toobad2bstr8: I'm trying to think of something witty to say to make you not hate me.
NasteeFoxx: How about Hi?
toobad2bstr8: Hi, Mulder.
NasteeFoxx: Hi, Alex.
NasteeFoxx: So, I guess you had somewhere to be?
toobad2bstr8: I shouldn't have gone. I'm sorry. I could say yes. It'd be true. But not the whole truth. I was afraid to wake up to you.
NasteeFoxx: I'm good enough to fuck, but not to eat scrambled eggs with?
toobad2bstr8: I know it wasn't dinner and a movie and champagne roses, but...it wasn't just a fuck to me. You have to know that.
NasteeFoxx: Well, I thought I did, until I woke up alone.
toobad2bstr8: I thought maybe that's how you'd want it. I thought realizations would come crashing down. I assumed eggs were out of the question, Mulder.
toobad2bstr8: I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry.
NasteeFoxx: Well, any eggs I have in my fridge *are* probably a few months old, but I always have coffee. And there's a great bakery down the street a couple of blocks.
toobad2bstr8: I try to imagine myself doing those things with you. Coffee...an almond croissant.... I wish it was, but this isn't easy for me, Mulder. I can't quite believe you're offering to give me...
NasteeFoxx: I didn't just throw you up against the wall for a mindless fuck. Well, that's not all, anyway. I let you in. You were in, Alex.
toobad2bstr8: Were? Have I fucked this up beyond repair?
NasteeFoxx: No, Alex. I'm just saying that *you* were the one to choose to go back out.
NasteeFoxx: Didn't you know that would...affect me?
toobad2bstr8: I guess I wasn't thinking about that. I'm not used to having anyone care that way.
NasteeFoxx: I suppose that's fair enough. Well, in case you have forgotten, and you need more time to get used to it, I'll say it again. I love you, you little chickenshit.
toobad2bstr8: I can't imagine ever being used to hearing that. Mulder, I've never...heard it before. From anyone. I've never woken up with someone.
NasteeFoxx: I guess I have my work cut out for me, then.
toobad2bstr8: I guess you do.
NasteeFoxx: Okay, like I said, fair enough, but we're going to have to set some guidelines here, because I don't exactly have the easiest time being *left* every time you get freaked out.
toobad2bstr8: I know. I won't do it again. I wanted to stay, Mulder. I woke up and your arm was thrown across my chest and you were drooling on my shoulder. I didn't ever want to leave. I mean ever...
NasteeFoxx: Heh. There are Kleenexes on the nightstand. Sorry about the drool. It's just what you do to me, I guess. ;-)
toobad2bstr8: And then...I just kept picturing your face when you woke up and saw me there. I didn't think I could survive it if you had regrets. If the love I'd seen in your eyes before was just...gone.
NasteeFoxx: Like you were just...gone? Yeah, you're right. That *is* really painful.
NasteeFoxx: Shit. All right. Let's stop this sniping around in circles. To get things straight between us, let me tell you something. You leaving me is probably the most pain you can put me in. It's my worst fear. That I'm being stupid letting you in, and you're just going to choose something else over me someday.
toobad2bstr8: And mine is that you'll realize you don't really love me. That I am, after all, unlovable.
NasteeFoxx: Alex, I don't fall in love on a whim. Especially when I already have a love. A person would have to be damned fucking special to me for me to ever do that. I love you. Just...try to get that through your head. Okay? I love you.
toobad2bstr8: I love you, too. And next time I'll stay. I'll even buy the croissants. Mulder, leaving you...really leaving you...is impossible.
NasteeFoxx: That's hard for me to believe, because you've left before, but I'm tired of going over the old pain. Why don't you get over here and let me drool on you some more instead?
toobad2bstr8: God, I wish I could. I can't. I'm really pretty glad I can't see your face when I tell you this, but I'm on another assignment. I'm out of the country. I'm so sorry.
