one day at a time
my life is slowly crumbling down around my ears,
8/1/01
cold nites alone
i awake in a cold sweat, breathing hard, tears in my eyes
i wipe the tears from my face, search in the dark to find a match
once, twice, third times a charm
i stumble out of bed, i teeter and totter in the dark
i go to the wash basin to wipe clean my tear-stained face
i slowly walk back to my bed, climb in and up to my shoulders i pull my covers
i lie there still awake, breathing slower now, but again with tears in my eyes
8/19/01
My Heart
When you left you took the best part of me
I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart
I would give my world to have you in my arms again
But now you are gone and have moved on without me by your side
Now sorrow and loneliness are all I see
4/26/02
But now all of that is long gone,
My dear, I cry every nite you aren't with me,
You found me, and my heart was empty then,
Now the distance from your heart to mine,
My heart shudders and my eyes are wet with tears.
Now my days are filled with sadness and pain,
My hands shake and my heart pounds,
My darling, I only wish you could see,
4/27/02
Sometimes it's in something I hear, or maybe something I see.
If only you knew how much I regret shutting you out, especially when I needed you the most.
You were there with me when I thought I was losing my mind.
You were the one that held me when I cried and felt that I couldn't live.
You were the light of my life after the quiet of nothingness.
You were my best friend and together nothing could stop us.
But now, you are gone and things will never be the same.
So now all I can do is fight to keep my sanity and keep the sadness and pain away.
4/28/02
With you nothing could stop me from reaching my goals.
The poetry you would write was ever so beautiful and filled with love.
The angels whispered to me of your sweet tenderness.
You made me see the light when I thought there was only darkness.
But you have taken all of that away.
Your love, so warm and so kind.
4/30/02
I told you all that I had been feeling.
I once had closed off my heart to you, too afraid of letting go.
I hope that what I said today you will keep somewhere in your heart, the tiny part where your love for me lies.
Anything that reminds me of you, close to me do I keep.
Just knowing that, for me, you still care.
I have left pieces of my shattered heart in your hands.
I have a long road ahead of me but you still give me strength to go on.
Through everything I will stand with you, here by your side.
I no longer feel so afraid because in some small way you are still with me.
I know that I am not the same girl you used to know.
My love, all I can do is be here with you and be your friend.
You were once the only light in my life and yes it still burns, only now with a much smaller, softer glow.
Today I shed so many, many tears.
I am still weak and my mind is still spinning round and round.
Many lines have I written, a release for the leftover pain.
The pain and sadness is still in my heart, and for now it is all that remains.
But slowly, if only just a little bit each day.
For as long as I can I will keep a tight grip on my hope and just pray.
Thank you for being my friend, thank you for today.
5/1-2/02
I lie in my bed at night dreaming of your hands touching my soul.
My breathing is fast and deep.
The fire almost consumes me, I am aching and burning with such desire.
Make love to me are the words whispered from my lips.
I am aching for you in the darkest of nights.
My body yearns for your touch.
I am in heaven as I feel your body over mine.
My skin is wet and glistening.
I feel you move into my depths.
And there you are, now, buried deep into me.
We, now, are moving as one.
I scream out, I am enveloped in pure ecstasy.
I reach the point that I think I cannot possibly go past.
You take me higher and higher.
I feel my body shake and writhe in the darkness.
Slowly, ever so slowly I feel my heart slow down.
My breathing slows and my heart beats at a normal pace.
My mouth searches for your lips.
My legs wrap around yours and pull you closer.
My breath quickens and my heart begins to race again.
Once again I am soaring higher and higher.
My love for you knowing no bounds.
Again the whisper comes across my lips.
I want to hold you close and never let you go.
My body writhing under the touch of your fingers.
I awake in a cold sweat and breathing fast.
5/2/02
I'll shed the tears but I am still strong.
You have been so cold towards me these days.
I gave you my heart but all you did was tear it to pieces.
My heart betrays me every time I think of you.
You've gone on without me, leaving me in the dark.
The sun rises, clouds shift, the moon sets, another day has gone by.
My heart aches and beats for your loving touch.
The tears will run, my heart will race.
