Top Ten Lists for Abducted Children

One thing about kidnapped kids. They appear to stop having any problems! This aspect is analyzed elsewhere on this site.

Basically, as the victim parent, I have essentially no evidence that the children received any of my letters since the abduction. I tried about every conceivable approach.

The letters below are Top Ten Lists that every kidnapped child might want to have.

Written over five years after the abduction, I speculated that the children might have experienced enough cognitive development to relate to these letters.

Let's call this the FUN PART.

There's this:
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April 10, 2000

Dear Grace and Jimmy:

David Letterman has a popular TV show on CBS featuring funny and amusing top ten lists. Here's one I wrote just for my beloved children for the laughs!! Get ready. Our panel of experts has researched and come up with –

JIMMY AND GRACE'S TOP TEN BENEFITS OF KIDNAPPING CHILDREN:

No. 10) Orphan Annie got to be in a comic strip, in a movie and go to Europe without parents.
No. 9) Child abuse is not as bad as people say.
No. 8) Their X-mom is more fun since she resigned as mother and became a kidnapper.
No. 7) Stimulates the imagination to know nothing about your own real parent.
No. 6) Get first hand experience on how to kidnap and abuse your own children in the future.
No. 5) Kids learn early that adults can't be trusted.
No. 4) Living in fear beats all that love and family stuff.
No. 3) Shows that parental love for a child is really a genetic defect.
No. 2) Doing wrong is easier than doing right.

AND the Number One Item on
JIMMY AND GRACE'S TOP TEN BENEFITS OF KIDNAPPING CHILDREN:

No. 1) Don't have to look at goofy childhood photos.

Hope you enjoyed it! Cheers! Love, Dad
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And This:
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April 12, 2000

Dear Jimmy and Grace:

Every weekday, David Letterman has a new funny, wacky Top Ten List. Each night, he explains the point of each list, before the laughs begin. Like this....

Jimmy and Grace have been doing research and have come up with some startling results. Sometimes things we have believed for years and even centuries are shown by modern research to be merely superstitions or just plain false. As you will see, we are in for dramatic changes in society as a result of these discoveries, because, put simply, most people have had the wrong idea. Of course, the studies conducted by Jimmy and Grace have many new discoveries, but our panel of judges voted these to be the

TOP TEN AMAZING DISCOVERIES BY JAMES KEENE & GRACE KEENE:

No. 10) Kids who want to be with their parents are just plain stupid.
No. 9) The most dangerous place for a kid is with a parent.
No. 8) Amazing but true, two of the ten commandments in the Bible are wrong
-- namely Thou Shalt Not Steal and Honor Thy Father and Mother.
No. 7) Kids separated from parents never have any problems ever again;
so the parents should get smart and stop worrying.
No. 6) Parents who love their children are a pain in the neck.
No. 5) Being kind and loving is a bunch of bunk.
No. 4) The ability of parents to raise their own children should be outlawed.
No. 3) Orphans are lucky. No parents to bug them. (As we say, these findings are a revelation. People have worried about the plight of orphans all this time; and now we know better -- that orphans are the luckiest kids in the world!)
No. 2) The better the parent; the more the kid should be separated from them.

AND the Number One
AMAZING DISCOVERY BY JAMES KEENE & GRACE KEENE:

No. 1) Hide in the bathroom when your parent speaks to you.

Hope you enjoyed it! Cheers! Love, Dad
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[NOTE: One time I called and lucked off and got Grace on the phone. She said Jimmy went to the bathroom and stayed there while we talked for a few minutes.]

Or How About?
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June 6, 2000

Dear Jimmy and Grace:

The category for today's Top Ten list is "What About Your Father?" Lies. Yes, we all know that for many reasons, abducted children don't tell the truth. When asked about their father, they don't just say, "I was kidnapped by my X-mom." No, they have to be constantly cooking up lies to cover the shame. Well, the fine folks at our home office in Tulsa, Oklahoma, have been doing some cooking, too, to help these lost kids with some lies that will stop any further questions from the curious. So, as a service today, we have the...

TOP TEN "WHAT ABOUT YOUR FATHER" LIES:

No. 10) He volunteered for the journey to the center of the earth.
No. 9) He's running for mayor of New York.
No. 8) What father? I was a virgin birth.
No. 7) He is doing hard time in the slammer for jaywalking.
No. 6) You will read all about it in tomorrow's San Juan Star.
No. 5) He is on tour with a Salsa band in Brazil.
No. 4) He was here just a minute ago. You just missed him ... again.
No. 3) He got lost in the crowd at the mall.
No. 2) I have his ashes right here in this bottle.

AND (drum roll) the Number One "WHAT ABOUT YOUR FATHER" LIE:

No. 1) Scotty beamed him up.

Hope you enjoyed it! Cheers! Love, Dad
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And Then There Is:
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June 7, 2000

Dear Grace and Jimmy:

Time for more fun and laughs and also, a helping hand to all those parents out there. The category for today's Top Ten list is Signs Your Children Have Been Kidnapped. Yes, a parent may not know what has happened to missing kids. To help parents figure things out, our panel of experts has come up with a long list of tell-tail signs that something is wrong, that there has been foul play. From this long list, here are the...

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR CHILDREN HAVE BEEN KIDNAPPED:

No. 10) Cookies last longer.
No. 9) Kids don't come home for days -- then weeks, months and years.
No. 8) Don't need to wash sheets on children's beds so often.
No. 7) No giggling heard after lights out.
No. 6) Kidnappers won't let you speak to the kids on the phone.
No. 5) Kids' clothes don't get muddy.
No. 4) Kidnappers send word that they want money.
No. 3) Watching "Mary Poppins" alone.
No. 2) Birthdays not celebrated since they are grim reminders of the lost kids.

AND the Number One
SIGN YOUR CHILDREN HAVE BEEN KIDNAPPED:

No. 1) Gumby and Panda stop getting older.

Hope you enjoyed it! Cheers! Love, Dad
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[Note: Gumby and Panda are the dolls in the beds of the kids that the kidnappers left behind.]

Copyright © 2002 James J. Keene

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