Blonde Jokes
Turn up here for a laugh and if you have any you would like to share then just email me them ill give you credit.
Whats worse than 5 babys in one bucket?
one baby in five buckets
whats the quickest way to load babys into a truck?
with a pitchfork
whats white and black and rolls round the garden?
a baby covered in funnel webs
whats red and white and cant turn corners?
a baby with a javelin through its head
what gets smaller and smaller and redder and redder?
a baby combing its hair with a potato peeler
One day mom was cleaning junior's room. In the closet she found an S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."
why does a woman smile when she is walking down the aisle?
because she knows she has given her last blow job
One day in the sunny forest the white bunny was running about the forest when he came upon the elephant snorting coke, "mr elephant mr elephant" the rabbit shouted "stop doing drugs and come run with me in the forest", what the hell the elephant thought and off he went running through the forest with the little white bunny
Then they came across the giraffe who was about to drop a trip "mr giraffe mr giraffe" the bunny cried "stop doing drugs and come running through the forest with us" so up the giraffe got and began to run through the forest with the white bunny and the elephant.
The next clearing they came across had the lion cooking up his heroin so off the bunny ran to mr lion and shouted "mr lion mr lion stop doing drugs and come running through the forest with us" The lion just roared and ripped the little white bunny to shreds, the other animals were horrified "why did you do that all he was doing was trying to stop us from taking drugs and enjoy life" the lion just looked up and goes "nah the little shit always wants us to run round the forest when hes on speed".
Tendjewberrymud
not really a joke but pretty funny
Read aloud for best results (and some semblance of comprehension).
telephone exchange between a hotel guest and
room-service, at a hotel in Asia
Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled
please."
RS: "Ow July dee baychem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes
'means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we
bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes,
an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease
baychem,tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G : "You're welcome"
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around, wondering what to do, he spotted a pitchfork leaning against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately, he was wrong. He dropped like a rock, splattering against the floor.
The moral to the story: Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.
what do you say to a blonde that wont give in?
have another beer
whats the difference between the titanic and a blond?
they know how many men went down on the titanic
why does a blond wear her hair up?
to catch everything that goes over their heads
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crapstable.
A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to
bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice.
And she adds, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she takes
off everything but her necklace and rolls the dice
while yelling, "Mama needs new clothes."
Then she yells, "YES, YES, YES!! I WON, I WON, IWON."
She begins jumping up and down and hugging both of the
dealers. Then she picks up her money and her clothes and quickly leaves.
The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU werewatching."
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb.(THanx to MARK)
whats the difference between a hooker and a twinkie?
nothing there both filled with cream
A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and cradling her hand. "Mommy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" she wailed.
"Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked her mom.
"I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away!"
Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider.
The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it. "Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" she whined.
"What are you talking about?" asked her increasingly perplexed parent.
"What made you think that cider would ease your pain?"
"Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider"
There was this guy who went to a camp for adults. The owner was showing him around, and said, "You're gonna love it here, especially the barrel behind the restrooms. When you feel the need, stick you're dick in the hole for a blowjob."
The next day, the guy saw the owner and said, "This place is great. I'm going to use that barrel every day."
The owner said, "Every day except Mondays."
"Why not on Mondays?"
The owner said, "That's your day in the barrel."
What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather ... kinky is using the whole chicken
Bob was convinced that his wife was cheating on him while he was off on his business trips. Off he went to the pet shop and asked the guy for a talking parrot that would be able to keep an eye on the house. The pet shop owner poitned out the perfect bird, it could speak many languages and had perfect eyesight and would be able to tell Bob what the guy looked like. There was only one problem, the bird had no legs and it had to hold onto its perch by wrapping its dick around it. Bob said this was no problme and promptly paid for the bird and took it home
weeks went by and every time bob came home from his trips he asked the bird what happened and every week the birds reply was "nothing happened this week bob"
finally bob came to the conclusion that his wife was being faithful and told the bird that it would go back to the pet shop this week if nothing happened. after the weeks business trip bob walked up to the bird and asked what happened to which it replied "well on one day the postman knocked on the door and your wife answered it completly naked and told him to follow her"
"yes yes go on" bob said gettin angrier by the second"
"well then he started to strip off and started to follow her towards the couch..."
"what then dammit what the hell did she do???" bob screamed
"i dunno" the parrot replied...." i chucked a boner and fell of my perch!!"
What do you do if your dishwasher breaks?
smack the bitch
Twisted Humor where some of these are from plus thousands more.