But now is the time for me to go, from you I will once again walk away.
They say it's better to have loved and lost...
I love you still my dear.
But today is goodbye to you.
Goodbye to you...
i sit alone and weep
ur so far away from me
with you my heart ran wild
6/1/02
i was lost and then you found me.
6/9/02
a quick wind whips it away
the grains slip thru my fingers
now all that is left is the pain
7/24/02
having nothing much, wanting it all
much longer like this, i simply cannot live
on nites like this, do i sit and shiver
anger, fear, and loneliness emotions such as these do i now feel
8/2/02
Help me, untie the ropes that keep me here
Set me free, unchain the pain that is tearing me apart
Give me wings, that I may fly far from this land of misery a sorrow
Open my heart, help me to find happiness once again
Release me, give me the key to unlock my prison door
9/9-12/02
To you I give all of my sorrow and pain. I give to you my weaknesses and insecurities. My tears fall, but no gentler than you. My warm breath in the air, my wishes whisked away by the cool night winds. No stars do I see, no sign of a surely needed respite. I feel your wetness, and I shiver deep inside. My mind is clouded, as is the sky. I send up a silent prayer, my only question... why? I cannot help myself, I shake from more than the cool air you bring. But maybe it is more than that I often wonder. Into the dark of this rain filled night do I release, the anguish and despair that I cannot help to feel. It hangs, heavy in the air around me, like so much fog rising from the warmer earth. October rain, I have given to you of myself what no one else may see, hear, or know. These tears and emotions, they whip through me like the harshest of winds through the dying trees. Another tear drops, I'm so tired and my reserve is waning more and more each day. All that I have left, all that I now am, to you, my October rain, do I leave...
10/14/02
a painting of my world
trembling, tired and scared...
memories are now all that i have left of you
down my cheeks the tears are rolling
you found me and my world came alive
without you i'm just lost...
12/14/02
that is where my heart is, and you are still by my side
it is beautiful there, more so than you could ever dream of
the birds, sweet and joyful melododies they are singing
the hills covered in a rolling sea of green
sitting at the base of a grand old oak tree
a smile plays across both our faces
i look deep into your eyes and see the beautiful soul within
i sit up and pull you close, feeling your heart thundering against my chest
i never wish to leave this place i whisper to you
i hear you whisper back the words i love you so
i've been in love with you since the day i met you
so filled with joy and excitement am i that i begin to run
here in the land of dreams everything is possible, no boundries will ever be set
laughing so hard at this crazy chase
i slow and and you catch me in your arms and spin me around
breathlessly i say again to you that i love you
but the words never come and this world begins to fade
where are you, where did you go my love
my body shaking and shuddering, the air is pieced with my cries and screams
3/13/03
all i want is for someone to hold me and erase my fears.
trapped and cornered, that is how i feel,
all i want is to go far away, go away and heal.
it's my own fault, i got me here, and now all i feel is pain,
i try to block it out, then my emotions take over, and the tears fall like the rain.
i've made bad choices,
i've chosen to not listen to the voices.
the voices of experience and time,
but now i'm paying the price, it's out of my own fear filled hole i've got to climb.
my heart is broken and the pieces have scattered,
can i leave them behind as if nothing ever mattered?
maybe some day, i'll find the pieces and put them back together,
i can't go on like this, no not for forever.
this is my journey, without reason or rhyme,
all i have to do is to take things...
one day at a time......
i'm alone, another nitemare, no one around to hear my cries
striking once, the flame flickers, i move to light the candle but the wick won't catch
so cold in here, i rub my arms trying to stay warm
i walk into my nitestand, ouch, that's gonna leave a mark
i feel a slight chill, it gets so cold, in this dark and lonely place
on my pillow i lay my head, close my eyes and not knowing what dreams may come, my heart shudders
i'm alone, another dark and lonely nite, no one around to hear my cries
My heart aches, afraid of the loneliness.
My eyes are wet, swollen from crying.
Deep within my frightened soul, I am slowly dieing.
Something beautiful and special that I once knew.
Something that is now gone, leaving only sad memories of me and you.
Where did love go wrong, never shall I know because you are gone.
What was once now and forever more is now long gone and never more.