NasteeFoxx: I'm curious. What do you think you would see on my face?
toobad2bstr8: Anger? Aren't you angry?
NasteeFoxx: Frustrated, disappointed, horny...but I wouldn't say angry, per se.
NasteeFoxx: Although I've heard it all looks the same on me. Heh.
toobad2bstr8: I'm frustrated, disappointed, and horny, too. And I miss you, Fox. I fucking miss you so much. I have since I stepped foot outside your apartment.
NasteeFoxx: I wish I'd gotten to kiss you goodbye. So...when will I get to kiss you hello?
toobad2bstr8: Try a month. At least.
NasteeFoxx: Fuck.
toobad2bstr8: No. Not for me.
toobad2bstr8: God, does it make me the biggest goddamned asshole that I HATE that you...that you can...that you have...HER!
NasteeFoxx: No, it doesn't. I'm sorry. It's not fair.
NasteeFoxx: That brings up something...
toobad2bstr8: That easy, huh? ;-)
NasteeFoxx: LOL!
NasteeFoxx: Just a- fuckin' bout, babe.
NasteeFoxx: I talked to Scully some more. After you left. That day.
toobad2bstr8: Was it a this-is- how-Alex-gives-head talk? Or more than that?
NasteeFoxx: LOL...more than that.
NasteeFoxx: You know, just imagining your sexy voice saying that gets me hard.
toobad2bstr8: Mmmm, and now that I know what 'hard' looks and *feels* like... God, I'm hard, too.
NasteeFoxx: When you first IM'd me and I didn't know it was you, then you gave me that little scenario with dark hair, green eyes, and you whispering in my ear how bad you wanted me to fuck you, the *second* I figured out it was you, I heard that fucking low, sexy voice in my ear, and I was so helplessly, instantly, painfully hard that I could barely breathe.
toobad2bstr8: I was breathing for you, Mulder. God, I was breathing so hard. I didn't know if you would know it was me. I didn't know if I wanted you to know.
toobad2bstr8: I'm so glad, now, that you did.
toobad2bstr8: Jesus, Mulder. I don't know what I wanted to happen. What I thought would happen. I never expected this...for my life to change. Thank you for letting me in. I wish I could kiss you now.
NasteeFoxx: I suppose I always figured, at least in the back of my mind, that it was just a matter of time. I mean, I'm a psychologist, after all. I could only bullshit myself about how much I wanted you for just so long.
NasteeFoxx: But I didn't know you wanted me.
toobad2bstr8: I want you so bad I can taste the warm skin of your cock when I swallow. I've always wanted you.
NasteeFoxx: Ugh. Alex. Jesus...
NasteeFoxx: I'm touching myself now, but my hand doesn't compare to your soft, hot, moist, pink lips wrapped around me.
toobad2bstr8: I'm touching myself, too. Fuck, I want you, Mulder.
NasteeFoxx: Suck me, Alex.
NasteeFoxx: I want to rub the head of my cock along your lips slowly, making them glisten with my precum.
toobad2bstr8: Jesus... I want that, too. I want to be on my knees, head tilted up, tongue darting out to lick your taste off of you...off of my lips.
NasteeFoxx: Wanna wrap my hands in that silky, spiky dark hair of yours and hold your head in place, pushing myself gently between your lips.
toobad2bstr8: Mulder, it gets me so turned on to think of you holding me there. Use me. I want you to use me. Use my mouth to get yourself off.
NasteeFoxx: Oh...god...alex...pushing...thrusting...so hot so wet so tight and the sounds you makejesusgodfuckcommmmming
NasteeFoxx: Oh god. Alex. I'd come hard down your beautiful throat, then pull you up for a deep kiss, sucking my taste off your tongue, ripping your jeans open.
toobad2bstr8: Yes. Please touch my cock, Mulder...
toobad2bstr8: It's yours. I'm so yours. You turn me around. Lean my back up against your chest. Your hand wraps around me. You mumble things in my ear...about how you want to fuck my tight ass. And you pull on my cock. You tell me what you want to do with me...and you fist meshitohshitmmmmmmmmmmhjndthj
toobad2bstr8: Sorry. LOL!
