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Message 4 - July 21

Subject: (none)

Hey Circe:
Fruitcakes indeed! I dunno, circe, remember how we keep talking about God "ruining" someone's plans in order to put a better one in its place? When I think about it, for the last two years (that is, since you put into action the plan of getting a secured teaching job for the Hawaiian DOE) I can't think of a single person who really thought you should go into teaching. I am not saying that you couldn't do it (in fact, I can't think of a single person either who has made clear that they thought you can't), because no one doubts you'd put your all, which despite any personal flaws we've discussed, you'd conquer all and become the best at what you do (especially now that you're a christian). The question is, is teaching what God really has in mind for you??? To be honest, it's looking to me like the answer might be 'no'. In fact, if I were to sit and really look at all you've had to go through to get a teacher's certificate and to get the grades to really place in you the Teacher's ED Program (despite the competition for positions of Math), I'd say that God would clearly allow you to complete this plan, but that he seems to have something else in mind. Otherwise, I bet it would be coming along a lot more swimmingly. Does that make sense? Shoot, look at all the hoops you're jumping through to carry out this dream that you've actually become more hesitant about.

Really, I am starting to think that this goal of teaching (although you do enjoy sharing knowledge) may not be your ideal dream, but instead a means to and ends. What ends? Good question - the ends of staying in Hawaii. We've decided (well, you decided, then convinced me, because I really agree) that teaching is one of the few secure positions of employment in the entire state of minimum racism. Perhaps getting the teaching job is a sub concious escape from the racism you so dread, some invented, but certainly not all. And maybe God doesn't want you to escape it, but learn to face it with love (gosh, I'd be nervous around that!). Just a theory, but hey, can't hurt to think it over, right?

Sunday went SO slow... nothing to do. I was almost glad that I got so sick I passed out easily at 1230am. I slept over 12 hours, so I know I needed it, and didn't have a headache today (First day in 4 that I've been spared that grief). Even now I'm a little under the weather. Not really a flu, just a weird headache that lingers but doesn't totally hurt, but makes it difficult to shift my eye muscles. Going to feel wonderful, absolutely wonderful, the morning I wake up and realize that I'm totally healthy again.

I will discuss this with you in person, but yes I am certainly interested in seeing you sometime very near your birthday. Truth is, I plan to push a lot of stuff to the last minute. Although it would be a much wiser to plan make it to school by the 25th of August, I'd be willing to risk missing that. If I quit work the day of your birthday and fly in that evening or so to san francisco (or oakland, I suppose, although we decided it's yuckier), we could spent 2 or 3 strong days together before I head for school. Hey, I don't need much of a rest between landing and my first class because I won't be renovating anything, or fighting with anyone, or even trying to please anyone's lifestyles. So I can catch up with my rest during therapuetic introduction chapters' studying for each class for a couple weeks. Lots of details, but like I said, we'll talk.

Thinking of you. In love,
Beck

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