GOOSE LOVERS BEWARE

Goose Lovers beware. According to rumor, the metropolis of Gosling, Arizona has just passed an ordnance restricting the rights of homesteading geese. Any Goose intending to spend more than three days per year squatting on Gosling's golf courses must have a permit clearly tattooed on its wing.

THE OPPOSITION

Gosling's minority representatives on the Council are avid goose lovers. They are currently threatening to recall unsympathetic Council members, claiming that golfers should put up with a few goose droppings instead of divesting geese of their God-given rights. Morriah Stepinthegoop, head of the pro-goose contingent, says: "Gosling Council members spend too much time playing golf and too little taking care of the honkers and squatters. After all, geese are one of our most valuable assets. They provide free entertainment, organic fertilizer, rat control and morning wakeup calls."

Bird Watchers Ltd. point out that geese provide much healthier entertainment than TV reruns or trips to the bar. This dedicated support group contends that the birds fly wingtip to wingtip in a closer formation than any of the Love AFB air-acrobatic teams. Besides, who's heard of geese bombing civilian targets? They save all their ammunition to fertilize golf courses and parks. To strengthen their point, the recall movement's members have nominated geese to their list of Arizona's natural treasures along with sidewinders, spiders and skunks.

Garry Birdseed of Goose Lovers Inc. points to the excessive price of chemical fertilizer. He asks: "Why spend precious resources on nitrates and phosphates when goose droppings are free? In days of yore, survival depended on getting all the possible good out of the resources Mother Nature provided. Don't goose droppings qualify?"

Joe Trapemright of the rat control movement asks: "How many times have you seen rats on a golf course that was supervised by a squadron of geese? The poor maligned birds clean up the seeds and grain from the ground forcing the rats to leave in fear of starvation. Isn't it better to scrape a few goose droppings off of your golf shoes than have your wife go into hysterics at the sight of a rat?"

Geese make better alarm clocks than roosters. If roosters still knew how to fly, the Council might have excluded them from zoning ordinances that relegated them to farms on the outskirts. Alas, nature has basically grounded these loud crowing foul. In addition, roosters have to be fed and pampered even though they seldom lay eggs. Geese, however, live off the land. Every morning, they circle several square blocks of the township, honking to everyone needing a loud wakeup call. Geese-lovers counter the objections of golfers, by reminding them that geese ensure that they don't sleep through their start times.

COMPROMISE

Those heading the recall movement do not tend to be walkers, golfers, or clean freaks. If they were, they'd find out that geese splatter droppings all over the walkways as well as the fairways.

Gosling's Council, however, didn't have the guts to take on the Zealots. Threatened with possible recall they are evaluating compromise measures like gander training, goose-feeder penalties, and disposable diapers.

The Council has already tried to train geese to act more like ducks and dispose of their droppings in the ponds instead of on the walkways and greens. Geese, however, are either dumber or more stubborn than ducks since they adamantly refuse to use either water hazards or duck ponds for disposal of wastes. Once the Council found out that the geese were more stubborn than the township's best politicians, they abandoned the goose-training project.

As a fallback, the Council funded a low-budget R&D project for developing biodegradable, disposable diapers for geese. The Baby-Blue Diaper Company of Gosling has promised results in time for the next goose migration.

Anticipating problems getting the diapers in place, the Gosling Council has passed a new ordnance making it a crime for township residents to feed geese. Their reasoning is: "What goes into a goose must eventually come out." Culprits caught feeding a goose will be assigned ten geese to mentor. They will then have to keep their charges properly diapered. Since the diapers weren't developed at the time of this article, the effectiveness of this measure hasn't been tested.

During the Dickens era, many turkeys served geese for the main course at Christmas. The Gosling Council hopes to bring back those nostalgic days by declaring open season on geese during the second week of December. To ensure public safety, however, hunters will be limited to snares and traps so that township residents won't have to dodge bullets.

Some business consultants claim that there is a solution to every problem. The people of Gosling hope that one of the solutions listed above will help them solve theirs. If not, they plan to run a contest for the best alternative suggestion.

Got any?

THE END