NasteeFoxx: ::g:: I'm glad it was as good for you as it was for me.
NasteeFoxx: Although, in your scenario, I didn't get to fuck you yet.
toobad2bstr8: I couldn't wait for you to. Shit, if I'd had to wait through typing all that, I would have fucking killed someone.
NasteeFoxx: LOL...don't want that.
NasteeFoxx: Don't kill anybody. I mean, you know what I mean. That you don't...absolutely have to.
NasteeFoxx: Shit, that's lame.
toobad2bstr8: No. It's not.
NasteeFoxx: I know sometimes you deal with bad people. And it's you or them. I want you alive. That's all I'm going to say.
toobad2bstr8: I don't want to anymore. I mean, I won't lie to you. There was a time when I couldn't have cared less...
toobad2bstr8: I'm not there anymore. I'm not that person. And I know what you're saying, Mulder. Believe me, I don't want to get myself killed. I've got something to live for.
NasteeFoxx: Yeah. I'll kick your ass if you get killed now.
toobad2bstr8: LOL! I love you. Whether you're kicking my ass or... ;-)
NasteeFoxx: I'm sorry about that. Hurting you. I was so self- centered. All I could see was my own pain. You make me crazy.
toobad2bstr8: I kind of like making you crazy, Mulder.
NasteeFoxx: LOL...touch of the masochist in there, Krycek?
NasteeFoxx: Hey, just kidding. Now that I've got my head out of my ass about what to *do* with all that crazy, I like it a lot, too.
toobad2bstr8: Yeah, I like that we have a different way of expressing ourselves. I like it too much. I'm realizing how much now that I know I can't have it for so long.
NasteeFoxx: Let's not talk about that. We'll have this, right? This is more than we had. And we'll have more soon, right?
NasteeFoxx: I have to ask this again, Alex. Are you safe?
toobad2bstr8: Christ, when you ask, I just want to hold you so tight it hurts and never let go. Yes, I think so. I'm just doing some clean up. It's something that's necessary now. I'll tell you more when it's closer to done with.
NasteeFoxx: Tell me what you can. Don't tell me anything...anything at all that would endanger you. Promise me?
toobad2bstr8: You have my word.
NasteeFoxx: When I imagine you *not* safe I just want to handcuff you to my bed and never let you leave again.
toobad2bstr8: Would you feed me dark chocolate and chilled shots of Stoli, lover?
NasteeFoxx: Ohhhh I'd feed you more than that, but yeah, I'd let you have some actual food, too.
toobad2bstr8: Mmmmmm, I'd much rather eat you. Just straddle my face any time you like and I'll suck you until you can't come any more. That'll be my new assignment when I get home: to make sure you have your daily doses of oral lovin'.
NasteeFoxx: I'll never make it into work. Fuck the FBI.
NasteeFoxx: ::g::
toobad2bstr8: LOL!! Yeah. Fuck 'em all.
toobad2bstr8: But I'm forgetting something...
NasteeFoxx: LOL...Alex, are you really laughing?
toobad2bstr8: Yes. You're the only one who can make me laugh. Really laugh.
toobad2bstr8: Well, Scully did, too. When I talked to her. Which brings me to what I was forgetting. Perhaps on purpose.
NasteeFoxx: What are you forgetting?
toobad2bstr8: That you already have someone to make sure you're taken care of. You have someone to kiss. To hold. To nail against a wall if you want to. I'm jealous, Mulder. I like Scully. But I'm so jealous of her.
NasteeFoxx: Nailing her doesn't make me wanna nail you any less, Alex.
NasteeFoxx: But I know that's not what you mean, right? Because we settled that already. Right?
toobad2bstr8: Yes. We did. It's the fact that I can't. For however long I'm in this godforsaken, frozen hell. I can't have you. And she can.
