasn't exposed to what I am now, when I was pure. Knowing these horrible things doesn't make me any smarter and then I was more objective and less cynical, I had passion in my words, I really cared about what was going on around me. I still do, but I think that it's fading away..that part of me is attached to my grandmother and now when we don't speak so much I can't hold on to what I was, I'm moving on..unfortunately. we have here this show called " who wants to be a millioner?" and this show makes me *so* mad!! a person comes there, pays 2 dollars, answers a question like " who was the mate of Romeo" and gets 1.000.000 shekels. people are starving somewhere, people are fighting for their lives, their houses are being burned and their eyes are so embedded in their black holes, they don't love the sun anymore because it dries them, and they don't like the cold anymor because it kills them. They jump on every piece of food, or clothe and I don't think that this man has to have this money like they do. The world is bought today with paper slices, and there's nothing I can do about it. I think that it was more fair when a man exchanged his sheep for 2 chicken and a purple egg, at least then things had value. if 1.000.000 shekels has the value of the smurf's color then how come that in Romania or Russia a single dollar worthes a whole family's salvation. They can buy drugs (medicines) with that money, they can feed their babies, and they can maybe invite the dying neighbor to their doorway and hand her a meagre soup with one half of a potato and an eaten carrot they stole from a rich man's dog somewhere. But they don't need so much in the soup, they believe it's the best thing in the world. They see life as a gift and the ones who are strong enough try to overcome the obstacles. even if it's with one dollar. But usually they don't have any.. and all these people who win the stupid T.V shows..they buy one more fur and one more house and fix their curtains that had nothing wrong with them, but they have to change them to something bigger, more flashy, more ..expenssive. And they buy themselves a new car, and another one, and another one, and another one....
The circle of pain has to end here, it's too painful. people are dying and the others are living like kings while they can help a poor girl who needs a heart transplant to win some new beats, to win a life. She won't win the money..they will not use it for themselves but I'm sure that it's the greatest feeling in the world to grant someone the wish of life. To know that you could do something, and that you really did it.
I will drown if I'll be thrown to a lake, that's really a frightening thought, don't you think? But parents know how to create traumas to their child. I feel like Truman (the truman show) and his fear from water. I don't fear them but I almost hate them. ever since that man in the swimming course threw me in the water and thought I'll float without any help. I couldn't do it, I felt like I'm dying, I cried and I tried to beup there but I kept falling down and swallowing water, he looked at me and waited for me to get right but I couldn't, and I think that they didn't have enough water in the pool so they wanted my tears because no one tried to make me stop crying. no one tried to save me.
after 4 minutes of self destroying he threw a tiny life buoy (you know..that's the name of my soap..how ironic) towards me and I couldn't even hold it, I felt so out of air and with my last strength I got up and ran to the dressing room, my heart was beating so fast and it was only me and the towel and some really weird body twists. I don't wish any of you this expirience..it was so hard for me to talk about it, but now I feel that I have to come clean with myself, to let it go. And I was shaking with cold and fear, I was breathing very heavily with a disturbed pase and I couldn't even talk, I only looked straight and I hoped that at least in the girl's dressing room he won't be able to kill me. my mother was up there looking at me through the window and when I was in the water I YELLED " MOMMY!!!!! HELP ME PLEASE" and all she did is looking and smiling, I will never forgive her for that. I never came back to that class again, I never jump in the water, and I'm trying not to get near it. I'm always afraid that someone will push me from behind.
You've beeen gone too long baby
We can't let our hero die alone
We miss you day and night
You left town to live by the rifle
You left us to fight
But it just ain't right to take away the light
where lies your heart?
It's not there in the buckskin baby
it's not there in the gin that makes you laugh long and loud
You're running away from humanity
You're running out on reality
It won't be funny when they
Rat-a-tat-tat you down