Would I, if wishes came true, turn back the hands of time and re pledge my undying love for you.
I have lost it all in a few unemotional words.
Something I wish my heart and ears had never heard.
I will go on and the pain will some day heal.
But for now it is only pain and loneliness that I truly feel.
My heart aches, afraid of the loneliness.
It is now all gone, leaving only sad memories of me and you.
Now and forever will I love you.
You may not know or believe it but it's very true.
My heart beats, fast and uneven even though it feels like it's in pieces.
3/31/02
Right Now
Right now, today is what matters the most to me.
The future is something I cannot see.
So for now I will live each day.
Shaping it and filling it with good things, happy things to brighten my way.
I will live my life one day at a time.
Over each hurtle I will jump and each hill I will climb.
Slowly and carefully, one day at a time.
4/4/02
The Road Ahead
I have a long hard road ahead of me.
There is still doubt, fear, loneliness, and pain inside of me.
But all these things I will over come.
Now is the time to look out for number one.
My heart still races and drums a fast beat.
When the battle is won, victory will be sweet.
4/4/02
Sorrow
Now sorrow and loneliness are all I see
You said you were leaving but never said goodbye
Now sorrow and loneliness are all I see
So I am alone here and all I can do is cry
The look in your eyes as you told me you were through
It broke my love for you into pieces and that was the best part of me
I see you, here and there, and all I want to do is run to you
My hands are shaking as I see the memories of a love now gone
Maybe you are better off without me, the best for you that we did part
The love I once knew, now gone, left alone, like in some sad love song
But you have turned away and left me on my own
I would give my world to have you tell me you love me again
You made me the happiest, a joy without you I'd never known
Even after you left me there was still hope, if only just a single spark
But then it was crushed when I found out you'd moved on and and had someone new by your side
So now, I'm picking up the shattered slivers of what was once my beating heart
You said you were leaving but never said goodbye
Now sorrow and loneliness are all I see
So I am alone here and all I can do is cry
I Only Wish
My darling, I only wish you could see,
I wish you could see how happy you once made me.
you took my love with you, and now I don't know where I belong.
the silence is deafening and my heart is broken, I wish you could see.
but you gave me your love and I was happy once again.
it's so great and far, this road, not a short and easy line.
You once took me in your arms and erased all of my fears.
my emotions running wild and my tears falling like a pouring rain.
the silence, without your love for me, there are no sounds.
I wish you could see how lonely I am without you near me.
You Were
Each day, I try to pull myself together.
I tell myself that this sadness and heartache won't last forever.
But whatever it is it makes me realize that you are no longer with me.
Maybe just maybe then you would see that you were my everything and that without you I am lost.
Your hands, hardened by worry and life, yet so gentle and kind.
You wiped my tears away and brought a smile to my face, all you did was give and give.
Your smile brightened my days and brought me out of the darkness.
You made love to me and we were one, joining our souls, and it was love, not only lust.
I can't go back to yesterday because everything has changed.
Now and forever, my darling, I will love you until my dieing day.
You
Your love, so warm and so kind.
Another like it I know I will never find.
Now my heart feels as if it's riddled with holes.
It made me happy and made my heart soar higher than the clouds above.
Love, honor, compassion, serenity, the gifts you brought were endless.
You loved me with all your being, you were the end all, be all of my very happiness.
You told me you were through and I will never forget that day.
Another like it I know I will never find.
Today
I went to you and I was scared of your turning me away.
You put your arm around me and let me cry and never will I forget this day.
It was so much that even my own mind was reeling.
Now that I have told you everything my heart is lighter because you know.
I have felt so alone, without you beside me, without you to hear my heart's cries.
I remember your love, and dream of you when I finally fall asleep.
It helps fight off the pain and endless despair.
Do with them as you will, I am willing to let things lie, just as everything now stands.
I will not give up until every shred of hope is gone.
I will be there with you and my love for you is alive until letting me go is what you decide.
My love for you, my kindess and caring towards you I hope you can and will see.
But everyone changes and with time old memories just go.
I will always be someone you can turn to, right to the end.
My love for you is more than you will ever know.
I told you of all my love, my anger and I told you all of fears.