NasteeFoxx: Yeah, well the godforsaken frozen hell gets you and I don't.
NasteeFoxx: I'm just a greedy, selfish bastard, I suppose, for wanting you both so goddamned much.
toobad2bstr8: Russia doesn't love me. It doesn't fuck my brains out. It doesn't light up when I laugh. Thank God. ;I But you get what I'm saying? This is not fun for me. Being without me may not be fun for you, but you and Scully have each other.
toobad2bstr8: That's everything.
NasteeFoxx: I know. I hate that you don't have me and I don't have you. I fucking hate it. I fucking *HATE* thinking of you in fucking Russia, Alex. Not exactly pleasant memories. Jesus. Let's change the subject before I lose it.
toobad2bstr8: It's okay. I'm okay. Fox? I'm not reliving it. You are. I'm just getting a job done. I just wish it could be finished sooner. So I could come home to you. And have that cup of coffee you promised.
toobad2bstr8: Fox? Shit. I think I get it. I thought... You weren't reliving *my* pain. You were reliving *yours*. I'm sorry. I didn't think of that. That knowing I was here could bring that back up. Please. Just know...I'm not here to do that again. To anyone. I want to tell you, but I can't right now. Please trust me, Fox.
NasteeFoxx: Alex, someday I'll have to ask you more about the gulag. Someday when you can touch me and hold me and make it all right afterward. But not tonight.
NasteeFoxx: We need to talk about Scully. Let's do that.
NasteeFoxx: She doesn't want to stay on the outside, Alex. That's too painful for her. She can't share me that way. I'm sorry.
toobad2bstr8: What...does that mean? Exactly.
NasteeFoxx: I hate this, because it sounds like we're manipulating you, but she just can't do it any other way. She needs to be a part of this relationship.
toobad2bstr8: Scully wants to be with *me*?
NasteeFoxx: Yeah.
toobad2bstr8: I don't know what to say...
NasteeFoxx: She knows you don't feel the same way about her that you do about me. It's not like that.
toobad2bstr8: Mulder. I'm gay.
NasteeFoxx: Hmmm. This isn't going to be easy.
toobad2bstr8: I'm not even saying it's impossible. I like her. I like her more than any other woman I've... Well, she's different. I just... Give me a minute.
NasteeFoxx: Okay, Alex.
toobad2bstr8: I've been with women. A long time ago it seems now. Physically, it's been...fine. I mean...I got off.
toobad2bstr8: But there are issues I have... With women. And sex. It's not something I expect you to have known about me. Nobody really knows.
toobad2bstr8: I'm telling you because I love you and you're *going* to know. If you want me to be with Scully, you need to know.
NasteeFoxx: There's *so* much I don't know about you, Alex. I want to know.
NasteeFoxx: Alex, she doesn't need all of you. I'll be blunt. She has all of me. She just needs part of you. She can't feel like this is separate from her. She doesn't have to play the same role in this as we do, but she has to play an important one.
NasteeFoxx: God, does that make sense? I feel like such a greedy asshole, because even though I have all of her, I *do*...want all of you. Sorry. But I can't handle less now that...I'm sorry. This isn't fair. But just as she has all of me, Alex, *you* have all of me. Or at least, you can.
toobad2bstr8: I know. Well, I know we'll get the chance to really prove that to each other. You and I. I don't know what I can give Scully yet. But I think it's important that you understand that I want to be able to give something...
toobad2bstr8: And not just because I want to keep you.
toobad2bstr8: Scully...she deserves every happiness.
toobad2bstr8: If I can contribute to that...
toobad2bstr8: instead of just.... I really like the idea of that. Of meaning something good to her.
NasteeFoxx: Well, she wants to get to know you better, of course. But...aside from that, just speaking purely physically, she's always been attracted to you.
toobad2bstr8: Christ. I never knew. Fuck, really?
