We just don't seem to get over pressure..you know, we always think there's a top and from then we can go down and relax..but when a person lets himself to dive in the whirlpools or stress, he can't get over it when he goes down the mountain, there's always another mountain he has to climb..
another one I need to fight
I'm so sick of it, the world is closing me down, my memory is lost, I'm failing.
until then
waiting for the messiah
Natalie
I had the history test today. The one I was SO afraid of, yesterday I cried and I shaded on my pages with these giant tears and I shook in a way you shake only when you're inside a freezing cloud.
I didn't know a thing today in the test, everyone tells me that I always say that and that eventually I will get my usual 100 but they don't know that every 100 is one more fight for me, one more failure I missed because I am a failure, I will show them one day what a failure I am, I will show them after my history test. yes.
I'm sick of it ahh!!! what can I do? I'm framed, I'm an obeying creature and I can't function like an ordinary person. I'm inlove and it takes every energy out of me- tell me who can focus on some fighting old guys while there's love sprawling inside? who? I don't think that anyone can, and if they do they're not inlove. Today it should be a time of freedom to me, but the walls are getting so narrow, I can't go through them, I barely stay in, because I have to stay in..is it a way out anyway? no, you only shrink, you are never bigger than these walls. never.
I thought that after this test I will be able to breathe again- wrong wrong wrong Natalie
I never use my name you know..I hate it and I don't even think that I love myself all that much, I loved myself only today when I watched this video tape a friend of mine gave me- I saw myself in the age of 6! The most beautiful girl in the world ( I really believe so, that's what I was anyway) in the times when she had confidence, she was happy, she could be serious- no one cared, because she was beautiful. Beauty can give people so many things, it's frightening.. but now I don't know many beautiful people. My Odelya is beyond beauty, she's perfect, no..she's more. And in my life I have met only few beautiful people, Yael is one of them, she doesn't think so but I really see so much in her that she won't let out. She has to look at herself at the mirror and she has to stop saying " I'm fat fat fat fat"- so what, oh my, a person can't lose weight in a bad mental condition, that's the thing, and I am there for her, she needs to know that everything comes in its time. Or even sooner, for better and for worse, don't you think?
I had no teeth in the video tape and I was so cute..I seldom look at myself in the mirror and I refuse watching at myself on T.V But this time it was far, it wasn't me who controlled myself, my mom dressed me with these beautiful dresses, and everyone was taking care of me..and now, I'm just like Holden, I don't know where the ducks go when the lake is frozen, does anyone pick them up? where do they go? where can I go? when it's cold it's hardest to fly, and when they keep taking your layers off, it gets colder and you don't want to get up..
When I read " the catcher in the rye" I felt like I'm Holden, I really did, I'm every single thing he is, I admire him and I hate myself- what does it mean? I loved him so much.. mabybe somewhere I do love myself..maybe..or maybe I just wanted to be loved by someone who can really love, and I can- when I love, I love for good. That's how it is with me..I feel all the way, it's the worst thing, it increases your tears 10000 times more. Does it worth it?
So Yael keeps asking me if I'm her soulmate and I know she's reading it now so I think you should feel it inside, as I told you-
souls fly above our body, sometimes they're inside and sometimes they're way far in the mountains
but the secret is that 2 souls who are bonded in a true bond, they know where is each of them
in the body
above
or in the mountains
Don't you think Yael? can't you understand your own rages? there are questions that can be asked without words and can be answered with no sigh or effort, try to understand, for me.
Did you hear about Sizipus? that man who had to carry a rock all the way up to the mountain and everytime he almost reached the top he had to let it fall down and carry it back. It's like us and our dull routine- we wake up, we suffer, we wake up..
I believe that a person can reach the top without dying, I believe that stop willing isn't death, a person can be complete even when he achieves everything- that's the whole purpose no? I would give up everything for one wish. one wish..ahh it seems so simple to ask for only one thing right? but it's not, one thing can be the worst, when you don't want anything else.
"
Lo! I am weary of my wisdom, like the bee that hath gathered too much honey; I need hands outstretched to take it.
I would fain bestow and distribute, until the wise have once more become joyous in their folly, and the poor happy in their riches.
Therefore must I descend into the deep: as thou doest in the evening, when thou goest behind the sea, and givest light also to the nether-world, thou exuberant star!
The fall of our footsteps ringeth too hollow through their streets. And just as at night, when they are in bed and hear a man abroad long before sunrise, so they ask themselves concerning us: Where goeth the thief?
Go not to men, but stay in the forest! Go rather to the animals! Why not be like me- a bear amongst bears, a bird amongst birds?"
I'll tell you next time
take care
I will try to do so myself