Player Profiles

Let me introduce you to the team!!!

In goal we have Martyn Allcock, a crap outfield player who moved into goal when he discovered that he could not be arsed with all the hard work that playing outfield entails. Unfortunately Martyn tends to be a little injury prone. This has led to Chris "the Cat" Hunter deputising, which he did superbly! Watch out Martyn he has an eye on the number one jersey.

The "defence" consists of Chris Hunter and Alex Chisholm. Chris Verrechia was also a key element of this unit, until he realised that it was not compulsary, and now chooses to stay in bed or go fishing. This is a strong defence who rarely let any player through. The few that are "allowed" to go through are simply our way of giving Martyn some much needed exercise! The brutality in their tackling has sent many players crawling off the pitch, you have to admire that!

Thomas Chisholm, Stuart Pinkerton and Vinny Collie form the outstanding "midfield" trio whom every team fear, and many say have five left feet(Two each for Stuart and Tom). The amazing individual skill of Stuart and the brilliant "head down" runs of Thomas have created many goals throughout the season. Vinny, a recent addition to the squad, has done very well to fit in with the culture and work ethic of the club. Signed for £2.50 and a packet of cheesy Wotsits, he adds "experience" to a young team. Thomas has proved a female fans favourite, always sporting the latest hair-do, from the mullet of the 90's, to the present day Elvis. As for Stuart, he supplies much needed finesse to a team otherwise full of thugs, donkeys, and of course Elvis

Finally, the "strikeforce". After the retirement of Andy Kemp and the recent "no shows" of Nick Yorston, the responsibility of goalscoring lies heavily upon the shoulders of the one and only David Wallace. Offers of transfers to big named clubs such as Outer Milan has not waivered the concentration of this player who remains loyal to the team he loves. His goal scoring boots have been firmly on through his fantastic career with Unreal and we all hope it continues for many more. The approaching return of Nick is also causing a buzz amongst the fans and club alike, and will surely boost the teams attempts to catch Outer Milan at the top of the table. As a team, there is work to be done on finishing the silky moves we compile, but the defensive prowess of the team as a whole covers it well.

Martyn "pick up a stone" Allcock - goalie

Earlier in the season he encountered a dislocated finger through a vicious strike at goal which he brilliantly saved. This resulted in Chris Hunter being forced into goal. He is just starting to get back to his previous form but has been left dumbfounded by the dazzeling performances of Chris "the cat" Hunter (a name he obtained during his time between the sticks). With many fantastic performances behind him, Martyn has easily achived most man of the match awards (or is the only one?) which has helped achieve big-club status. However, his uncanny ability to let in stupid goals (ie nutmegs) has been noted!

Chris "vodka and coke" Hunter - defender

An extremely consistent performer at the back, not a reflection on his sexual preference (we think??) One of the few who resists the temptation of the opposition goal, Chris's defending is second to none. Having said this, he does pop up with vital goals when we need them. Recently away on a training camp in Florida, Chris returned in tip-top condition, with all of the team commenting on his new physique!! What a great player...Stepping into the goal to replace the injured keeper early on in the season he was determined to make an impact. That he achieved!

Alex "the bisim" Chisholm - defender

Although standing at a towering 6ft 3" and commanding the defence, he is known as the team bitch. The name does not come from any weird shower-room antics but rather from his constant moaning towards teammates and referees who "never listen" to him. This reminded us of a quality that only women tend to have.The right foot of this player can unleash one of the most powerful shots that 5-a-side football knows of and he rarely goes a game without scoring. He gives David Wallace a run for top goalscorer every season which resulted in Outer Milan making a sneaky sweep for him at the close of last season. Alex decided to stay with Unreal, knowing of their chances for sucess and silverware in the forthcoming season. That and his knowledge that moaning at Outer Milan players would probably lead to him going to an early grave.

Chris "hangover" Varrechia - defender

Chris was a very strong part of the defensive unit, and will be heavily missed. A part of the team as long as most of us can remember, Chris was a consistent performer, whom Martyn greatly appreciated. He may not have scored the most goals, but he certainly prevented a few. He was also our designated smoker, and the search has been stepped up to find a replacement as soon as possible. A new porn vender must also be found soon, as many players are suffering from withdrawal symptoms. Last seen making a move for a job in London, we wish Chris luck with his new career and assure him that a testimonial is on the cards.