NasteeFoxx: God, Alex, this is so fucking unfair to you! I just...I can't even offer you an exclusive relationship with me! You deserve more than this. This is...I don't have any claim on you, Alex. This isn't good for you. *I'm* not good for you.
toobad2bstr8: Mulder, don't you dare take yourself away from me! You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, dammit!
NasteeFoxx: But Jesus, did you ever think you'd have to share the person you loved? I mean, people have killed over that!
toobad2bstr8: Well, on some level, I always knew Scully already had you. That you came as a set. I just didn't know how I would fit. What the expectations would be.
toobad2bstr8: You know, Mulder. I wouldn't want you without her. You wouldn't be the you I love so fucking much.
NasteeFoxx: God it feels so wrong, using your love for me to manipulate you into being with Scully.
NasteeFoxx: You're right, Alex.
NasteeFoxx: She saved me. I'd be a fucking dark hole without her.
toobad2bstr8: I like your fucking dark hole, but that's beside the point. ;-)
NasteeFoxx: LOL!! Jesus, Alex. Who knew you had this wicked- ass sense of humor as well as a wicked ass?
toobad2bstr8: I didn't.
toobad2bstr8: Love is an amazing thing, isn't it?
NasteeFoxx: Kiss me. Now.
toobad2bstr8: How??? God, I WANT to! If want could do it, I'd be in your arms right now.
NasteeFoxx: Damned right, because I *WANT*.
NasteeFoxx: Alex, you're evading what I said. Very effectively.
toobad2bstr8: Which part? That little issue of you manipulating me?
NasteeFoxx: That "little" issue, yes.
toobad2bstr8: Life's not fair, Mulder. How far do you think I'd have gotten if I wasn't aware of that and able to deal with it? And who's to say it's not supposed to be exactly this way? That we're, all three of us, together for a reason? It's not easy on any of us. But what if...there's something we can't see that *has* to be...
NasteeFoxx: You know...I've always seen all three of us connected...
NasteeFoxx: Sometimes the bonds were cutting and bloody, but damn...they were always, always there.
toobad2bstr8: I know. I've felt them. And I can't take you from Scully. Even if you wanted to go. It's not...right.
NasteeFoxx: Scully calls the shots, Alex. She has to. I'm sorry, but I can't lose her. No matter what. I can't and I won't.
toobad2bstr8: I know. I understand. And fuck. The more I think about it, the more I think I have to do whatever makes this work. I *want* to do what will make this work.
NasteeFoxx: Besides, you were right, you know, when you said you actually *wouldn't* want me without her. You wouldn't, Alex. I wouldn't be the same person. She keeps me sane and level and keeps my feet on the ground...well, as much as she can.
toobad2bstr8: LOL!
NasteeFoxx: ::g:: She's only one woman. ;-)
toobad2bstr8: Maybe with one woman and one man, the task can be accomplished. ;-)
NasteeFoxx: LOL! Maybe. I'd sure as fuck like to find out.
toobad2bstr8: I would, too.
toobad2bstr8: Mulder...
toobad2bstr8: I know there's some pretty endless discussion we're going to have to go through. And I'm ready. But I have someplace I've gotta be. I'm sorry.
NasteeFoxx: I think our next step is for you and Scully to start getting to know each other, anyway.
NasteeFoxx: When can I expect to talk to you again?
toobad2bstr8: Tomorrow night? Can you?
NasteeFoxx: Yes.
toobad2bstr8: I miss you, Fox.
NasteeFoxx: I miss you, Alex. Please promise me you'll keep that gorgeous body and wicked mind safe for me, okay?
NasteeFoxx: Because you're mine now.
toobad2bstr8: I will. I know. I was yours before you knew it.
NasteeFoxx: Don't make me cry. I'll see you tomorrow night, Alex. I'll leave it on as soon as I get home. Be safe. I love you.
toobad2bstr8: Good night,
lyubimy...
Take me to Part Seven!