But today there is a new hope, shortly lost but now again found.
My hope is only that everything wasn't all in vain.
Each night my pillow is wet and covered in tear stains.
The despair is easier to keep at bay.
Pray that once again you will be mine again, some time from now, some day not too far away.
You showed me you still cared, in your heart's own small way.
Desires Of The Night
I want to hold you close and never let you go.
My deepest desires and fantasies only you would ever know.
I feel them, touching my skin and setting me on fire, burning so hot it's cold.
The memories of your touch my skin will forever keep.
I am hot to the touch and my skin is on fire.
Your hands roam over me, my shoulders, my breasts, my legs, my hips.
My heart is racing for you, my desire for you knows limitless heights.
Anticipating each thrill, it could never be too much.
I could stay here with you until the ends of time.
Only to our hearts beating am I listening.
I shiver in anticipation, waiting, my breathing coming in short and fast breaths.
I feel you inside of me, the flames of desire are all I see.
Our bodies entwined, breathing hard and fast, and we've only just begun.
Our love-making, my one deepest, darkest fantasy.
This feeling I wish it would always last.
I have now gone past the point of my limitless desire.
The depths and heights of our passion are boundless.
I am brought back down from the clouds, back down to the ground.
My hands search in the dark for your face.
Still moving, wanting closer to you I arch my hips.
Rocking my body into yours, once again driving you into me, even deeper.
Feeling as though I just may lose consciencousness every now and then.
Soaring into a limitless world of desire.
Our breathing and our racing hearts being the only sounds.
As my hands roam over your body there's a burning in my fingertips.
My deepest desires and fantasies only you would ever know.
Even at the dawning of a new day the trails of your desire still linger.
Realizing it was only a dream and that my heaven is gone and only a thing of the past.
My Life
Each day I seem to lose a little more of myself.
The chain that binds me to this life slips a little more from my ever weakening hands.
I look in the mirror and all I see is fear and doubt.
It's so hard to go to sleep at night because I know the dreams will come.
And just as hard to wake up each day knowing what I have to face.
Seems just a little more hopeless as the days go by.
I don't know what makes me go on.
Too easy to take my own life, yet so hard.
And for some unforseen reason I don't have the will to give up.
What makes me go on?
I do not have the answer to that or any of the other questions I ask myself every single day.
Alone is what I feel, pain deep in my heart, and the aching fear that it may never mend.
My life, just slipping more and more through my hands.
Feels as if I have no control over anything.
Like my life is just someone's wicked game.
The sun shines in the morning and the moon sets at night.
Neither seem to phase me a bit.
Only signs of a days ending or beginning.
My life, once a bright fire, is now only a small and bare flicker of light.
Each day I just go through the motions.
Only doing what I must, for nothing else matters.
Live, breathe, eat, sleep.
Over and over and over, every day.
My life it seems, is only a cruel joke.
Barely conscienceous of the daily happenings.
Only slightly more aware of what is most relative to living and life's most basic needs.
I've lost such a precious piece of my soul, my heart, my life, my everything.
Nothing makes much sense these days.
Sanity is something unknown to me.
My eyes tear up but are soon dry once again.
The tears have been shed and no longer do I feel the need to let them flow.
What's been done has been done and I have tried without success to try to gain back that which I lost such a short time long ago.
For the most part, I guess I have given up.
Only some tiny part of me has not.
I see no reason why I should keep trying.
No glint of hope in sight.
And still, that tiny part of me keeps going on.
Maybe I shall someday find a reason, but for now I have no clue.
My heart does deceive me, it loves, it cares.
Still searching for the meanings of it's own journey.
This is my life, day by day.
A life without meaning.
5/5/02
Each Day (just a scribbling)
I lay awake at night and just close my eyes and think of all that has been happening to me.
For two days now, as sad as I am, I've been unable to cry.
Maybe it's better for me this way.
Becuase I can still release bits and pieces of the pain that still resides in my heart into the words that flow through my fingers.
I wake up every day with this feeling, a feeling that I will remain alone.
And for now, I am content with the idea.
Why, I do not know, only that that is how I see myself.
Every day I am sad, and I still feel lonely.
