Life to me is a continuos phase. A never-ending tries to change. Even peace and clarity of mind itself is just one passing change. A minute of happiness, an hour of pain, a year of struggle, a lifetime of pursuit of everything one believes in.
When I was a little girl, there was this certain scene that I can recall vividly in my mind. I was five years old. An outdoor Christmas party was organize at the farm. I was excited about it but it was an excitement that I had learned to contain long before I found out that I couldn't go to the party. Youngsters in my family are not allowed to stay out at that age during the evening, whatever reason may that be. Somehow, I was excited and pained. My friends are all going; their parents are nicer, I thought.
The eve of the party arrived and my older brothers and sisters got ready excitedly taking no notice of me. I hated being young. I couldn't wait to grow up. I'm missing all the fun and I'm lonely. Staying at home with Mother while every one of my playmates enjoying the Christmas party, I was gutted. I went to my bed and tried to sleep. This was to become one of the first emotional pains any child will experience. Not that it was that bad but it did hurt. Few minutes later, my Father comes home. Miserable as I was, I got out of bed and kissed him goodnight. Then the most unimaginable words came out of his mouth. How would I like to go to the party? There are lots of children in it and he'd make an exception just for the night. (Only heaven knows how many exceptions he gave me in my entire life as a youngster under his roof.)
It was a night to remember. I won the apple eating game only because the other girl didn't have a good set of teeth. And one of the adults helped me by cunningly holding the apple to my mouth. There were lots of singing, games, dancing and unimaginable amount of sweets and coins. The night turned out to be the one I will cherish along with the other ones that caused me sweet pain.
That moment grew up with me. From time to time, I think of the scene and I feel the pain. I formed this theory that emotional pains are all the same, whether it is cause of misfortune or success. It lingers for a few seconds or minutes but it never stays. Like life, it moves on. Side by side, it grows parallel with each other. My first attraction to opposite sex coincided with my physical change. Imagine the sweet pain of that first stolen kiss. And it made me happy.
Overtime I'm feeling low, I think of memories that gave me pain. It reminds me of how life goes on after a storm. It reminds me of how I outgrew the bad times and yet, how the child in me still lives. I can never experience these sweet pains without the love of people that surrounded me and still surround me.
For my parents, your nurturing love was faultless. For Guiller Panaligan, innocent kiss that can never be forgotten, first love that gave us something to smile for now we are older. Wherever you are, I hope you're happy. Geraldine Arteza, the true love of a true friend, never changing and endless, I wish you peace and good luck. Steve Harper, the unconditional love you gave me is immeasurable. I can only wish you contentment and happiness. These are the people that touch my life. These are the ones that hold a special part in my heart.
(Featured Midi: Return to Innocence by Enigma)