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Circe
You're still not using CnC, but I'll direct you here when this is done. I've thought about today a lot, and Josh Endriss sorta helped screw my head back on. I guess I'm just sorry. You did change this last few weeks, and this new person is a person I've been wanting to be with all along, you're fun self. I guess I just freaked out when she disappeared and the jealousy reappeared today. You know I Have issues with Trust, that I really crave it, long for it, and feel extra empty and lonely without it. Please try to understand, I think that's more of a weakness for me than your jealousy is for you. So I really stepped out of line today. I do need to tell you in person, that I want to try harder to show my respect for you, and stuff like that. But I suppose writing it down will help me to think it out better, since I'm aweful with words a lot of the time.
I'm really struggling with self control. It determines my anger, lust, and manipulative stuff that I say. It also trickers my procrastination and keeps me from getting things done. Like today, I really owe you one for putting me on the phone. I was just going to put that call off until tomorrow or wednesday, but than I might've put it off then too, and the deadline is the middle of this month! So I really need to push myself.
Mary Tes is wrong about one thing - I dont' feel like you'll always be here. I do know that in your heart I'm running out of "chances", and that sooner or later, you'll have "had it". I really hope I don't bring us to that. Maybe I already have. You're tone of voice on the phone really said that I'd gone over the line this time. I was really glad when Tes showed up today. I realized that I wanted to suddenly change the way I was talking to you, and that made me start to think "you know, if I talk differently to her just because we have an audience, I really am messed up.". You didn't let me formally apologize once I'd started thinking. So I'm taking time to do some of that now.
I just wanted to let you know in writing, something I struggle with, so maybe we can work that bug out if you still care to. It is the thing that we discussed when Tes got there, how I can't take you aside to speak to you privately when we have a problem because you are not inclined to believe me when you already have formed your opinion on something I've done (or you think I've done, thereof). If you had trust for me, that would make taking you aside to talk with you a first choice in the fact of conflict. Our treatment of each other has ruled that out as an option, because we never really make any progress that way, since you generally don't act like you believe what I say. What do you propose? Want to try the trust thing again?
Either way, I'm really going to be working on the self control. That way, I don't freak out at you again. I really have to think back to the point where I should've just STOPPED and quick acting like a lunatic, and next time, I will think of it and STOP. Maybe you can help. I'll make one of my goals to hear you out when you think I'm going over the edge. It will take a lot of bible time to build that part of my character.
If you need your space at this point, at least to be away from myself for a while, I understand. The way I'm thinking of it, if I made the improvements you have made lately and then got stepped on for one measly mistake, I'd be pretty discouraged. That's the way I think you're feeling. Discouraged. I'm sorry. I hope I get the chance to fix that. You've done really well lately. I think you deserve to feel victorious!
Beck
Chris'n'Circe Message Center
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