Some days it seems a bit easier, some days are much harder.
I try to occupy my time with things that still interest me.
But it doesn't always work.
Books, music, writing, those things work better than most.
All I can do is take each day as it comes and hope that something good will come of it.
5/6/02
Today Is Goodbye...
Today is the day I say goodbye.
I'll try not to but I know I will cry.
I hope the choices we've both made aren't wrong.
You've hurt me in so many, many ways.
Each day it's a little more of my sanity that my heart sacrifices.
I never knew I could both love and hate someone so much, but now I do.
Now and forever, on my heart, you've left an indelible mark.
All I ever do is ask myself why, why, why.
Sometimes I think it's all just way too much.
In my dreams I still see your once loving face.
I have tried my best to keep my hope alive, but all hope is finally gone today.
Nobody likes losing, not even at their own heart's cost.
A picture of you in my heart, I will always keep near.
How I've always wished this was something I'd never, ever have to do.
just a lil rhyme
muh heart is broken
i can't breathe, i'm chokin
the sadness into muh heart it does creep
can't you see all i want is u here wit me
now that your gone i cry like a lonely child
a new love found
i listen to your laugh and you make me smile.
so many times you've already made me happy.
even tho it's been just a short while.
you are the candle that lites my way.
if i were try to tell you how wonderful you make me feel.
there aren't enough hours in the day.
for so long before you found me all i knew was hopelesness and despair.
now that i know i love you and you love me I know the Goddess has answered my prayer.
i look at you and i see the gates to heaven in your eyes.
my heart flutters at your touch and my feelings for you i cannot disguise.
I care about you so much and my love for you grows stronger every single day.
hook, line, and sinker, i have fallen for you in every possible way.
time n pain
time is like a grain of sand
so small i barely see it in the palm of my hand
and soon it is another day
so only a bare memory lingers
much bigger than a simple sand grain
what's left
in the middle, here i am
left without a leg, on which to stand
over the edge of heaven, do i now fall
seeking something, yet there's nothing i find
wandering around, peering into the shadows of my mind
of myself, in this way, will soon be unable to give
a quick and painless release, only a dreamless sleep can deliver
day in and day out, wishing none of this were truely real
Tears & Emotions
Each day my emotions run the gamut.
I try not to let them take control over me.
But my efforts sometimes seem fruitless.
I do things to try to keep my mind off of what depresses me.
I listen to music, read, talk to my friends, sleep...
It's during the night, in the quiet hours, that's the hardest of all.
It is then that my mind spins it's own web...
Weaving intricate designs using my sorrow and pain for guidelines.
My mind wanders over so many, many things, it's hard to keep track...
Flitting from thought to thought like a bee searching for nectar.
My breathing coming often in short fast breaths...
My heart racing like a wind whipping thru the leaves of a tree.
Many a nite I lay in bed, hoping for the ease of mind that only dreamless sleep can bring...
A sigh escapes my lips, a single tear falls from the corner of my eye.
My heart, beating a slow and steady rythm, feels as though it will break in two.
I shiver though I am warm beneath my heavy blanket.
My head on a soft pillow, damp from tears shed in sorrow...
I cannot help but weep, for there is so much pain that still resides within my heart.
Soon sleep finally comes and off I drift into the world beyond consciousness...
Dreams are few and far in between.
All I have now are the emotions flooding me from within and the tears falling from my eyes.
(8/20/02)
Anger Rising
Like a full moon rising in the nite...
My anger rises, deep and heavy inside me.
Confusion, frustration, sorrow, pain...
These emotions are my kings...
And I am but their humble servant.
My fists clenching, my heart racing...
All I want to do is scream.
To voice my raging thoughts and shout out.
To be left alone, with out a care in the world.
Sometimes that is my only wish.
Yet I am afraid of lonliness...
This fear shakes me to my very core.
My world is a world of pain, sorrow, disillusion, confusion, and frustration.
The empty bitterness of being alone at the end of it all.
This is a world of my own making...
Yet I have no control over it now.
I feel it, swelling, shaping itself, deep inside to my very soul...
It's the anger rising...
(8/21/02)
Purple Waves
Purple waves of haze wash over me...
