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Message 5 - July 22

Subject: (none)

Hey Circe:
What to say, what to say... I'm starting to really struggle with starting my letters to you. Usually, thoughts come easily, and whatever I'd like to share from some part of me just does it's best forming into words, but it's at least there even if I fail to express it accurately. Right now, it's completely opposite the case.

First off, I would appreciate it if you would you quit riding me about the argument. We had some harsh words for about an hour. We also had good ones for two other hours. So as you discuss optimism, try giving it a shot yourself. I personal enjoyed hearing your voice and talking with you for the two hours. It helps me picture you, which I really love to do. Thanks for doing your little leo growl, by the way. I really miss that. There's a lot about you I miss and can't get my mind off. Your beautiful smile comes to mind.

Second off, you fought, too. In fact, it was things you said that triggered it. You say things that really hurt my feelings or insult what's important to me, and you don't even flinch. You act as if it's not a big deal to say something aweful about me when I really don't deserve it. When I defend myself, you just tell me your not perfect. But do you even care when you hurt me? Most of the time, I don't see evidence of it, otherwise you'd make a caring effort to prevent it, rather than just excusing yourself from it. Does that make sense? I spent over a year trying to determine what hurt your feelings, and then tried to quit doing it because I care about you and want to respect your feelings!

Third off, once again, you're interpretting everying I say in the worst way possible. Let's see if I got this right... I send a message saying that I'll be heading back to Hilo just around your birthday time, maybe a day late, but somewhere near there. Sort of like hinting that I might want to connect with you and celebrate a little since it's an important time in your life. Meanwhile, in my life, I'd like to think we can work out the delimmas that really destroyed us, and your bitter attitude against racism, combined with an undesirable female instinct ("I can feel it", usually not an accurate instinct) is one of those things that knocked us down and ruined us as a couple. I am making an attempt to see where we can fix it, so I mention that God might want you to turn your bitterness against racism into love for people who might not like you back (good ol' christian way). It's just an effort to pave the way to us working again. You know, "practical" ways to repair the damage and prevent more damage instead of just a bunch of religious cliche's. I have no doubt God works, but God himself is very practical most of the time (in fact, annoyingly so, I've learned. I wish he would just come out with it and show himself to all the atheists, but he insists on utilizing "real life", leaving room for "coincidence").

You have somehow turned these thoughts of seeing you and repairing us into the concept that I DON'T want to see you on your birthday and that I wish you'd end up on the mainland. How on earth did you get from the last paragraph to this one? I guess you could use a few of my words and read them wrong, because I didn't spend a lot of time on the wording. But to come out when concepts entirely the opposite of what I was trying to convey...? Sounds like Dr. Judy grading, doesn't it? Remember how you thought about this long and hard and decided that if you had changed one multiple choice from (b) to (a) and reworded two short answer questions, you would've went from a D to a B, two VERY different grades, all with just a few changes. Isn't our situation the same thing? Please try and understand my point before getting upset about this. I'm not good with words, so sometimes it doesn't sound quite what I mean. I'm doing my best though, honest. I'm really trying to communicate thoughts to you, not beat you down. I love you. I don't want you to feel down. I'm just trying to fix stuff that hasn't been working right. You would do the same if your car was broken, or your computer (you HAVE).

So enough negative, right? I do have a strong inner longing for you that won't leave, and I don't really wish it would. I just wish it was easier for us to work out. I wish God would just fix this. I'm not perfect, he knows that, and I sure hope he's not waiting until I get that way before healing this and creating the best for both of us.

I really hope the negative portions of the conversation last night didn't damage your interview. I tried to encourage you into doing well, I really did! I wanted to help, I promise. I really thought about you and prayed that I wouldn't hurt anything. I do want you to end up in Hilo, if you want me to out and just say it. I have to admit, your church girlfriends have me scared that they're going to interfere with us and talk you out of wanting to be with me prematuraly (maybe you eventually won't want me at all, but I don't want them to be the reason!). I feel like they're a wall forming between us, and tearing you away from me. Truth is, ever since you've been talking to them, you've had nicer responses, but much more distant ones. Like you're farther away. It's scary, to say the least. One day, will you chose not to talk to me because you rely on their advice to the point of who to be friends with? I don't know.

I looked at the calendar, and your birthday is a friday (how nice!). I wouldn't mind ditching Mid-South the previous day to head for Hilo if I thought you might be there. Do you think you'd like me to spend the day with you? I don't know if you'd rather be with those girls. Maybe if you end up on Kauai, I could head there first, then get a different flight back to Hilo at the end of the weekend. What do you think? I don't know if you're interested, but I am. Let me know.

Have good thoughts. I don't want to be poison to you. I wish I could hug you, make you feel better. I didn't mean to cause any trouble yesterday. Please be understanding, think things through. Give me the benefit of a doubt when you can't tell the difference. Surely you must think some good thoughts of me.

I have this sick feeling in my heart right now, like you're mad at me. Like you think I'm just aweful. I hope the feeling is wrong. I don't know what else to say to make things better.

Thinking of you. In love,
Beck

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