I am invisable.
May 5, 2000

I can't say what exactly this is going to be. I feel that somehow this should be an entry in my journal, but I'm way angry so I feel that I can make it into a point of view somehow.

The basis of this whole thing is how I feel invisable. I know that everybody feels invisable at one time or another so I'm sure you can relate. I can't say that this situation is unique, nor do I feel my opinion on this subject is unique as well.. however, it is my page and I will use this space as I feel neccessary. So on to the focus.

I am invisable. My thoughts, my feelings, my life does not seem to matter enough to those who are in charge of it. I moved here about a month ago. Did I want to? no. Did it matter that I didn't want to? no. See where I'm going with this?

My life just doesn't seem to matter to other people.

I live in a two family house, an apartment like. It's nice. My aunt, who I dispise, lives in the house upstairs, and I reside with my mom and my grandparents in this house downstairs. I'm a very private person, I need space, I need privacy, I need the world to fuck off and leave me alone. That isn't possible with my current living arrangement. Somebody is always up my ass about something. I'm never alone.

This wasn't such a problem until today. When we moved here about a month ago, my stupid aunt was suppose to have moved out and my mom and I were going to rent her house upstairs from her. Unfourtantly, she is irresponsible and self-centered, so we were never able to move upstairs.

She's getting married, my stupid aunt. I suppose she's going to move in with her fiancee, great for him.

I find out today that when she moves out we're not moving in like we were going to. This pisses me the fuck off. I say it's all fucking bullshit. I want to go the fuck home. I'm basically stuck in a room for the rest of my life here in this fucking town, which isn't long, but all the same. I want my own room in my own house, where I can watch tv in my room and listen to my music as loud as I want to.

I know this doen't seem serious to all of you, but if you lived here you would understand. I just feel as though I was torn away from my life and put here as a test subject. I'm not adjusting well, I spend a lot of my time depressed. I hate watching my grandmother die, I just want to go home.

Nobody seems to care much about me. My mom doesn't pay much attention to me, she's always taking care of my cousin because my stupid aunt isn't the greatest parent. My mother is always running around taking care of my grandmother and making sure everybody is happy. Everybody except me. She barely says anything to me at all. I know she thinks that I understand, and whether I understand or not, it's not the issue. The issue is I'm becoming invisable.

My life and my feelings don't seem to matter to anyone. This wouldn't bother me so much if I actually had a say in it, however, I don't. If I try I get kicked down. What the fuck is that?

I guess this isn't that strong of a point of view.. but I will end saying this. I hate New Hampshire, never move here. I hate my aunt, this is her fault, she needs to get stabbed in the head with a fucking pencil and if she's lucky, I won't bring out the blue goat. I want to go home. I am Invisable. Fuck the world. Piss on everybody.