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Message 15 - August 10

Subject: Advice and greetings.

What's up, circe -
My theory is, just because it's in your head doesn't mean it's an issue. You come across this a lot with the personal issues you have, where someone doesn't like you, or you feel you have to "cover your ass", or that someone is out to get you. The issue here is, will the experience you had with the Cop in California 9 years ago affect the question of your employment with Hilo High. The answer, in my opinion, is yes, but no more than how it might affect your position with any job in the future, or any alternative job to the current possibilities - which is just about nill. I cannot speak from experience, just from pure rationale thought (I've learned that you do give some credit to my rationale thought once you know it and I'm not around). I cannot reasonably picture someone, especially the principal of a semi-respectable school in Hilo who is responsible for the education and other welfares of nearly 2 thousand teenagers, not having the sense, even if they did find out, to realize what a collosal mistake has been made against you. Of course, my theory does not always hold, as the minority (no less!) dean of UCSD did not think you should receive the benefit of a doubt, hence ending your school career for nearly a decade. However, I do not recall you mentioning having met this dean in advance, and you have met the principal in question. Make a reasonable assumption about the nature of this person. Will they, given the little restrictedly available evidence, combined with their first impressions of you, etc (and the sincere consideration of highering you full time), come to the conclusion that a hideous legal misunderstanding that took place a decade ago insinuates that you are not fit for teaching. Especially given your in-the-meantime accomplishments???

That's just some of the thought swirling through my head. The realest reason that you are concerned comes from the mnemonic created in your own mind, that is, being finger printed. Is this reason enough to really panic? I wouldn't, although there's a chance you could need a backup plan. It just doesn't seem real enough. (Right!, and after you agree that you were just being too female in your thought process, agree with me, and end up without a job or backup plan. Figure that could get tossed in my direction. Hm....)

I think I'm being just a tad selfish. If I seemed distant on the phone, it's because I was (maybe for once, you didn't think so). I felt something tonight I haven't experienced before, even though I have thought of it. Just the sensations of hearing all those voices of people I didnt' know surrounding you and your being at Outback without me again, and then hearing that we're going to be at their friday night church service (dressed up formally) instead of me taking you somewhere fun to cruise to celebrate seeing you again... it just hit me all wrong. I mean, I feel like you're going to be with them a whole lot this coming year. I already feel like you've been pulled very much away from me. You respect them, yet you don't trust them, so I guess I don't feel totally at loss. You're so happy with them. I guess I just feel cheated. How come you couldn't be that happy with me? It's because you didn't understand, isn't it? That's what you're going to tell me. And it's true of course. But it's burning me, just the same. I hate to say it so near your birthday. I resisted saying it on the phone because I didn't want you to have a bad taste in your mouth while hanging out with your new friends, but I am really feeling cheated suddenly. They have the side of you I always wanted. Except trust, like I said. You trust them, sorta, but you couldn't tell them about the arrest because you felt awkward and humiliated. But you COULD tell my friends, who listened very compassionately, and yet somehow you don't like them. I don't understand, Circe. I really don't understand. It just leaves me with a bunch of chemicals in my body that shake up those passionate, painful emotions I really don't know where to put. You know, that dreadful feeling that expands to every corner of your being, physically and mentally, and hurts, and makes the wonderful things not seem wonderful anymore, and even makes you want to be angry and bitter at someone just to have them to blame. I'm feeling that. And that's not a feeling I have the tools to deal with when I'm so desperately alone, like I am here. Then I get to come home, not to see you, but to see your new friends, and you being all happy with them. I wish I understood how to cope with things I feel. I think I used to. That mechanism is gone now, abused and damaged by lack of repair through the decaying effects of time. Okay, enough poetry.

I don't mean to make you feel bad. I really don't intend a guilt trip, even though I'm tempted to realize it will cause one and just erase this whole stupid message because I feel like trash at this very moment and got honest about it because misery loves company. What can I say; I learned that from you. I think I'll reread what I wrote and see what appears conveyed.

It's close. I reread it. I changed a couple of thoughts. This isn't meant to be one of those "you ruined me, it's your fault." I just needed to vent. I feel like you're finally trying harder, but feel like this is the worst time to start. Should've started with me. I deserved it.

Dammit, Chris, Shut up. Quit harrassing her! That's what the little voice is telling me. It's right. You're trying. You know what, I'm kind of depressed tonight. I know you being at outback is why. I need to get over it, play some vice city. I hope my advice helps. I really feel weird about giving you advice sometimes, because I know that you're really nervous about making the wrong choices, and if I lead you to making a wrong one, I'll feel aweful, plus you'll be pissed at me. I really hope whatever you pick works out. I hope you end up close. I want to work out with you, but I at least want to end up buddies, if nothing else. Even though I can hardly picture being able to cope with breathing mere oxygen if I even witness you falling in love with another. That would make my lungs really really heavy, as if I'd been smoking for years. Yuck.

Remember, our phone calls are a priveledge we share because we really enjoy talking. It's not a requirement. As long as that's held close, we'll appreciate it, and not expect. I may try and call you tomorrow night, if only really quick, to establish a "protocal" concerning your camping experience. You know, such as what time to call to make sure you're okay, etc... But I'm sure you'll be fine. Not hitting on gorgeous guys, at least, not while you're nude sun bathing. If you do, dont' tell me. That'll make me jealous (:smile:) - I wanted to see you!!!

Have an Awesome time!

Thinking of you. In love,

Chris'n'Circe Message Center

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