A warm feeling of contentment envelopes me.
I am flying, floating, riding this wonderful feeling...
Soaring higher than the clouds.
Reveling in the sweetest of sensations.
Is this heaven I wonder...
But I do not care, as long as it lasts for just a lil bit longer.
Ah, how wonderful, I think to myself...
A respite from the often unbearable, agonizing hell I seem to live in.
So for now, for as long as it lasts...
I will enjoy this haze, this haze of purple waves of bliss that has washed over me...
(8/21/02)
days go by
days go by, some worse than others
moods worsen, anger so high it smothers
little things to set me off and get me riled up
to the whole world i wish to just say shut up!!
my own lil piece of hell, my own lil world
my life laid out before me, unfurled
my own corner, my own little piece
wishing for nothing more than ease of heart and peace
days go by, my world darkens just a lil bit more
shaking me, scaring me, right to the core
8/24/02
Release Me
Release me, unbind the chains that hold
Break away, free me from the pain that is so cold
Take pity on me, I want to run from this dark fear
Open my eyes, lead me on a path away from the hurt in my heart
Send me hope, that I may believe that there will be a happier tomorrow
Light the way, for I lose sight of heaven, every now and then
Release me, let me fly free, that my soul may soar
October Rain
Dear October rain,
i wish i could i could draw or paint. for i would construct for you a picture of the world in which i live. a world of twists and turns, of tunnels of unending darkness and bottomless despair. in one single image i would encompass everything that i am and have ever been. the shades of color would surely bespell you and give you a glimpse into the atmosphere that surrounds my soul. the depths of my darkness and the heights of my heart would astound you and leave you gasping, searching for the stability of the reality in which you surround your own existance with.
11/17/02
The Stranger That Stole My Heart
You've walked into my life and taken ahold of my heart. I can barely breath except when I am held close by your strong arms. You've broken through my walls and my soul has flown to you. When your eyes stare into mine you seem to reach the deepest part of me. It's as if you've put me under a spell, but my heart knows that all of this is very real. My heart beats out a rythm to a song in which the only lyrics are "I love you." Your touch is so gentle and warm... So kind and caring it melts away the pain and fear that's been haunting me for so long. What is it that you've done to me, my dark-eyed stranger? Who are you and why did you choose me?
11/28/02
lost
the light that had shown so bright has faded once again
i'm stumbling, floundering in the dark, lost in a world of pain
yearning, burning for those few heavenly moments we shared
i can only hope that you know you were once a dream come true
i cannot keep them from shedding, flowing
now that you're gone it's into a river of despair in which i dive
land of dreams
in a land far away where dreams never die
a place filled with so much happiness one could never cry
when we are there i am happy and filled with joy and pride
each day the air is warm and sweet, a golden sun shining up above
the trees are heavy with fruits, ripe and ready for picking
flowers of every color for many miles can be seen
my head on your lap, looking up at you and you down at me
we laugh together and my heart races
a sigh escapes my lips and my smile turns to a wryful grin
my own heart radiating such feelings, words alone could never fully express
for if i did, my heart would surely break in two
i reply that i love you more than you'll ever know
you had me from hello and we both knew it too
running like the wind, you close behind, this is so much fun
no one here is ever sad, lonely, hearts are never broken, from pain eyes never wet
my heart matching this fast pace
both our legs weak from laughing we soon fall to the ground
i wait for you to say you love me too
my heart is being ripped out but not by a knife blade
i fall to my knees, my eyes pleading with the stars above
for now i know i am only in love with a memory in the land of dreams
to dream
a smile on her lips
a gleam in her eye
a pounding in her heart
a stirring in her soul
a whisper of heaven
peering, into an angel's eyes she looks
words, they have no meaning
speaking, a waste of breath
flowing, the emotions
a tear, can it all be real?
a look, a touch, a million gestures and words spoken in silence
a sigh, a moment in time
a rush, the freedom of it all
a story, only just begun
a thought, rising from deep within
a tight embrace, a joining of more than bodies
a tear, a prayer, a wish made with the heart
a dream, a journey into realms of the unknown
is it all just a dream?
6/16/03