Stuart "the Pinky" Pinkerton - midfielder

A third of the heart of the team, Stuart is the smallest (nothing to do with pinkies!!) of the team, but this should not fool anyone. He always gets his moneys worth,although this has led to much publicised police interventions. On his day, Staurt will turn the opposition inside out, and leave many trying to break his legs, something which has been tried quite a few times, as the bruises show. Capable of manipulating balls in ways the others would never dream of, he adds a much needed angle to the attacking options.

Tom "maurice malpas" Chisholm - midfielder

A target for much stick, even though he is 6ft 4", Thomas copes with it well, and probably does most on-the-ball running. With his long legs flailing, opposition rarely know where he is heading, and neither do we! His strength in the tackle has led to him picking up a recurring ankle injury, although he plays through the pain barrier, with true Chisholm mentality (or stupidity as it is otherwise known). Pain relieving injections are a possibility for next season. His hair has led to inquiries by L'Oreal about a commercial, but they decided that he was NOT worth it.

Vinny "Predator" Collie - midfield

A mid-season signing, Vinny is by far the oldest member of the squad. Apart from age, he has also added daisy cutters and graft to the midfield, which have been greatly appreciated. With by far the most expensive footwear in the squad, after cliching a sponsorship deal with Addidas, Vinny's long range efforts lead to many an embarassing moment for opposition goalies, with curl and power combining. Hopefully soon, he will master the curl enough to finish of some one on ones. All-in-all, he has proved an inspirational signing, but an offer of £5 and a packet of spearmint polos was recently dismissed as ludicrous by the club board.

Dave "the brave" Wallace - striker

In from the start, David has always been a good source of goals for the team, which has been valued even more after the departure of Andy Kemp. Well known for his courage to enter 50-50 challenges and his fearless attitude when skipping past defenders, he picked up the nickname of Dave the Brave. Always willing to have a shot, Dave will always be remembered for an over-head kick finish, which touched the hearts of everyone who saw it. After joining Chris on the training camp, David seems to have returned with a great hunger for goals, a good sign for the new season. He also seems to have shaken off his nigly injuries, which leaves him to concentrate on the game. By far the quickest, David burns up the carpet on route to goal, although he assures us that he has cream for his carpet burns.

Andy "twinkle toes" Kemp - striker

A natural finisher, Andy was one of the original Porty Pirates (our original name- changed after one week to save embarassment.) He outscored the rest of us by far, and infuriated many a defence. Small enough to sneak through most peoples legs, Andy rammed in more than a cheap prostitute. Another smoker, Andy resigned a couple of seasons ago, but just when we were about to retire his shirt, he made a shock appearance. Having performed well, the rest of the team hope he once again decides to become a regular. Forcing his way back into the starting 7 could prove difficult, although it is rumoured he is jogging 15 miles a day and doing weights twice a day, so the rest of the sqaud should sit up and take notice.

Nick "i'm working" Yorston - striker

An ever present in the early days of the team, Nick quickly learned the art of controlling a game. Now a part-time player, he does not see our wages as sufficient and has a job in a bar. Having been threatened with fines, Nick has decided to leave university to concentrate on his Unreal career, and will soon be a regular again. The newspapers' constant interest in his womanising exploits, is more than made up for by his consistently good showings on the pitch. Is currently thinking over a training camp in Greece, Nick's return is highly anticepated by all, altough competition for places may be strong.

Backroom Staff and supporters, To have your name added simply e-mail us from home page!!

Dennis "the fan" Allcock - physio/first team coach/solitary fan

A recent addition to the backroom staff, Dennis spends the occasional Sunday morning viewing the team's performance. His shouts and taunts can frequently be heard form the stands, and sometimes they are even complimentary!! His medical training came in handy recently, when Martyn dislocated his finger in a gruesome fashion. Dennis resisted the oppertunity to put Martyn through immense pain by "relocating" the finger on the spot and took him to hospital, something we were all a little surprised, and some would say disappointed by! His coaching has deffinately paid dividends, and his experience in the Spanish league has the team playing very attractive football. A vital member of the squad, he is currently in talks with the club over a new, improved contract.